“So when do you plan on starting a family?” a distant family member said after my husband and I had been married three months. Perry and I looked at each other and laughed. How could we think about being ready for kids when we hardly know each other as husband and wife?

Has this happened to you? You’re at a holiday gathering or birthday party and there’s that one family member who loves to repeatedly bring this up.

This can be challenging to hear for those who don’t desire to have children right away (or ever) or for those walking through infertility. The topic of children can be a painful reminder of something you’ve been praying for, whether it’s a biological child or an adopted one. 

Are you ready for kids? Before you answer that…

If you’re wondering if you and your spouse are ready for kids, you’re in good company. And you might need to have several conversations to determine where you both stand. (Depending on your background and experiences, this can lead to deeper fears and insecurities about yourself resurfacing, so make sure you find the right time and place for it.)

As you engage in those conversations, here are five helpful questions to talk through together.

1. “Have we prayed about when we should have kids?”

This should be the first question you talk and pray through together. Why? Because God is the Creator of all things—including family. And praying for a future family involves surrendering your hopes and dreams to Him. And when you do decide to start a family, you may find yourself continually resurrendering to God over a timeline that’s out of your control.

If you haven’t prayed about it because you’re scared God might not give you the desire of your heart, be vulnerable with your spouse about it. Then approach God with your fears together.

2. “How many kids do we want?”

You may have discussed this prior to getting married, but thoughts, feelings, and circumstances can change once you’re actually married and walking day-by-day with your spouse. Talking through this question can serve as a great starting point for being connected in this conversation. Perry and I have always said a range of kids we hope to have someday, but we’re both open to a conversation if circumstances change. 

3. “Should we stay in our current jobs when we have kids?”

This is a conversation Perry and I have had a lot recently, as we think about the next few years. As everything is the Lord’s, including our current jobs, we’ve wrestled with God about what we want to be doing when we are ready for kids. 

Have you and your spouse had a conversation similar to this? There are many factors that can lead to job change. Sometimes a job may require time away from home often, whether traveling for work or working overtime. Another factor that could merit a job change is one spouse desiring to be a stay-at-home parent. Process these factors as you’re discussing this question together.   

4. “How are we doing financially as we plan for a future family?”

Perry and I have been praying for financial stability and peace amidst planning for a future family. There has been a line we walk between surrendering everything to God as a step of faith and making wise financial decisions. Toeing this line looks like being in prayer about our finances and surrendering them to God, and then making a financial decision that makes sense for the situation and reflects how we feel He is guiding us.

Being able to “afford” kids isn’t the goal. But being on the same page about finances will help when we have kids and our expenses increase.

5. “Where do we want to be living when we have kids?”’

We have had many conversations where we’ve dreamed about where we’d like to live when we’re ready for kids. We don’t live very close to family, and we want to live in a safer neighborhood with better schools. While Perry is from the Midwest and I’m from the Northeast, we currently live in Florida. But we both believe proximity to family is a priority when we think about starting a family.

When the “Are we ready for kids?” question arises, my hope is these questions can help give clarity to what you both think on the topic. And remember: You are not alone in the process, God is with you and your spouse. He cares for you.

None of us are fully ready for kids. There’s so much unknown on the other side of pregnancy, adoption, or even infertility and deciding where to go from there. Remember, God often doesn’t provide exactly what we need until that very moment we need it.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Brooke Wilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife at Cru’s World Headquarters in Orlando. She is newly married to her husband, Perry, and they have a Chocolate Labrador named Willow. Originally from Syracuse, New York, Brooke moved to Florida to pursue writing & editing content full-time. A few of her favorite things are photography, running, and sipping a warm chai latte across from a friend.

The past 20 years in college campus ministry have given me much opportunity to observe the choices made by recently graduated newlywed couples. Most of these couples live in that interesting stage of life commonly called “Married-With-No-Kids.”

Sure, some couples make the choice to immediately start having kids after they get married. And some start the adoption process early into their marriage. But from what I’ve seen, a lot of married Christian couples wait anywhere between one to six years before pressing questions about children enter the picture. My wife and I waited around five years before we had our first daughter. Most of the couple friends around our age waited about the same time.

Putting it off longer

What I’ve noticed more recently, however, are the increasing number of couples who wait longer before having kids. And many decide against having children altogether. These decisions are considered for various reasons as couples ask these kinds of questions:

• Kids will ruin our social life. Why would we want that?
• Should I have to quit my job or significantly cut back on my time at work just to take care of a screaming baby all day?
• Why should we sacrifice our freedom and income for children?
• Isn’t it better to save more money and give more money away with all that we’ll earn and keep by not having kids?
• When I see parents out in public with their kids, it stresses me out. Who needs that kind of pressure in their lives?

And on and on it can go. I know I’ve asked these kinds of questions in the past. There are tons of Christians with strong opinions on both sides of this conversation/argument who enjoy chiming in with their two cents. So I wanted to contribute to that in a healthy way that is biblical and hopefully God-honoring.

Here are a few things to consider as you and your spouse begin to ask the question, “Should we have kids … and when?”

1. God gave people a command to be fruitful and multiply.

Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.’” Now, this doesn’t mean absolutely everyone should marry or everyone should have kids. But God did plan from the beginning that this should be the norm.

The Lord is wise and good. So if we are going to opt out of the norm of filling the earth by having children, we should be really sure that in the end we can give a good account to God. It’s not enough to just say, “It wasn’t my preference,” or something like that. God’s plan is to fill the earth with image-bearers of His glory, and it is a glorious thing to participate in that.

