If you’re in a blended family, you’re all too familiar with the differences between your family and a first family.You’ve likely also experienced the complexity of relationship building, particularly in the early years. Although stepfamilies may be complex, they’re also big and beautiful and worthy of celebrating.

Which is why stepmom Christy Tusing-Borgeld created National Stepfamily Day in 1997, an unofficial holiday to honor stepfamilies and create awareness for them. With seven children in a “his, hers, and ours” family, she and her husband get it—they understand the good and the bad of stepfamily life. Her vision for the holiday was to promote the understanding and celebration of stepfamilies—those who had successfully merged, in addition to those who were fighting to keep their families together.

Why you should celebrate National Stepfamily Day

So why should your family celebrate National Stepfamily Day? Maybe it seems awkward or insignificant to bring attention to your family. Or perhaps you wonder if your still-blending family will even want to recognize the day.

I encourage you to consider a celebration. Here’s why:

1. Celebrating offers new beginnings for struggling relationships.

Celebrating your family gives you a chance to start again after a rough patch. Maybe you’ve walked through a season with a defiant teenager, a heart-breaking custody change, or just the mundane of life that left you discouraged. Celebrations generate energy and hope to start again with renewed efforts to keep trying. 

2. Celebrating gives you an excuse to do something fun together.

Stepfamilies often experience tense relationship-building seasons, particularly in the beginning. Fun isn’t part of the vernacular. But it can be.

Celebrating your family allows for intentional moments to laugh, play, and create belonging with one another. Ask your kids what activity they would enjoy as a family. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or complicated. Just different. Like a picnic on the roof or a water gun fight on a hot day. Put some thought into what would create light-hearted fun as a family. And then make it happen.

3. Celebrating creates an atmosphere for dialogue and growth.

Celebrating National Stepfamily Day fosters dialogue and helps to create lasting bonds with one another. Consider what your family needs to step into stronger relationships. Maybe you spend one-on-one time with your biological kids and ask how they’re doing with their new family and what you can do to help them feel more comfortable. Or you nurture your marriage and spend the evening at your favorite restaurant as you celebrate the strides you’ve made as a family. Perhaps the stepparent in your home needs to be honored for the important role they play that doesn’t always include rewards or appreciation. 

Be intentional. Choose a celebration that fits the current rhythm of what your family needs to create an atmosphere for growth.

Awareness and understanding for stepfamilies

Stepfamilies are found throughout the Bible, although we don’t see the terms of “step” or “half.” Even in the case of our Lord Jesus, His earthly father, Joseph, wasn’t His birth father and could be termed His stepfather. When we read of blended families in the Bible, we don’t find negative stigmas or stereotypes surrounding them. 

Sadly, stepfamilies today can feel judged and disregarded, particularly in Christian circles. Celebrating your stepfamily tells society that nontraditional families matter. Awareness of stepfamilies helps others understand the unique needs and complex variables of blended families.

National Stepfamily Day isn’t for perfect families

Maybe you’ve recently become engaged to someone with kids and wonder if it’s premature to celebrate the holiday. Absolutely not!

Celebrating before marriage garners energy and excitement about merging as a family. It allows everyone to come together for a mutual purpose and can be used to help foster relationship building. And if you can only come together as a couple, consider reading a great resource just released by Ron L Deal, Preparing to Blend: The Couple’s Guide to Becoming a Smart Stepfamily.

National Stepfamily Day wasn’t created to celebrate perfect stepfamilies. It was created to challenge stepfamilies to create relationships that can withstand the complexities blended family life brings and find joy, security, and contentment in their family relationships.

Why not give it a try? There’s no need for an elaborate or complicated celebration. Just a simple gathering that speaks love to your family.

National Stepfamily Day comes around every year on September 16th.  Make this the year you choose to celebrate your family!

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.

For blended family couples, a wedding ceremony culminates the process of falling in love and becoming a couple (what I like to call coupleness) and starts the process of becoming a family (or familyness). That process begins to a small degree before the wedding, but relationally and practically, it really expands and deepens for the entire family unit after the wedding.

Now, here’s the opportunity. The process of planning and preparing for the wedding—and the ceremony itself—can help build family identity and bonding. It can accelerate becoming family to one another even before the wedding.

Have you ever heard about a blended family wedding that ended in disaster because the adult kids didn’t show up, or one of the children cried all the way through the ceremony? The couple is happy and excited about the wedding, but the children are resentful, angry, or hurt by it.

But just as a poorly planned wedding can make things worse for your family, a wisely designed experience can improve it. Research confirms that when children are consulted about the decision to marry and the timing of it, when they are actively included in planning the wedding, and they are able to participate in a wedding that honors the couple’s vows and acknowledges both the children’s family of origin and their role in the new stepfamily, they are much more likely to experience the ceremony itself as important and full of meaning.[i]

A shared family experience that is positive and rich in meaning for both the couple and children contributes to the developing family identity (the ultimate developmental task of blended families).

To be clear, wedding planning and the wedding itself do not finalize the process of bonding (that process goes on for years). Still, they delineate a starting point for the family and can, if managed well, accelerate the process of becoming family.

You really want to get this right.

The backstory matters

How events prior to your decision to marry unfolded, the wedding itself, and the biological parent’s relationship to their children greatly impacts whether they view your wedding—and marriage—as legitimate. For example, a child, who feels estranged from their biological parent or replaced by the stepparent in their parent’s heart will likely struggle to embrace their parent’s new love. In addition, a parent who quickly remarries after being widowed or divorced, or who recouples multiple times (serial dating and cohabitation) proving themselves untrustworthy, sacrifices the confidence of their child in their marital decisions.

And then there’s the complication of grief. A parent’s marriage always reminds children of the original loss. Watching Mom commit to love, honor, and cherish someone, for example, dramatically calls to mind the fact that Mom and Dad stopped loving, honoring, and cherishing each other. In the case of parental death, planning a wedding that will give birth to a new marriage and family resurrects grief over the parent who died and the family unit that perished with them. You can’t have one without the other.

The type of wedding matters

Interestingly, some children (especially teens and adults) think a parental wedding should have some elements of a traditional wedding, while others feel a civil ceremony isn’t traditional enough (it’s too casual). Have conversations with your children about the wedding to see what message the ceremony design sends. In so doing, you affirm their value to you and gain information that will inform your choices.