2. The most joyful experiences of your life will come as a parent.

I have two daughters. I like to say that being the dad of two girls is kind of like when you were a kid jumping with a group of other children on a trampoline. Eventually you’re going to fall down and the other kids are going to keep jumping, knocking you around, stepping on your hands, and causing you all sorts of confusion. It’s chaotic and painful and crazy… but hey, you’re on a trampoline with other people, so it’s also fantastic.

I have never laughed more in my life than when I’m with my kids. The most powerful memories of my life are from beautiful moments with my children. When they do something, understand something, say something, or act out something in a way that surprises and delights me. And right now, they’re only in elementary school! I still have many years of surprises ahead of me with them. What a God-given joy it is to be a parent.

3. God uses children to grow our character.

Psalm 127:3 promises us, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Despite the fact that your future kids might break your heart in many ways, this Scripture is still true.

God doesn’t promise us lives of parental ease and comfort. He promises good reward. And sometimes rewards come only through the medium of sorrow and suffering. To be a parent is to sacrificially suffer, because to authentically love is to sacrificially suffer. When you love someone, you give of yourself so that they might benefit. That, by definition, is sacrificial.

Many of us look at parents with screaming kids in the cereal aisle and think, I’m glad I’m not that parent. In reality though, when God ushers parental self-sacrifice into our lives so that we might be part of shepherding the soul of a child, He is ushering in His grace. It’s tough to see selfish, whiney children as grace, but they are.

There are no shortcuts on the road to character. God uses parenthood to graciously grow our character. To say “no” to God’s instruments of sanctification just because it looks scary—or publicly humiliating when you’d rather just pick out your Cheerios—is to reject one of God’s greatest potential methods of molding you into the image of Christ.

The gospel is about sacrifice (Christ’s sacrifice and suffering for our benefit). The gospel’s message is the greatest message of love ever communicated. To parent is to understand sacrifice and suffering in a way that identifies with Christ on a whole new level—one that rewards us both now and on into eternity.

4. You have no idea how having children will increase your intimacy in marriage.

Matthew 19:19 says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And Ephesians 5: 28-30 doubles down on this principle by saying, “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”

In other words, husbands, when you are loving your wife, you are loving yourself. You two are one flesh. She is you. John Piper once said, “When she becomes joyful in motherhood, this joy will be your joy, because she is you. Her joy is your joy. What a fatherly pleasure it is to see a woman become a mother. If you want overflowing joy, then make your body, that is your wife, a joyful mother of children.”

I have seen joy in the life of my wife unlike any other time than in the joy of raising our kids. Sure, the lows are low, but man, the highs are unlike any other high I’ve ever seen in the lives of both my wife and myself. What a gift it is to me to see the gift my children are to my wife. She is a mother because of what God did through her and me together. It has been such a delight to love her as myself by giving her the gift of motherhood.

The list goes on

There are many more thoughts I could share that could add to this list. But for now, I think we’ll stop here. And again, not everyone is called to marriage or having kids. So don’t think this is blanketed exhortation to absolutely everyone.

However, what I’ve both personally experienced and witnessed in others is that having children by birth, adoption, fostering, or marrying someone with kids is welcoming the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ into our lives in a way that nothing else can compare.

The calling of having kids is to enter into the joy of your Master, and not only refine your soul, but sanctify your life, grow in depth of character, and identify with Christ unlike ever before.

Copyright © 2019 Shelby Abbott. All rights reserved.

Shelby Abbott is an author, campus minister, and conference speaker on staff with the ministry of Cru. His passion for university students has led him to speak at college campuses all over the United States and author the books Jacked, I Am A Tool (To Help With Your Dating Life), and Pressure Points: A Guide to Navigating Student Stress (New Growth Press). He and his wife Rachael have two daughters and reside in Downingtown, Pennsylvania. Instagram/Twitter: @shelbyabbott, Web: shelbyabbott.com

“And then I remembered that … there is one divorce every 13 seconds, or over 46,000 divorces a week in this country. And then I remembered that … there are half as many divorces as there are marriages in a single year. … And then I remembered how many Christian churches gave up on marriage long ago, allowing their flock to divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry …”

As Walsh discovered, the most important question is not, “What are we going to do about same-sex marriage?” It’s, “What are we going to do about marriage?”

Christians, if we are aware, will find redemptive opportunities all around us. We can propose the good gifts of marriage and sexual wholeness to a culture whose sexual ethic is bringing slavery instead of freedom. As we do so, we can point people to Jesus Christ, the ultimate source of all freedom.

Christians, have hope. We still have much to offer the world.

1. We can teach and model what marriage is and how it fits in God’s plan.  A recent Pew Research study found that an increasing number of Americans considers marriage to be obsolete.  It’s one thing to think marriage is good or bad, but it’s quite another to think it just doesn’t matter. Beyond getting marriage wrong, the evidence shows that as a culture we just don’t get marriage.

For all the seminars and sermons offered by churches across America teaching how to have a “happy” marriage, a “fulfilled” marriage, or a “meaningful” marriage, there are precious few that disciple believers about God’s intent and design for marriage.  Those who do not understand and cannot articulate the meaning of marriage will either be unwilling or unable to stand against that which compromises it. The deafening silence from so many Christians about same-sex marriage indicates they don’t understand what is at stake.

But arguments only go so far. Seeing marriage modeled is every bit as important as hearing it explained. Good marriages breed good marriages. The church should be a place where those that want marriage mentors can find them, and where those that don’t want them will get them anyway.

2. We can take a strong stand against divorce, as God does. Because divorce is so common, condemning it risks sounding incredibly harsh to those who have personally experienced it. We do not intend to single out those who have been divorced, or pretend marriage is easy, or imply divorce is never justified. But we cannot ignore the clear teaching of Scripture. According to Malachi 2:13-16, divorce caused God to reject the offerings of the Israelites. It is, God says, an act of violence (verse 16). According to some translations of this verse, God also says definitively, “I hate divorce.” Of course He does. He hates anything that so damages children, adults, communities, or a nation.

The church used to be the “go-to” place for relationships and marriage, but when a marriage is in jeopardy today, where do couples turn? Do they look to the church for help or to professional counselors and divorce attorneys? If churches owned a proven track record for helping distressed marriages, the answer would be clear. The number of intact families in a community should become a factor by which churches measure ministry success.

On a personal level, we must have the courage to say “no” to divorce, both to ourselves and, when appropriate, to others. Of course, there are situations when divorce is the only option, but it’s always a tragedy. And with so many in our communities impacted by divorce, we must honor our responsibility to care for its victims.

3. We can honor the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation. Somewhere in the middle of the last century, procreation was disconnected from marriage, in principle and practice. Many Christian couples today see no problem in marrying while planning to never have children, either by procreation or via adoption.

While health, family, or financial considerations may justify the choice to limit the number of children, the most common reason is the culturally sacred idol of personal choice. Severing the tie between marriage and children compromises the role marriage plays in securing the future of a culture and furthers the destructive notion that marriage is just about furthering personal happiness. Plus, it obscures that one function of marriage that clearly demonstrates why marriage requires a man and a woman.

Do we teach the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation to our congregations, especially to those young couples headed for marriage? Do we help them think through the ethical implications of various methods of birth control? Do we undermine the connection between marriage and babies in some way?

When we promote chastity to teenagers, for example, by promising that “the best sex happens in marriage,” while never teaching the inherent relationship sex has to marriage and children, we risk reinforcing bad thinking about the purpose of sex, and therefore marriage. This amounts to Christianizing the notion that sex is only for pleasure, and marriage only for happiness. We must teach the full picture of what sex is for.

4. We can flee sexual immorality and seek healing for our own sexual brokenness. Sin disfigures our hearts and minds. It twists us away from the people we are supposed to be. Disordered sex is particularly insidious in this way. It takes over our affections and destroys both others and us.

At the same time, we ought never imply that sexual sin is, in any form, unforgiveable. In an age of such widespread sexual sin and brokenness, we must proclaim the full hope of the gospel. Neither heterosexual nor homosexual sin places us outside the redemptive reach of Christ.

Unfortunately, in some Christian communities, confession of sexual struggle brings shame and shunning. We’ve both seen close friends treated as unclean, even after sincere repentance. More horrific is when victims of sexual abuse or assault are treated this way! What does this communicate to them and to non-believers about the grace of God? We must tell the truth about sexuality, but we are called to be healers and reconcilers (2 Corinthians 5:17-21), as much as we are called to be truth-tellers.

5. We can recognize our own responsibility to the institution of marriage. Parents, are we modeling a biblical marriage to our children, and to their friends who may not have that model in their life? Are we actively seeking to strengthen our marriages? Have we taught our kids what marriage is and why it is so important to God, as well as to a flourishing culture?

Pastor, does your congregation know that you love and cherish your wife and kids, even more than you seek the success of the next program? Have you taught the biblical view of marriage from the pulpit? Do you equip your congregation to defend natural marriage through classes, books, or other resources?  Is your church active in the lives of married couples, offering mentoring classes as well as divorce intervention and recovery help? Is your church a safe place where people can confess sexual sin, and find healing and restoration? Are you and your congregation anticipating and planning for the legal and moral challenges that are created because of same-sex marriage?

Youth workers, do you teach your students a biblical worldview of marriage? Do you model sexual purity and a healthy marriage to your students? Do you bring older couples into your youth ministry for mentoring and modeling? Are you actively helping your students handle sexual temptation, especially pornography?

Students and singles, is there someone in your life that you look to as a model of a healthy marriage? Have you taken time to build up your understanding of marriage so that you can articulate it to others? Are you staying accountable to parents and peers about what you are looking at on the internet?

We all have a role to play, and there’s plenty we can do. If we feel defeated or demoralized by the speed and breadth in which same-sex marriage has been embraced in our society, we must start now to rebuild a culture in which the differences between it and marriage as it was created to be is obvious.

The Art of Marriage®

Couples devotionals

FamilyLife eMentoring

Global Outreach

HomeBuilders Couples Series®

Military 

Preparing for Marriage

Resurrection Eggs®

Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway

What God Wants for Christmas®

At FamilyLife, we love to tell how God works through ordinary people to changes lives for eternity. And we’re so encouraged by the men and women who link arms with us to strengthen families in their sphere of influence. We call them HomeBuilders.

We hope that you will be inspired as you read the following stories about HomeBuilders who are making a difference. These men and women are changing the world, one home at a time, as they use the following FamilyLife resources:

The Art of Marriage®

‘As Long as You’re Breathing, There’s Hope’
If we don’t tell couples that no marriage is too broken, how will they know?