Involvement and the elements of the ceremony matter

Unless a child is estranged from their parent or too young to have an opinion, most want a fair amount of involvement in both pre-wedding planning and the ceremony itself. They want the messages of the ceremony to honor the past. And they want the wedding to not just be couple-centric, but family-centric. As one young adult indicated in hindsight about her mom’s wedding, “I wish it would have helped create a family, not just a marriage.”

A second or subsequent wedding for a parent brings three potentially competing emotional attachments into collision with one another: the couple’s marriage, the child’s loyalty to their family of origin, and the new blended family.^[ii]

We typically think of weddings as being all about the couple (or for that matter, the bride), but a blended family wedding is also about the children, the family relationships that preexist the stepfamily, and the journey everyone has taken to get there. The trick is to acknowledge each of these relationships and not let one completely drown out the other two.

Consider the contrast. A wedding that ignores children, gives them no place in the ceremony, and focuses only on the couple could inadvertently send a strong message to a child that their family of origin is dead, their connection to their other biological parent is insignificant, and the new marriage is all that counts. Considering the many losses kids have already experienced, a message like this will, for some children, strike a death blow to their hearts regarding the marriage.

However, a wedding that includes children in the decision-making, planning, and fulfillment of the ceremony helps children acknowledge the legitimacy of their parent’s nuptials and receive the reality of their new family. Balance in celebrating the children’s family of origin, inviting them to be part of the newly formed stepfamily, and holding up the new couple’s commitment to each other can be a powerful turning point for your family.

Letting the kids know they matter

Essentially, the three core messages to say to your children in your ceremony are: Our marital “us” matters; your past matters; and your expanding family matters. To overdo any one of those three messages to the neglect of the others could make the ceremony “empty” for a child; but the balance of all three makes it full of meaning and sends the most important message of all to a child: You matter.

The elements of a ceremony help send these balanced messages. Exchanging rings speaks to the importance of the couple’s commitment, till death do them part. And planning a mother’s wedding, for example, around the children’s visitation with their father communicates ongoing respect for their past and extended family relationships. And then, to help each child see how they fit into the family being formed, a modern ritual like the blending of the sands ceremony (or a similar ritual, see another example below) gives them a chance to symbolically pour themselves into what is being created.

This doesn’t, of course, complete that emotional process, but it does help to jump-start it, especially when children have helped plan that element of the wedding service. Planning helps them envision the moment when they will “give themselves” to the new family and logistical preparation helps them prepare their heart to do so. Participating in the ceremony symbolically marks the day and formally starts the bonding process—which is then walked out in real life following the ceremony.

Taken together, when various elements of the ceremony give all these messages (Our “us” matters; your past matters; your expanding family matters; you matter), children are more apt to legitimize the wedding, the marriage, and the new family in their hearts.

One couple, after reading my book Preparing to Blend that expands on these ideas, decided not to elope. Her children would not witness them taking vows and certainly wouldn’t play a part in the ceremony. Instead, Kristin and Jason planned a small but intimate wedding for the family and let her children play the role they wanted to play. Kristin’s two boys walked her down the aisle and gave her away (answering the question of who gives this woman to this man with “My brother and I”), and her daughter carried the wedding rings and held her bouquet.

Jason added to his marital vows a promise to his new stepchildren to “love, support, and protect” them, and “nurture their growth in the Lord.” By the way, in order to not mandate a reciprocal promise, the children were not asked to make any statements back to their new stepfather. They did feel comfortable, however, after the couple’s vows and rings were exchanged, to participate in creating a piece of family art that would later be placed in their home. Each adult and child painted their hand and pressed their handprint onto a blank canvas. The wedding officiant’s comments wrapped meaning to the moment, noting that each of them—in a way they individually decide—can now put their own hand to this family and each of them will stamp their unique fingerprints to the canvass of what this family is becoming.

“And together,” he said, “in your own timing and in your own way, together you can create something beautiful.”

[i] Leslie Baxter et al., “Empty ritual: Young-adult stepchildren’s perceptions of the remarriage ceremony,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 26, no. 4 (2009): 467–487.

[ii] Leslie Baxter, et al., “Empty ritual,” 484.

Adapted from Preparing to Blend: The Couple’s Guide to Becoming a Smart Stepfamily (2021) by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Used with permission. All rights to this material are reserved.

When it comes to blended families, coupleness does not necessarily equal familyness.

Right now, you’re a couple. The focus of your romantic love, and likely most of your dating, has been on falling in love and building a vision for your life together. But becoming a blended family involves so much more than just the two of you. You must learn to be a family. 

Unless you met as strangers on the TV show Married at First Sight, you’ve probably spent hundreds, if not thousands, of hours investing in your coupleness. And if you had a few dating growing pains, keep in mind there was only two of you. You now endeavor to merge the lives of multiple children, sometimes from multiple homes, with perhaps a couple dozen extended family members for the rest of your lives.

Let’s just do the math, shall we?

Biological families are often comprised of two parents and four grandparents. That means there are six primary parent figures directly responsible for childrearing and nurturing children through their lives—all of whom have a direct biological tie to a child who very much wants them in their world. Blended families often have between three and seven parents and stepparents across three or more households, plus eight or more sets of grandparents, totaling nine to 21 parent figures.

Developing trust and affection

Becoming family to one another—which is fundamentally what every blended family is hoping to accomplish—is an emotional process that requires active engagement by all parties. You can’t just wish stepchildren, for example, into accepting, respecting, or loving a stepparent. They must develop mutual trust and affection through actual interaction.

Children who feel included in decisions related to forming a blended family and can speak into the process find embracing the new family easier than children who aren’t, and there’s evidence of that. Researchers examining the importance of involving children in blended family educational courses concluded, “When it comes to strengthening couples in stepfamilies, the involvement of children is clearly implicated and should not be underestimated.”

Here’s why. The loss (actually, the series of losses) that children of every age experience leading up to a parent’s marriage steals a sense of control and influence over their own lives.

Anything you do to give them some voice in what’s about to happen—and how it happens—restores some of that and may shift them from being a victim of their circumstances to a contributor to what is being built. And being a contributor makes it more likely they’ll follow through with their part of the plan because the message they receive from being included is that they are valued and important.

Preparing to Blended offers Growing Activities in each chapter that are designed to move step-relationships forward—allowing coupleness to grow toward familyness. If you have invested hundreds or thousands of hours in building your coupleness, don’t you think you need to be just as intentional with children to co-create your familyness? Get started today.

Adapted from Preparing to Blend: The Couple’s Guide to Becoming a Smart Stepfamily (2021) by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Used with permission. All rights to this material are reserved.

Where do you start? Your wedding is different. You want to include your kids and stepkids and create special memories as you start life as a blended family. Marriage with children is a merging of families. It’s important to create a sense of belonging for the children as part of the wedding ceremony.

You’ve been dreaming of your special day for years. You can hardly believe it’s happening! Finally, the wedding date is set and the venue reserved. Now, it’s time to plan your blended family wedding.

Keep in mind the rituals presented below will begin your journey as a family, but they don’t signify you’ve arrived. Blending a family takes years before relationships come together.

Ideas for a blended family wedding ceremony

Maybe it feels overwhelming to consider how to include kids and have the details fall into place without emotional meltdowns. Here are six drama-free ideas to make your blended family wedding ceremony special and unforgettable.

1. Present a family medallion to each of the children.

The family medallion is a tangible symbol of love and can help children joining a blended family feel secure. The medallion (a pendant, ring, or lapel pin) is usually presented after the bride and groom exchange their rings. The children then join them for a special moment where the couple pledges their commitment to the children and family.

2. Have a blending of the sands ritual.

Similar to the unity candle, where the couple takes two small candles and lights a large candle to signify oneness, this ritual uses different color sand to represent the adults and children the marriage will merge. First, the couple symbolically pours some sand from their vases into a larger “family” vase. Then each child does the same. The beautiful blend makes a mosaic that can be displayed as a lasting visual representation of the coming together of the family.

3. Create a canvas of hands together.

After reading Preparing to Blend* and learning how important it is to include children in planning a blended family wedding, one couple decided not to elope. Instead, Kristin and Jason planned a small, intimate wedding and let her children play the role they wanted to play.

After the couple’s vows and rings were exchanged, Kristin, Jason, and the boys painted their hands and pressed their handprint onto a blank canvas. The officiant’s comments wrapped meaning to the moment, noting that each of them—in a way they individually decide—now had the opportunity to put their own hand to this family and stamp their unique fingerprints to the canvas of what this family is becoming.

“And together,” he said, “in your own timing and in your own way, you can create something beautiful.”

4. Create a unity puzzle board at your blended family wedding.

Each member of a family has their own unique personality, talents, and wishes for the future. Everyone is different but contributes to the whole—a separate but crucial piece of the family puzzle. And when a piece is missing, the whole is not balanced.

This understanding of family dynamics is what makes a family puzzle ritual in a blended family wedding ceremony such a fitting (pardon the pun) inclusion.

Generally, toward the end of the ceremony, each family member brings forward their piece of the puzzle and fits it together. Sometimes puzzle pieces need to be worked a little to fit into place (another wonderful metaphor for the ups and downs of family life). But when the pieces are locked together—side by side—the whole is more beautiful and stronger than any single piece on its own.

(Thanks to Unbridely.com for the idea!)

5. Give children a role in the wedding ceremony.

Include a future stepchild at the altar during the ceremony to give them a sense of belonging as the new family is created. This works well for older children placed next to their biological parent as a groomsman or bridesmaid.

You can also give a younger child a role such as a flower girl or keeper of the rings to help them feel part of the special day.

6. Create a “family” sign.

With this ritual, each family member carries a single letter from the word “Family” into the blended family wedding ceremony. When each person arrives at the end of the aisle, they place their letter in the appropriate spot on a designated table.

This is a simple and moving gesture and only requires a minimal level of creativity and choreography. (Thanks again to Unbridely.com for the idea!)

For stepcouples, planning and preparing for the blended family wedding—and the ceremony itself—can help build family identity and bonding. Pick an idea or create one of your own to accelerate the process of becoming family to one another.

*Adapted from Preparing to Blend: The Couple’s Guide to Becoming a Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.

I couldn’t help but chuckle as I read our son’s description of our family. I’d come upon his elementary assignment while cleaning out closets for our move, and the title “My Family” caught my attention. Nathan wrote,

We are a family of seven. I have no full-blood brothers or sisters. I have a brother named Payton and three sisters named Jamie, Jodi, and Adrianne. Jamie and Jodi have the same mom as me but a different dad. Payton and Adrianne have the same dad as me but a different mom. Jamie and Jodi are stepsisters to Payton and Adrianne. My family is complicated, and few people understand us, but it’s my family.

Now a young adult, Nathan no longer describes our family as complicated. He learned to embrace the differences in his sibling relationships. Love among stepsiblings and half-siblings and stepparents and stepchildren has grown to look and feel similar to what traditional families experience. But we will always carry a unique identity with stepfamily variables. My stepchildren call me by my first name. My daughters have a different last name than others in the family. We’re not a first family.

Learning to embrace our differences as a stepfamily

In a blended family home, we don’t always like to admit we’re a stepfamily. It’s easier to cover up the details than go into an explanation on divorce, stepchildren, loss, and brokenness. But when we try to hide our past, shame creeps in. Secrets set us up to fail.

We might want to act or look like a traditional family, but we’re not—we never will be. We can’t present that pretense to others. When we learn to embrace our differences and keep God at the helm of our family, we walk away from our shame and brokenness. We can hold our head high as a beloved child of God, unique in the beauty of our identity.

Here are three areas we’ve learned to embrace our differences as a stepfamily.

1. We function differently as a married couple.

Our marriage began with four kids from the start. Years of nurturing a couple relationship with extended time alone didn’t happen. As a result, our coupleness suffered at times.

We were pulled between allegiances to our kids and opposing views from life experiences. Tension showed up when relationship-building stalled because of our differences. But as years marched on, we discovered the value of offering compassion and understanding for the path each of us had walked. We opened our hearts to include experiences different than ours. And in time, we found our differences as a married couple didn’t have to spell conflict, but rather a deeper understanding of one another.

2. We parent differently.

Traditional parenting doesn’t happen in our home. Randy and I both brought two kids to our marriage and a former spouse. In the early years, co-parenting relationships carried combative dialogue and less-than-agreeable attitudes. Arguments quickly flared about the back-and-forth routine, communication with our exes, and the details of parenting Randy and I disagreed on. The struggle was real.

Finally, we surrendered to another way: God’s way. His way included a flexible heart toward change, an open mind toward compromise as we sought unity in our parenting, and a resilience for circumstances that weren’t easy. We accepted that disparity would continue to show up at times in our parenting and co-parenting interactions. But we could seek harmony in our relationships and “live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18) as we learned to embrace our differences.