Can God Use Us?
Jeff and Sheila Brawley wondered if god could work through them to help others

The Impact of the Art of Marriage 
Three stories of couples who wanted to help marriages.

Passionate About Helping Marriages in Our Church
I believe that the more churches do to strengthen marriages, the more we will bring glory to God.

Strengthening Marriages in Our Church
I’m sad to say that it’s uncommon to find a couple who’s been married for 30 years.

Couples Devotionals

The Difference a Stranger Made
My life and marriage turned around after someone gave me a book and a brochure.

FamilyLife eMentoring

Helping Those Who Hurt Through FamilyLife eMentoring, God is using me to connect with  people who need hope, encouragement, and a biblically-based perspective.

Global Outreach 

We Started by Checking a Box
We never realized what God had in store for us when we volunteered to help reach families.

HomeBuilders Couples Series®

A Legacy of Spiritual Multiplication
We were determined to save others from the devastation we had experienced.

Building Strong, Loving Relationships
The HomeBuilders Couples Series has done a lot for our church.

Finally Doing Marriage God’s Way
We now have the tools to make our marriage work, and we’re sharing them with others.

No Borders for HomeBuilders
Protecting our marriages as we protect our country.

No More Marriage Casualties
How HomeBuilders is revolutionizing our church.

On the Brink of Failure
Divorce wasn’t an option for either of us, but we didn’t want to spend the rest of our married lives just tolerating each other.

We Started by Checking a Box
We never realized what God had in store for us when we volunteered to help reach families.

“You Can’t Help But Be Changed”
The threat of separation had finally caught his attention.

Military

Helping Couples Thrive During Deployment
Through a new HomeBuilders study, we want to help military couples who are facing deployment learn to rely on God’s power through their separation.

Helping Military Marriages
A partnership between FamilyLife and Campus Crusade’s Military Ministry is affecting families around the world

No Borders for HomeBuilders
Protecting our marriages as we protect our country

Preparing for Marriage

The 87-year-old Missionary
“When I lost my husband I just went on with my life [in Christ].”

Equipping Couples for Lifelong Love
Bill and Geri Masuzzo are committed to helping engaged couples learn how to be married.

Preparing Couples for Marriage and for Life
Using Preparing for Marriage allows me to connect with couples at a key time in their lives.

Resurrrection Eggs®

Explaining the Story of Easter Through Resurrection Eggs®
An interactive way to plant the seeds of the gospel.

Reaching Out Through a Dozen Plastic Eggs
Resurrection Eggs® helped families in our inner-city ministry really understand what Jesus had done.

Weekend to Remember®

The 87-year-old Missionary
“When I lost my husband I just went on with my life [in Christ].”

Adrift in Marriage
Jerry and Olivia Dugan wanted to stay married but didn’t know how.

He Led a Double Life
Scott Jennings lived in a world of lies, affairs, and deceit—until it fell apart.

Keeping the Peace Almost Destroyed Our Relationship
We needed a biblical foundation for our marriage.

A Mighty Legacy
Rather than giving in to the cultural pressures and divorcing his wife, Skip Leffler left a very different heritage.

Finally Doing Marriage God’s Way
We now have the tools to make our marriage work, and we’re sharing them with others.

Our Marriage Was a Mess
A Weekend to Remember conference was the turning point for us.

What God Wants for Christmas® 

Read Stories of Changed Lives and Transformed Legacies.

Soon after my wedding day, I began to wonder if my husband and I should be married. Our relationship just didn’t seem right. We were always arguing over something, and I thought that we weren’t meant for each other.

We had both come from families who are committed to marriage. Our parents had never divorced.  But it didn’t take long before I started to wonder if we had both made a terrible mistake. Then I began to tell myself over and over, We will probably get a divorce some day.

The first months of our marriage we just hung on by a thread. Then things got worse when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. When she died before our second anniversary, I became very depressed. It was a dark time. My husband and I couldn’t stand one another.

By God’s grace and mercy, we somehow got through the first years of marriage, and our relationship even got to be harmonious and respectful. As time went on, we talked about the beginning of our marriage, and we healed past wounds.

But when we had disagreements, I was still taunted with the thought, We will probably get divorced some day. This just isn’t right.

Then one day I actually brought up the “D-word”: divorce.  As soon as I said it, I realized that the old thoughts still had a foothold on me.

A change in attitude

About the same time God began to teach me that I hadn’t married the wrong person. I realized that I needed to become the wife God wanted me to be. For as long as I believed I was married to the wrong person, things just weren’t quite right with me.

By the time we went to I Still Do, a one-day marriage event sponsored by FamilyLife, our relationship was better than ever. We didn’t attend the event because we had problems; we went because we wanted to do something meaningful together.  

But what I Still Do did for me was bring home the idea of covenant … that my marriage is for life. During the event God pointed out to me that I had never repented of the thought in my head that we might get divorced some day. I confessed my sin and made a conscious choice: My husband is my husband for life. I am committed to him as long as I live.

I now realize that God has a special purpose for our marriage that is in His design and not just second-best, regardless of how it may seem. My husband is God’s perfect gift for me. What a release into freedom!

Marriages and families were dishonored on Presidents’ Day when AshleyMadison.com, the online dating site that promotes adultery and extramarital affairs, launched its latest national campaign for infidelity.

One of the billboards landed in my community, only miles from FamilyLife headquarters … and my home.

The billboard boasts, “Who said cheaters never prosper? Happy Presidents Day!” and features images of Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton—presidents who were widely alleged to have cheated on their wives.

This is exactly the kind of attack on families plaguing our society today.  As a husband, father, and grandfather, I was horrified by this ad and ashamed it was in my community. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all weekend. I knew we had to do something—we had to respond.  Doing nothing is not an option.

Friends, family, and community leaders reacted as well. One friend of FamilyLife offered to pay for creating a sign in response. Local leaders of a national advertising company were outraged and offered us free use of billboard space in Little Rock. Our sign should go up in the next week.

With this in mind, I want to challenge you to help us stand strong for families by recommitting yourself to your spouse and to faithfulness in your marriage. 

Thank you for partnering with us in rebuilding the family and standing with us to encourage faithfulness in marriage.

A drunken driver cut short his life as he pulled a late-night shift for a fellow police officer in Hawaii. Jay took every opportunity he could to earn enough money to move his wife and two young children from their apartment into a real home. He died as he lived, serving and sacrificing for others.

God had prepared Jay and his family for his departure in a way that, to this day, defies explanation. Months before his death, Jay met with a life insurance agent and with his pastor (who was also the department chaplain) to plan for his funeral. There was no reason for him to suspect that his life might be in danger. In fact, he and I used to joke on the phone about some of the “hazardous” assignments he had as a policeman on Maui, like when he answered the call about a bowl of soup that was allegedly stolen off a kitchen table. 

For whatever reason, Jay felt impressed to increase his insurance to an amount probably several times higher than any honest insurance agent would recommend. And the solidly evangelistic funeral service that he planned would end up ministering powerfully to his fellow officers, who knew him to be a man of integrity who lived out his faith and loved his family more than anything else.

A final gift 

But probably the most amazing story of my brother’s death was a sympathy card he had penned years earlier. Jay shared a birthday with our aunt Harriet, who had lost her own beloved husband, Phil, to a massive heart attack. 

Jay wasn’t able to attend Phil’s funeral, but his sensitive thoughts and words of hope ministered to Harriet in a deep way.  Jay spoke to the heart of this grieving wife by describing how her husband lived his life in the grace and love of Christ and how he reflected that godly care to everyone he came in contact with. His words reminded her that her husband was spending eternity with the Savior, free of the pain that is so much a part of this world we know, and that one day they would be reunited in heaven. 

Now, years later, Jay’s own wife, Dee, was experiencing the same inexpressible grief.  When Aunt Harriet heard of Jay’s death, she reminisced about the nephew who had comforted her.  After some effort, she managed to locate the sympathy card, which was tucked away in a book. She read his words again, this time thinking about Dee’s grief at losing her husband.  And she decided to send the card to Dee. 

It was weeks after the funeral. All the family was gone, and Dee was left to take care of their two young children—who reminded her so much of Jay—and grieve on her own. 

Until the card came. As Dee opened it, she could hardly believe what she was seeing—the handwriting she knew like her own heart.  The tender words of consolation wrapped themselves around her soul as they had in the days when she and Jay were dating. But now, instead of words of his undying devotion, Dee was reading his words of deepest consolation in his own death. And the wife who didn’t get to tell her husband goodbye would end up reading his own words of comfort to her in her time of greatest grief. It was his final gift to her, words of promise and hope that they would be reunited forever in God’s timing.

Jay was inexplicable in life, and inexplicable in death. But his heart lives on, because the One who held his heart lives eternally. And the love of Christ that ruled Jay’s life is the same love that has conquered death for all.

Driving from Nashville to Jacksonville, Florida, Brian Yak wondered how his search for his biological father would end. In a matter of hours he would meet the man who had deserted his family when Brian was only a few weeks old.

Brian wanted to believe that his father had turned his drug and alcohol habits around. Yet he couldn’t ignore the fact that his dad sounded drunk when they set up their meeting by phone.

Jesus, what really is the purpose of this? he prayed as he passed mile marker after mile marker on the busy freeway.

Eventually the answer came: It’s an opportunity for you to look into your father’s eyes and forgive him.

He couldn’t rest

When Brian was about 6 years old, he learned he was adopted. He and his mom were at Wendy’s that day when she said the man he called “Dad” was not his father. “I was divorced before marrying him. You were our ring bearer.”

Brian did not understand the full implications of her words. He simply said, “Okay.” And that was that. He was content to be loved by his mother and the man he called “Dad.”

While growing up, Brian’s mother had done her best to protect him from his biological father’s world. All he knew about him were the few things she told him: His father had abused drugs and alcohol. He had repeatedly lied and broken his promises to be sober and clean.

None of this really mattered to Brian when he was a child. That’s because his mother had remarried a wonderful man who loved him as his own son.

Growing up, life was good for Brian. His parents gave him the opportunity to have a bright future and helped him understand the grace of God.

He had few questions about his biological father … until he went to college and began thinking about getting engaged. That’s when he realized there was a big piece of his past missing.

With a family history of a broken marriage and a failure for a father, he wanted to know what really went wrong. Were there addictive tendencies in his bloodline that would cause him to one day fail in his own marriage?

Brian was terrified to ask his girlfriend, Christa, to marry him. Before he got married he simply had to have an answer to one question: Who is the man who gave me life? He wanted to look his father in the eye and ask, “Why wasn’t I worth it 24 years ago? … Why didn’t you sacrifice for me? … Were drugs and alcohol really more important than your family?”