3. Family gatherings and relationship-building look different.

Holiday schedules and vacation trips look different with blended families. Some years, everyone shows up around the table for special meals, and the entire family gets to vacation together. Other times, kids are with their other parent and a smaller crowd gathers. We’ve learned to enjoy our time as a large group or small. We’re thankful for less-than-perfect relationships and love for those who join us.

We also cherish the grace that’s easily extended to one another after years as a blended family. Love wasn’t assumed to happen, and intentional effort was required to smooth out the differences and rough edges from a past with long-lasting consequences. Our scars kept us on our knees as we pursued loving interactions that needed God’s help.

Relationship-building in a blended family looks different, but it’s uniquely beautiful.

It’s okay to be different

In our family, we’ve decided it’s okay to embrace our differences as a stepfamily. We don’t try to hide them.

Scripture teaches us that as believers, we’re called to be different. We strive to talk and act differently than our nonbeliever friends and coworkers. We seek to live a life that reflects holiness and purity. First Peter 1:15 says, “but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct.”

When I accept that it’s okay to be different, I’m more likely to walk in holiness and have compassion for others in my stepfamily. I don’t have to criticize my stepchild because they behave differently than I expect. I’m less likely to condemn my former spouse, who acts in a way I don’t understand. I can more easily view others through a lens of understanding and not one of judgment.

As a blended family, the road we walk is different than the road our neighbor is on. But that differentness doesn’t define us in a negative light. We’re all defined the same as Christians—children of the King who are precious in His sight.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.

I blinked back tears as our daughter’s boyfriend nervously fiddled with a napkin. He then folded his hands and asked, “Will you give your blessing for your daughter and me to marry?”

Jacob looked first at my husband and then at me before he unfolded his hands and waited for an answer. Silence followed. I wondered if you could hear the rapid thumping of my heartbeat. I looked to Randy for his reply. His glassy eyes told me his emotions were about to spill over as he carefully weighed his words.

He breathed deeply before he answered. “Yes,” he said as he locked eyes with Jacob. “We give you our blessing. Take good care of our daughter.”

Randy smiled and looked at me. Jamie was 5 when he became her stepdad. The bumps, curves, and potholes that followed would make any man want to retreat. Jamie will even tell you now, as a 30-year-old adult, she knows she was a difficult child to raise. Yet I’m forever thankful Randy never backed down from the challenge.

He wasn’t a perfect stepdad. But he never quit trying. He got up when he fell down. He asked for help when he needed answers. He prayed. He struggled. He fought. He cried. He apologized. He forgave. He smiled with gritted teeth.

And he impacted Jamie in a way no one else could.

Encouraging your husband in his stepdad role

I wish I’d done more to encourage Randy when our kids were in the nest. I was too quick to criticize when he parented differently than I did … too slow to thank him for the little things he did that spelled love to my girls every day.

The stepdad role is hard. It often comes with heartache, confusion, grief, and loneliness. There are rewards along the way, but they might be years down the road.

If there’s a stepdad in your home parenting alongside you, he likely needs some encouragement. Here are a few ideas from a wife still figuring it out.

1. Tell him he’s loved and appreciated—often.

The early years of stepfathering require large doses of humility, patience, and courage. Although he might do all the right things, love from his stepchildren isn’t likely in the beginning. Love from his partner can help keep him going on days he wants to quit.

Most stepdads enter marriage with a desire to make a difference in their stepkids’ lives. Especially when the biological dad is unreliable or not in the picture, a stepdad discovers a natural tug to invest in their well-being. But a stepchild ultimately decides whether they’ll open their heart to another dad. Variables outside the stepdad’s control—like influence from the biological dad or unresolved grief from loss—can affect that decision.

When we show love and appreciation for their efforts, it goes a long way. They need us to acknowledge their feelings and recognize their heart wounds. In doing so, we help their deflated soul find gas for an empty tank and hope for another day.

2. Pray for him.

I know—we talk about praying a lot, don’t we? And when there’s big stuff going on, we’re more motivated to pray constantly, right (1 Thessalonians 5:17)? But sometimes, the daily grind’s the hardest. The rejection when he’s doing his part to build a bridge, but the teenager just isn’t interested. Or the inadequacy he feels when he can’t provide financially as he’d like to for his large family.

Prayer helps. Prayer for wisdom in his stepdad role and courage to keep trying amidst rejection, lack of respect, or unmet expectations. Prayer for confidence in the workplace when someone else gets the promotion he wanted and deserved. And prayer for strength to lead as the head of his household, always chasing after the Lord with a hunger for God’s Word.

3. Trust his heart toward your children.

Randy and I had a child together six years into our marriage. I easily and naturally trusted his heart for our son, Nathan. Even if I didn’t agree with every parenting decision he made, I knew he loved our son and didn’t question his actions.

I didn’t take the same position with my girls in our early years of marriage. As their stepdad, I looked at Randy with a skeptical eye. If he showed an impatient attitude toward Jamie or Jodi, I questioned his love for them. If his words carried a sarcastic bent or less-than-ideal tone, I saw it as uncaring or indifferent.

One day, I contrasted the differences. After an act of disobedience, Randy disciplined our son. I never questioned his love or commitment toward Nathan because I trusted Randy’s heart. I knew he cared deeply and wanted only what was best for our son. Then I thought about my girls. My behavior was different. Although Randy’s heart was the same, I didn’t let myself trust that he loved them and wanted only what was best for them.

I asked God for the courage to let my guard down. Randy did love my girls, and I could trust his heart toward them. I began to change my behavior and then watched Randy’s confidence as a stepdad flourish. His relationship with his stepdaughters began to thrive. I realized my trust was exactly what he needed.

4. Affirm his strengths.

Opposites attract … and then they clash, right? That can certainly be the case in marriage.

It’s easier to recognize and affirm one another’s strengths when they’re similar to ours. But differences make life interesting! There’s value in understanding and complementing each other’s strengths in marriage, especially as a stepcouple.

The stepdad role naturally comes with insecurity. I’ve heard it compared to the feeling of being on a seesaw—you’re confident one moment, then deflated the next. Affirmations from a spouse can go a long way in combatting those insecurities.

Consider your husband’s strengths—particularly those related to his stepdad role. Perhaps it’s a steadfast spirit, a positive attitude, a peaceful demeanor, a sense of humor during tense moments, a drive toward godliness, patience with your kids, or an unusual zest for life.

Your words are powerful! Encouraging comments help combat the insecurities he carries as a stepdad. And positive affirmations from Scripture remind him of God’s strength. Here are a few to consider:

• The Lord walks with me and hears me when I speak (Matthew 7:7).
• I’m strong and resilient; I can rise above (Philippians 4:13).
• I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be (1 Thessalonians 5:16-19).

5. Offer grace … rinse and repeat.

Throughout God’s Word, we find grace in almost every book of the Bible—an indicator God considers it important. In Scripture, grace is defined as unmerited favor. In other words, it’s undeserved. The greatest example of grace is God’s free gift of salvation through Christ (Ephesians 2:8-9).

God gave me the last name of Grace in my second marriage—perhaps to remind me of its value in my stepfamily. I need grace daily. And so do others around me.

But we don’t walk in grace on our own accord. When the apostle Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove the thorn in his flesh, the Lord said to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Paul needed God’s grace to transform his perspective about the thorn in his flesh. His human weakness was contrasted with God’s strength.

In the same way, our husbands need grace from us to transform their perspectives on hard days. They don’t always get it right. Unkind words are said. Feelings get hurt. And tense moments follow.

When we offer God’s grace, Christ’s power shows up. His sufficiency brings second chances and new tomorrows for relationships.

God’s grace is the light that adds sparkle to your marriage and harmony to your stepfamily.

Stepdads are a gift

Jacob and Jamie’s big day is quickly approaching. The logistics of flower arrangements, venue decisions, and invitation mailings cover the calendar. But one detail stands out from the rest: Will Jamie’s biological dad attend? It’s doubtful.

Thankfully, one detail doesn’t come with a question mark. Jamie’s stepdad will be there—loud and proud. There’ll be no hiding his tears as Randy walks Jamie down the aisle, a stepdad beaming with love, joy, and pride for a job well done as he gives her away in marriage.

Stepdads are a gift to be cherished. They don’t always get the attention and gratitude they deserve. But it’s never too late to show appreciation for all they do.

Encourage the stepdad in your home today!

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.

Steve and Janet were constantly conflicted by their different parenting styles. Janet was often frustrated at how Steve handled discipline with the kids. She felt he was too lenient on his sons, ages 11 and 13, and had unfair rules for her daughter, who was 8. Janet often tried to make up for that perceived gap by stepping in more authoritatively with Steve’s sons.

Steve believed Janet’s daughter should have more regulations and that Janet coddled her. He got angry when Janet scolded his sons, because he felt she was undermining his parenting. Many family evenings were ruined by their arguments over the children’s behavior. Both had dug their heals in and reached a stalemate. The only hope they saw was to get professional advice.

This scenario is common among not only blended families, but nuclear families as well. It is extremely rare for a couple to meet, fall in love, marry, and parent their children the exact same way. It is even more uncommon to have that scenario unfold between two people who each bring their own kids into the relationship. However, it is a belief both blended and nuclear couples hold tightly to: Parents should be a “united front” with their children.

Differing parenting styles

Couples often blend their families with the idealized notion that their parenting styles are similar. When dating, people often present themselves with mirroring views to the partner they want to pursue. This is an innately human, automatic response to avoid rejection and attract the mate they desire. It is rarely a true intention to deceive.

Alternately, some couples realize their parenting philosophies differ but minimize the problems this will present in marriage. Divorced singles seeking a new spouse are often focused on avoiding qualities that culminated into the destruction of their previous marriage. Often, what seem to be minor parenting differences feel like small hurdles to overcome compared to what they’ve experienced in past relationships. Then it often surprises couples when those “minor differences” cause a big rift in their new marriage.

Steve and Janet faced this very problem. They went into marriage thinking their parenting styles were similar, only to find their philosophies conflicted more than expected. They believed in order for their marriage to work they needed to be a united front in their parenting.

But what does a “united front” really mean?

What it means to present a “united front”

Couples frequently believe that to be a united front their parenting ideas have to completely align. They must both respond to each child in the same way, with the same tone, and dole out the same consequences for each level of misbehavior. As previously noted, this is a marriage ideal that will rarely, if ever, be achieved. This notion sets couples up for a marriage filled with disagreement, resentment, turmoil, and overall utter disappointment.

The problem magnifies with blended-family couples. He wants her to parent his kids the same way he always has. She wants him to parent his kids the same way she parents her own. As you can see, this gets quite complicated!

Many couples in my office are in a state of despair and implore me to help them get their spouse to agree with them on how to parent. But this belief requires you to change each other. That never works. In fact, the more you try to change someone, the worse things will get in your relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, a united front does not mean a husband and wife need to seem like one person to their children. Instead, it means they support each other in their differing parenting efforts. They show their children they back each other up, whether they agree with how something was handled or not. If an agreement needs to be reached, they discuss it privately, away from the kids.

Some may be reading this and think, “But we are complete polar opposites in our parenting styles. How can we back each other up when one is totally lenient, and one is too strict?”

It’s true that it would be ideal for each parent to bend a little toward one another. If both are willing to adjust their parenting style to come to more of a middle ground, certainly their family life would be much easier. In this case, it would be beneficial to learn a new parenting philosophy together, where you both can agree on some new tools. Simply compromising on how certain parenting situations will be handled will certainly be a healthy change. In a true compromise, each person will choose to change their own self as a parent.

Very often, however, one or both spouses are unwilling to compromise or change. This threatens blended family marriages. When your spouse will not change, what can be done? Or what if they did change, but it’s still not enough?

Here is the real challenge for blended-family parents: Can you manage your own discomfort when your husband or wife is parenting in a different way than you? Can you trust your children to adapt to two different parenting styles?

Children have an adaptive nature

I don’t know about you, but growing up, I always knew my dad responded to me in different ways than my mom did when I misbehaved. I knew my teacher gave me different consequences and rewards, and the principal would be much more punitive if I were called to his or her office. In my God-given resilience as a child, I learned to adapt and respond to different discipline techniques without being emotionally scarred or feeling confused about the world.

In fact, this strengthened my emotional capacity and helped better prepare me for the real world. I learned not to expect the same treatment from everyone, in every situation. I learned how to deal with different types of people. Even with different discipline methods imposed on me, I still learned the universal truths of right and wrong. This is not because I was an exceptional kid; this is the adaptive nature children are born with in order to one day thrive in their adult lives.

Children can learn to manage differing dynamics with parental figures. If a couple cannot agree on parenting styles, they can agree to allow each to continue to be the parent they want to be. (That is, unless a parent is harming the children, physically, verbally, or emotionally.) They can learn to let each other be responsible for their own relationships with the children and learn to trust their children will be able to navigate those relationships.