Two strangers

With Christa’s encouragement and his parents’ support, he began an online search. It didn’t take long for a photograph of his biological father to pop up on his computer screen: a mug shot from an arrest. Then he found his father’s phone number.

After mustering up the nerve to call, Brian was soon disappointed. His father sounded inebriated.

But they agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in Jacksonville. Brian hoped that, at the very least, he would hear his father apologize for abandoning him and his mom. And at best, he wondered if they could begin a healthy, new relationship.

Brian knew the risk of heartache as he headed from Tennessee to Florida. He was about to reawaken a relationship that had been dead for more than two decades. When he pulled into the restaurant parking lot, he sensed his life would never be the same.

A few minutes later he met his father face to face. With an awkward handshake and introduction, the middle-aged man appeared overwhelmed at seeing how his son had grown over the past 24 years.

Brian also met a grandmother and learned that he had a half-brother. His grandmother had driven his father to the restaurant that day because his driver’s license had been taken away after yet another arrest.

Brian sat that day with two people who shared his DNA, but strangely they had little else in common. His relatives seemed uncomfortable and said they were not “restaurant people.” They didn’t order anything while Brian ate his meal.

Brian’s father seemed indifferent; the conversation was strained. The threesome did make some small talk though as they tried to compress more than two decades into one lunchtime conversation. They talked about the weather … where they lived … where Brian went to church.

There was no Hallmark ending at the restaurant that day. No deep father-son conversation. Brian’s father never admitted to doing any wrong.

Brian could not help but wonder why his father never turned his life around. His adopted dad had sacrificed so much for him. Why hadn’t his biological father been willing to do the same?

And it was impossible for Brian to understand why his dad seemed so detached. His lack of interest made Brian feel worthless in own father’s eyes, like a piece of litter carelessly tossed to the roadside.

Brian did learn some things about his father. He married again after Brian’s mom divorced him. But that marriage, too, ended in divorce.  Brian realized the marriages had failed not because of circumstances or fate but because his father had made some poor choices.

And now Brian had to make a choice for himself. He was at a decisive crossroads. Would he dwell on past hurts that he could never change? Or, would he choose instead to cling to the words of Jesus in Matthew 6:12 and forgive his father?

Would Brian become bitter, holding his father’s failures against him? Or would he release his father from any obligation toward him?  Would he put his limited understanding aside and give his hurts to all-knowing God?

Everything within Brian wanted to say, “This isn’t just! How could my very own dad be such a loser? He simply doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

But words of accusation would not fix his father. Nothing he could do would erase the past … or make his father change.

Brian remembered how God had not withheld forgiveness from him (John 3:16).  He remembered that by faith, as a follower of Jesus Christ, he was to do the same others (Colossians 3:13).

His father really didn’t really owe him anything because forgiveness is not something to be deserved. Instead, it’s freely given. So, at the end of his meal, he looked at his father and said, “I forgive you.”

There was no change in Brian’s father that day as he said those three little words. But there was a big difference in Brian’s spirit. He felt an odd sense of relief.

Moving forward

Before they parted that day, Brian gave his father a hug. Looking him in the eye he said, “I love you,” not knowing if they would ever meet again. Then Brian headed back to Nashville with an empty heart.

The drive was long and hard. But it gave him time to think. His trip had not been in vain. After all, he met his biological father and better understood his roots.

Releasing his hurts to God freed him to move forward.  It took his focus off of what his relationship with his biological father could have been, and caused him to have a new appreciation for his adopted father.

He vowed not to make the same mistakes of his biological father. Instead, his marriage and family would be modeled after the sacrificial love of his adoptive dad and the unfailing love of his eternal Father.

In the next two years, Brian and his biological father connected just a few more brief times by phone. And then he learned of his father’s passing on Facebook.

Brian was grateful he had searched for his father and thankful they had met. Comforted that he had forgiven him.

Brian also knew that his heavenly Father wanted only the best for him. He would continue to look to the future and not dwell on the past.

For the Fatherless

Forgiving his biological father gave Brian the courage to marry Christa. Like Brian, Christa understands the heartache of children who have lost their biological fathers. She was a little girl when her father passed away due to cancer. And like Brian, she is a singer and songwriter.

Brian and Christa realized the unique way that God had knitted their hearts together, and talked about how they might do music together. After spending some time in prayer Brian said, “Why don’t we call ourselves ‘For the Fatherless’?”

And with that decision, it all made sense. As two people who had lost their earthly fathers they would write music and sing songs that did more than entertain. “We wanted to draw the fatherless [because of death or alienation] to our heavenly Father,” Brian says. ” … to let them know that we are for them.”

And today, the Yaks are doing just that. They are reminding others that there is no faultless father on Earth. That every person on this planet makes plenty of mistakes.

“We write and sing songs to lead others to the only perfect Father,” Brian says.

Now Brian and Christa not only serve as worship leaders at The Chapel at Crosspoint (Buffalo, New York), but also record and perform music as For the Fatherless. It’s commonplace for people to come up to them after concerts and tell their own stories about losing their fathers.

And as they do, Brian and Christa are reminded that God is using them in a unique way. He is turning the wrongs of Brian’s father into something very right.

Copyright © 2015 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. To learn more about Brian and Christa’s music, visit their website, For the Fatherless music.

Sin is a reality of our lives. Without God’s love and forgiveness, the spiritually healthy family would be impossible.

Without God’s help, dysfunction is our only option.