In order for a complex blended family to be successful in this process, there may need to be a division of parenting roles, especially in the early years of marriage. For the sake of the growth of stepparent-stepchild relationships, dad and mom might only discipline their own biological children until trust is built and authority can be received by stepchildren. This can take months, and often with older kids, several years. Sometimes, in reality, that threshold is never crossed.

Even so, stepparents have an opportunity here to develop a unique and special bond with their stepchildren. If they focus foremost on doing their part to build a good relationship with their stepkids before moving into an authoritative role, they may be pleasantly surprised the children trust and respect them enough to respond to them more.

Growing to be the parent you want to be

Steve and Janet were able to learn ways to manage their frustrations with each other over different parenting styles. They agreed to step back from parenting each other’s kids and worked to rebuild a foundation of friendship with their stepkids. They intentionally worked to be a united front by supporting each other and backing each other up in their discipline. Steve and Janet felt more peace in their marriage, because they were no longer arguing about parenting. It felt liberating to no longer worry so much about how the other was dealing with their own kids.

Over the weeks, they each noticed their stepkids drawing closer to them. As an added bonus, when they gave each other freedom to parent in their own way, they noticed their spouse working to become a better parent. Without having someone criticizing and fussing over their parenting, they could better hear feedback on how to improve and grow to be the parent they wanted to be. Over time, Steve and Janet were able to gradually earn the love and respect that allowed them to move into more authoritative roles in their stepkids’ lives.

And most importantly, their marriage thrived.

Copyright © 2021 by Jessica Patterson. All rights reserved.

Jessica Patterson is a Licensed Professional Counselor at New Life Counseling Center in Round Rock, TX. With 11 years of experience in private practice, she specializes with marriage and blended families.

Jessica has experienced a divorce and was a single mother to her daughter for 3 years. She remarried in March of 2018 to her husband, Jonathan, and also gained a precious stepdaughter. Their two little girls are now 6 and 7 years old, and they enjoy being stepsisters. Their happily blended family also recently added a new “ours” baby boy in January 2020.

I’ll never forget the phone call that changed our family forever. “She just passed away,” my husband said. “The kids were with her.”

My stepchildren’s mother had been battling cancer for more than a year. Randy and I didn’t know how sick she was until the end. My mind wandered to my 14-year-old stepson and 19-year-old stepdaughter. How unfair for them to now face life without their beloved mom.

Where would the kids reside now? I thought. Would we bring them across state lines to live with us? How would they cope with such a significant loss during their teenage years? Why, God? Why didn’t you answer our prayers and heal her?

After nine years of marriage, our stepfamily relationships were in a better place. We survived the early integration years with five kids in a “his, hers, and ours” family. Relationships were finally coming together, and I was looking forward to the years ahead. What I didn’t know then was the wilderness season our marriage would endure after that devastating loss.

Emotions ran high, and we didn’t easily agree on answers to our struggles. I had just finished an internship in grief counseling and thought I knew best what the kids needed. But Randy was quick to remind me they were his kids.

The needs of our marriage quickly sidelined as we agonized over how to navigate the road ahead. Our focus pivoted to helping the kids cope with their grief, understanding what they really needed, and keeping our family intact against a harsh backdrop. Orchestrating everyday demands of five kids with changing dynamics and a high emotional climate overshadowed the needs of our marriage, creating a wilderness with long stretches of lonely roads for me and Randy.

Your own wilderness season

I wish I could say we easily moved out of that season as the kids got older and dynamics shifted. But the truth is, Randy and I formed patterns that focused more on the kids and less on us.

When we realized our marriage needed attention, it wasn’t a quick fix. Coming out of that wilderness season involved intentional behavior as we asked God for His power and grace to get back on track and resurrect a marriage that would heal lingering wounds.

Your stepfamily wilderness may look different than ours. Maybe it involves a prodigal child, a broken marital vow, a stepchild who doesn’t want to be part of the family, or loneliness as a stepparent. More than one hard season will likely show up as your stepfamily extends into several decades. Regardless of your circumstances, you don’t have to stay stuck wandering in the wilderness. Here are some reminders for finding your way out.

Victim or victorious? The choice is yours

My stepmom friend Alyssa had tears in her eyes as she described feeling unloved, mistreated, and isolated after a decade of trying to engage with her stepchildren. She had little support from her husband and had assumed the role of a victim. Instead of speaking up for her needs, she had given up.

“Who are you outside your home?” I asked her. She easily replied with her work title, secure in her identity as a professional. She also spoke of her identity as a believer, secure in her faith. But those identities didn’t transfer to her home life.

I described the story of the invalid in John 5:1-9 who had lain by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years. Instead of finding help to get into the pool, where it’s believed an angel stirred the water to provide healing, the lame man blamed others for his position. After Jesus asked him, “Do you want to be healed?” we hear the words of a victim. “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.”

Jesus said to the man, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” In other words, take responsibility for your choices. Quit wallowing in self-pity. Be a victor. With Jesus’ words, the man was healed.

When life feels unfair in the wilderness, it’s easy to become a victim—like the invalid at Bethesda and my friend, Alyssa. We blame others and don’t take responsibility for our behavior. We wallow in our circumstances. I’ve been at that place myself.

We can’t get stuck there, though. With God’s help, we can assume the identity of a victor. One who believes: I’m responsible for my happiness. I reap what I sow (Galatians 6:7). I can take the next right step to overcome hard circumstances.

God pursues our sanctification

In marriage, we each play a role contributing to the wilderness season. Identifying that role takes humility and self-awareness. But it’s critical to the sanctification process and a move toward reconciliation.

I’m reminded of Jacob pursuing a wife in Genesis 29. Jacob left Bethel and traveled about 500 miles in faith to find a woman to marry. Jacob stopped at a well, where he met Rachel and immediately fell in love. Her father takes Jacob into his home and offers him work. Laban appears to be a kind, generous man, but we soon see his shrewd, manipulative side.

As Laban begins to sense Jacob’s love for his daughter, he takes advantage. Jacob agrees to work for Laban for seven years without wages in return to marry Rachel. But when the seven years are up, Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his older daughter, Leah. In order to marry Rachel, Jacob has to work another seven years without pay.

The point of this story is God’s sanctification of Jacob. Perhaps you recall Jacob’s deceit in stealing his brother Esau’s birthright. God had big plans for Jacob, but he needed some character development first. Sometimes God allows us to suffer now for our good later.

God has big plans for you, but He wants your heart surrendered to Him first. He’s committed to our spiritual growth and allows hardship at times to move us closer to Him.

What’s at the root of your wilderness struggles? A critical spirit? Lack of self-control? An impatient heart when God seeks long-suffering?

In our wilderness season, my stubborn character and prideful spirit showed up often. I was quick to point out the speck in my husband’s eye but failed to see the log in my own (Matthew 7:3). We couldn’t move out of that wilderness season until I surrendered my pride and asked for God’s help to change my ways.

Most things worth having require risk

Wilderness seasons create fear and uncertainty. There’s risk to keep trying at marriage when you want to quit. There’s no guarantee the relationship you’re pining for with your stepchild will ever come to pass. A previous divorce can allow doubt and discouragement to creep in and question your ability to sustain a long-term relationship.

We can’t stay cocooned in a cozy, safe environment and find fulfillment in life. Most things worth having require risk.

The new job my husband took carries risk. A family member trying to get pregnant carries risk. When Randy and I sought counseling during our wilderness season, there was risk as we exposed messy patterns and sinful behavior. But there are also rewards to risk-taking behavior. That counseling saved our marriage.

We watch Peter take a risk as he steps out of the boat and tries to walk on water (Matthew 14:30-31). He doesn’t get it exactly right. He takes His eyes off Jesus and fear takes over. “Lord, save me!” he yells as he begins to sink. Jesus immediately stretches out His hand to catch him.

Ask God for courage. You’re not alone as you seek to move toward righteousness and improve relationships in your home. God will walk with you and reward your efforts. But you have to make a move.

Your first step out of the wilderness is the most important. Perhaps that step is to:

• ask for forgiveness.
• get help resolving conflict in your marriage.
• engage with your stepchild again.
• take a hard look at your role in an unhealthy cycle.
• tame your tongue and commit to offer grace more freely.

Ask for the Lord’s help to identify what needs to change. “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8).

A resurrected marriage is possible

Wilderness seasons are likely for any marriage, but they’re almost inevitable for stepfamily couples. The dynamics are complicated. Circumstances are unfair. Relationship-building is slow and complex.

Without a firm resolve to conquer your struggles and courage to take that first step, you’ll continue to wander in the wilderness.  If you’re hoping for an easy button, you won’t make it.

A resurrected marriage is possible. Ask for God’s power and grace to move you toward reconciliation.

God resurrected Jesus from the dead. He can resurrect your marriage after a wilderness season.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.

What makes a man marriage material?

The latest rom-com might say, “That’s easy! A man is marriage material if he loves you for who you are and treats you right. He should also be your best friend and the dreamiest guy you’ve ever seen.”

Regardless of your favorite chick flick’s wisdom, this is only partly good advice. Yes, he should love you and be a great friend, but there’s much more to consider.

You might have come to this article because you suspect you’ve been looking for the wrong things. Now you’re curious how you can fine-tune your search. Or maybe you’re entering the dating scene and want to start off right. You’re trying to avoid pitfalls on the front end.

In my own dating life, I’ve had ample time to pray for and dialogue with others about what kind of man is marriage material. I’m thankful for their influence on my idea of what makes a man worth dating and, eventually, marrying.

Marriage Material Qualities

Amidst my iPhone notes you’ll find a list titled, “What I’m looking for in a husband.” Over the years, I’ve crossed off once-significant items—blonde, similarly educated, California-bred—and honed in on nonnegotiables. Some are personality-based, but the core revolves around his Christ-like character.

For those asking “What makes a man marriage material?” I’d like to share my core list with you. If you’re already dating someone, see if this list describes him. And if you’re in a season of singleness, let this list shape your prayers in moments of longing, loneliness, and hope. Don’t be afraid to pray specifically and consistently. God isn’t our genie, but when it’s His will He enjoys answering specific prayers. The beauty in asking specifically is noticing God’s attention to detail when He answers.

I hope these core “marriage material” qualities help guide your search.

1. Marriage material men devote themselves to God.

I’m not talking about someone with “Christian education, never skipped a Sunday, and grew up in a Christian home” written on his resume. I’m here for the heart, not the credentials.

Based on your conversations and observations, does he believe in the supremacy of Scripture and sift everything through its truth? Is attending and serving a local church a priority? How about choosing godly male friends?

Most importantly, look for whether he bears fruit from deep devotion to Christ. Prioritizing this quality will set a strong foundation for your relationship.

2. Marriage material men are quick to laugh.

There’s something to say about personality here, but I’m a firm believer in the health that laughter allots. I’ve found in most of my relationships, we’re happiest when laughing together.

A light heart that isn’t easily offended, who can laugh at the situation without letting it unnerve him—now that’s attractive! Look for a man who’s quick to laugh and laughs much.

It also matters what he laughs at. As Ephesians 5:4 tells us, “foolish talk [and] crude joking” shouldn’t be characteristic of Christ-followers. Sadly, many “Christian” men color their jokes with mockery and sexual innuendo, justifying them when ladies aren’t present, and sometimes when they are. I hope to find a man who has a great sense of humor yet resists the degrading and crude variety.

3. Marriage material men are humble.

On a recent flight, I jotted in my nonnegotiables list: Someone who’s humble—who doesn’t think they’re always right and shows interest in what I think.

Humility looks like interpreting a superior’s criticism as an opportunity to grow. Or it looks like not throwing a hissy fit when someone forgets to give you credit. Humility looks like letting Jesus mercifully put you in your place.

No one receives straight A’s in this, but marriage material men possess teachable spirits and look to put others first.

4. Marriage material men love and respect family.

Even if you’ve never observed him around his family, you can quickly detect his attitude toward them. Anyone stalking my social media photos can quickly pick up on my family’s closeness.

Of course, it isn’t fair to expect his family dynamics to match yours (and maybe that’s not something you want!) It’s actually not the family structure that matters—though it’s undoubtedly part of the package.

Here’s what does: Does he love his own family, despite their faults? Does he respect your family? Does he want a family of his own? Since God takes honoring our “mother and father” seriously, you and I should as well (Exodus 20:12).

5. Marriage material men are secure in their identity.

Identity has two arms: worth and self-esteem.

If I place my worth in being a good writer, for instance, that’s where I’ve placed my identity. Career, good looks, and special talents are effortless snares to our worth.  I want to marry someone who knows and fights to remember his worth is in Christ.

It’s easy to see what we’ve put our worth in when the object of it disappoints us. If his talent or appearance failed him, would he crumple or would his sure footing in the Lord steady him?