Some dysfunction is the reality of living in an imperfect world with imperfect people, but it will be especially present when we omit God from our lives. Painful dysfunction comes when we choose to sit in the Director’s chair in an attempt to live the abundant life in the way we see fit.

While there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of types of dysfunction in today’s families, let’s unpack six dysfunctional parenting styles that without God’s redemption will leave a negative impact on our families.

1. The double-minded parent.

You see adulthood as a time to fulfill all your dreams in this life, and your children are just one small part of those dreams. You think about how wonderful it is to have all that God offers, as well as what the world offers too! These are the mantras that you live by:

• “I have worked hard my whole life—now it’s time for me!”
• “God wants me to be happy, so I know that He is okay with my making choices that fulfill my needs even over my children’s, because their day will come when they are older.”
• “Who says you can’t have it all?”
• “Of course I love God, but this world is pretty cool, too, don’t you think?”

You must have the latest and the greatest, and no one is going to stop you. Children are sometimes an asset because they make adorable models in Christmas cards and allow you to brag in the social scene, but they can also equally cramp your style when you desire to stay out late or get away somewhere exotic for the weekend.

You have to have the biggest house, the most expensive toy, or the latest technology. Sure, you travel a lot, but you have earned it. You deserve some peace and quiet, and want time away to enjoy the best golf courses and the finest dining.

Children raised by the double-minded parent will often grow up having co-dependency tendencies, seeking acceptance from others, being unrealistic in their view of “self,” and feeling insecure. They are confused about what it means to follow Christ, and might avoid their parents in adulthood.

2. The “I can’t say no” parent.

These parents love to say yes because when they do, everyone seems happy. They think that becoming a mom or dad is a perfect way to expand their social life as well. They truly enjoy the company of their children and don’t see a need for hierarchy in the family sector.

These parents might try to justify their actions by saying:

• “I want to give my child all that I didn’t have when I was growing up.”
• “Discipline is exhausting for me and my child—so I don’t do it! I create no boundaries, and therefore there is no need. Besides, I really, really, really want my kids to like me.”
• “Unpopular no more, I now have a junior companion in life!”
• “Sure, I rely on my child for emotional and social support—that’s what friends do!”
• “In order to create intimacy and trust, I don’t have any boundaries on the topics that I discuss with my child.”
• “I had a kid because I want to spoil someone. I like to spend money and be generous—what’s so bad about that?”
• “My child is very mature for her age.”

Critics say you don’t have a backbone and your children are taking advantage of you.

When your kids get older and choose their peers over you, you find yourself desperate to keep their affection. You resort to buying their time and attention or guilting them into it. Either way you must ensure that you will not be without their companionship because you are afraid of being alone or unloved.

Children raised by the I-Can’t-Say-No parent often grow up too quickly, suffer from chronic boredom, think that rules don’t apply to them, become poor money managers, are unable to cultivate healthy emotional boundaries with others, and have an unhealthy attachment to you in adulthood.

3. The driver parent.

If you are a driver parent, you view being driven as the secret to your success, and you want this same success (if not more) for your child. You wonder why people are always telling you to “lighten up” in the way you interact with your child, while you conjure up these justifications:

• “I am driven and have been successful, so why would I let my child waste one second of his day?”
• “Childhood is overrated—we need to start thinking of college now!”
• “I love to vicariously live through my child’s life. It makes me so much more of an involved parent when I feel that we are “both” succeeding!”
• “Everyone else is my daughter’s competition—and they had better get out of the way. There’s room for only one at the top.”

Driver parents often come from two extremes: as children they themselves were high achievers, and are determined to keep the legacy alive; or they were not afforded the opportunities to succeed and now want to ensure that their children have those things. In either scenario, children of driver parents often feel undue pressure to not disappoint their parents’ expectations.

Driver parents most commonly reveal themselves in sports and academics. In sports, success is often subjective, so the driver parent is present at all the games or events to make sure that the coach and the children have the parent’s perspective in the matter. In academics, success is objective; therefore great attention is given to study time, test scores, and advanced-placement courses (which will look good on college applications).

Children raised by the driver parent will often grow up feeling anxious or depressed (or both), and dissatisfied with their accomplishments. They often struggle with addiction and are unable to “play” or relax.

4. The micro-managing parent.

These are statements you might use to reassure yourself you are on the right track:

• “I know what is right. It’s my job to make sure my child doesn’t make a mistake!”
• “Everything is done the way I want it, or I do it myself. Since my standards are so high, it’s just easier that way for everyone.”
• “My kids don’t understand that I make all their decisions for their own good.”
• “The world is a dangerous place—period! Someday my kids will thank me for protecting them.”

As the micro-manager, you need to be in control of everything. Your parenting style reflects your fear of letting go and what could happen if you do. The exaggerated need to be in charge of everyone and every decision is a dysfunction that stems from insecurity. Perhaps you were wounded as a child, and now, by your control, you ensure that you will never be victimized again. You now have a voice and will control circumstances by force, manipulation, and guilt in order to arrange life’s events in such a way that you come out on top a “victor.”

Children raised by the micro-managing parent will often grow up doubting themselves, feeling driven to perfection, struggling with headaches and stomachaches, and developing eating disorders.

5. The criticizing parent.

This parent can’t help but point out what is wrong. To him or her, it’s obvious what needs to be fixed, and consequently this parent calls attention to the problem so it can be corrected.

As a criticizing parent, you argue that this is a gift to your child, while others say you are being cruel with your words. You question how else your child will get the “thick skin” needed to survive in a harsh world and believe that you’re doing her a favor by “toughening” her up.