Pay attention, also, to his self-esteem. I pray for a man who’s confident in his physical, mental, and emotional giftings. If he’s secure in how God formed him, he’ll be more likely to affirm it in me and our potential children down the line.

But what does “placing your identity in Christ” really mean? Here’s a helpful article with more insight.

6. Marriage material men are capable.

Of course, girls should be raised to be capable, too. I’m thankful I was taught to handle my money, mow my lawn, pay my bills … However, if I’m choosing to knit myself to a man for the rest of my life, he needs to be capable and willing to lend a hand.

Most importantly, I need him to have an unshakable work ethic. I need him to be a wise spender and saver and a generous tither. I need him to be capable of taking care of a home or a car (or at least know where to go for help). I need him to take ownership in protecting me.

What’s on Your List?

While I believe this is a central list for Christian women, why not think through your own nonnegotiables? Jot down a number of qualities you feel your personality and values require. Remember to think character more than appearance.

As your mind starts to fill with expectations, don’t forget to set high standards for yourself, too. It’s equally important to become the “marriage material” woman such a man would marry. Let these qualities shape your prayers for your own refinement, as well as your future husband’s.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Lauren Miller serves on staff with FamilyLife as a writer in Orlando, Florida, though she’ll always be a California girl. She graduated from Biola University and the Torrey Honors College where the Lord first planted in her a love for family and marriage ministry. As a single, she loves serving the youth at her church, taking long walks, and reading a good book in her free time.

Romance is the topic of the month but perhaps not if you’re trudging through stepfamily struggles. I get that. Romance easily gets pushed out when we’re juggling the overwhelming emotions and hard-to-navigate circumstances in a blended family.

I love how God reminds us what’s important to Him, though, just when we need it. My husband and I recently relocated from out of state, and I’ve felt disconnected from him as he transitions to the demands of a new job. While watching a beautiful sunrise from our back deck one morning, God spoke to me about the value of romance in keeping a marriage alive during a distracted season–just as the beauty of a sunrise gives fresh energy to a mundane morning.

The vibrant colors and audacious beauty of the sky transformed the start of my day that cold winter morning. I considered how romance can do the same for a distracted marriage during a hard season.

Sunrises and Romance: 5 Parallels

We easily enjoy the beauty of a sunrise bursting over a snow-covered mountain or peeking above the waves at the beach. But we can also bask in the beauty of a colored sky through our window, giving fresh energy to the day as we prepare breakfast for our blended family or drive to work on a Monday morning.

Romance during a harried or overwhelmed season can have the same effects. We may be more likely to create a romantic evening when we celebrate important days or vacation with our spouse, but we can learn to capture the benefits of romance during the mundane of life.

God must consider it important to marriage, since He dedicated an entire book of scripture to romance in Solomon’s Song of Songs. Romantic moments can bring sparks to a dull day, but as we jaunt through stepfamily days, it’s not always easy to create those sparks.

Here are a few thoughts on how to romance your spouse while blending a family.

1. Make an intentional effort.

When was the last time you savored the beauty of a sunrise? Last week? Last year? Soaking in a sunrise doesn’t happen without effort. We have to get up early, find a good location to actually see it, and carve out a few extra minutes to gaze and consider the beauty of God’s creation.

Romance requires intentional effort too. If your stepfamily routine includes kids moving back and forth between two homes, there’s little time for more than a kiss in passing with your spouse. Romance won’t happen without some planning, like the stepcouple I learned about who actually schedules sex—now that’s planning!

Intentional effort for you might include early Saturday morning fun while the bedroom door is locked. Or a night away while the kids stay with grandma. But it doesn’t have to be elaborate. Get creative. Be intentional. Make romance a priority.

2. Look past the drama on cloudy days.

A sunrise on a cloudy day can offer surprising details of color. But the colors might be visible one moment and gone the next. Yet even when the clouds overshadow it, we know the sun is still there.

The messiness of stepfamily life creates clouds that obscure our vision—like a wilderness season that stretches longer than we want. Perhaps you’re grappling with expectations that haven’t come to pass, parenting a defiant child who hasn’t adjusted to the stepfamily, or managing feelings as an outsider in your stepparent role.

When the clouds overshadow your joy, go back to where you started. Love and romance can be resurrected when we remember what attracted us to our spouse in the beginning. Ask for God’s help to look past the drama, find the good in your spouse, and start again. Don’t let cloudy days obscure the beauty of your relationship.

3. Feast on the benefits of yesterday’s romance.

Have you captured a snapshot in your mind of a beautiful sunrise and thought about it throughout the day, or even the next day? A beautiful sunrise doesn’t happen every day, but the vivid colors can remain vibrant in our mind long after.

Romance is similar. It’s not likely you’ll experience a romantic moment during blended-family life every day. Or even every other day. But you can feast on the benefits of yesterday’s romance in your mind. And a focus on gratitude for the blended family life you’re creating, even if it’s not perfect, can carry you through long days.

Take time to compliment your spouse for a job well done in parenting your child. Or managing a stressful situation with their former spouse. A grateful heart breeds contentment (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

4. Start your day the right way.

Sunrises only last a few minutes, but they’re a beautiful way to start your day. If you miss the moment, you won’t get another chance until tomorrow.

Romantic moments in blended families are no different. Before the hustle of the day starts, envelop your spouse in your arms, give them a quick kiss and let them know how much they mean to you. Start the day by saying, “I love you.” If you miss the fleeting moment first thing in the morning, there might not be another chance until the next day.

5. Celebrate God’s gift.

With the start of each day, God’s grace displays a sunrise bringing a new beginning, hope for another day, and beauty amidst the clouds. Some days offer more color, more drama, and more emotion, but His grace and mercy are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23-24).

Romantic love is a gift from God too—one that should be celebrated and enjoyed. Some days with our spouse include more color, more drama, more emotion. But romance offers beauty to a relationship in a way nothing else can. During a distracted stepfamily season, the beauty can be missed if we don’t look for it, anticipate it, and consider what it offers us.

How will you romance your spouse today? Maybe it’s reaching for his hand as you walk into a restaurant. Or a wink across the room while she helps your child with homework. Out of town trips and anniversary dates are great, but romance doesn’t have to be reserved for grandiose moments.

Offer a simple gesture of love every day. And watch the benefits of your efforts carry you through as you stay connected with your spouse and find renewed hope for the days ahead.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended® and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master’s degree in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.