To feel reassured, a criticizing parent might make these justifications:

• “Life is tough. I didn’t get a free pass; why should he?”
• “Of course I constantly criticize my child (even in public). It keeps her ego under control.”
• “I never praise my child because then he will strive for better. It’s the only way to get ahead in this life.”
• “I don’t encourage my child’s interests—she will probably change her mind soon anyhow. What a waste of time and money.”
• “If I don’t point out his faults, someone else will. Wouldn’t he rather it come from me than from a stranger?”

Criticism is just a way for you to keep the “family business” going. You were most likely criticized as a child, as were your parent(s) and your grandparent(s). This heritage has built in you a certain hardness that doesn’t have time to feel emotions, whine about the past, or spend time crying over what is not.  Rather than expose the hurt and deal with it, you find it easier and more effective to keep it locked away safely where no one can mess it up any further.

Children raised by the criticizing parent will often grow up bullying others, feeling insecure, blaming others for their mistakes, and being pessimistic about the future.

6. The absentee parent.

In your mind the big moments in life are not losing teeth, hitting a home run in little league, or a dance recital. The big moments are the ones that you are providing and planning for, such as college, weddings, and retirement. You can justify your absence because of the following reasons:

• “I recognize that my child would rather have all today’s stuff than me, so I work long hours to provide for his current and future needs.”
• “My absence is a good way for my children to learn independence.”
• “My nanny (or babysitter) is younger and more fun than I am.”
• “I deny my child emotional bonding when I am home so that our time away is easier on her.”

Absenteeism is birthed from an insatiable need to achieve and succeed.  A parent with this dysfunction has no boundaries on time and energy, and feels that sleep and rest are for weak people. While they boast of an 80-hour workweek, feeling proud of their accomplishments, they simply can’t understand those who find satisfaction in a job well done and also find time for recreation, rest, and service to others. They justify their dysfunction by criticizing others’ lack of ambition, work ethic, or inability to progress.

Children raised by an absentee parent often grow up too fast, become sexually promiscuous, have low self-worth, and demand inordinate attention from others.

There’s hope!

In contrast to the six dysfunctional parenting styles stands the offer of hope from God that we may live in relationship with Him, pursuing His kingdom while living on His script. While far from perfect, the spiritually healthy parent walks each day, step by step, with God as his or her guide.

Becoming a spiritually healthy family means you will allow God to call the shots for you and your family members and that you look to Him to give you wisdom instead of relying on your own strength and “great ideas.” Because you realize you are a work in progress yourself, you offer your children grace when needed, while helping them see the correct path that God desires all His children to follow.

You recite the following things each day, because, deep down you know them to be true:

• “I recognize that my child has been entrusted to me by God and that I need His guidance to raise her.”
• “I know I live in a sinful world, but I will seek to put God’s character on display in my home in everyday situations.”
• “I know there is a higher calling as a parent than controlling my child’s behavior—and that is forming his faith.”
• “I seek to grow spiritually myself, knowing that the overflow of this will have a positive impact on my child.”

Children raised by the spiritually healthy parent often grow up knowing God, loving others, living a life of meaning, and recognizing that this world is not their ultimate home.

Copyright © 2015 Michelle Anthony. Becoming a Spiritually Healthy Family is published by David C Cook. All rights reserved.

Bon Bons (Dalcie Rainey) 

2 cups sugar
1/2 cup white corn syrup
1/2 cup whipping cream

• Mix these 3 ingredients in a pan, stirring with a spoon until it reaches soft ball stage (a small amount of mixture becomes a “soft ball” when it is dropped into cold water).
• Then add 1 tablespoon butter and 1-2 teaspoons vanilla extract after removing from the heat (probably needs continual stirring).
• Let set 5 minutes.
• Beat the candy 15-20 minutes till it loses its sheen. Set aside to cool.
• Make into small balls.
• Using a toothpick, dip balls in mixture of 4 squares of chocolate melted with ¼ block of shredded paraffin that have been melted together on low heat in a double boiler. (Dip the balls into chocolate quickly after rolling so they don’t dry out.)
• Set on cookie sheet or waxed paper and top each with a pecan half. When the chocolate hardens, put in a tin to keep fresh. 
   

Thanksgiving Day French Toast Recipe (Barbara Rainey)

Warning: This French toast is very filling!

1/2 cup margarine
1 1/2 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
8-12 slices of bread
8-9 eggs
pinch of salt
1 3/4 to 2 cups milk

Melt margarine in a 9 x 13 pan. Add brown sugar and cinnamon and stir. Layer bread on mixture. Beat eggs and salt together, then add milk. Pour over bread. Cover and place in refrigerator overnight. The next morning, uncover and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Cut into squares and place upside down on plate so melted sugar/cinnamon is on top.

Nonfat Granola (Jonni McCoy)

3/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup concentrated apple juice from frozen concentrate
1/2 cup nonfat dry milk
1/3 cup honey
5 cups quick-cooking oats
2 tablespoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup dried fruit

Mix sugar, juice, dry milk, and honey in saucepan and heat over medium heat only until sugar dissolves. Combine dry ingredients and fruit in mixing bowl. Pour sugar mixture slowly over dry mixture and blend well. Place on cookie sheet and bake at 375 for 10-20 minutes, stirring after every 10 minutes.

You can add peanuts, sunflower seeds, coconut, sesame seeds or peanut butter.