Essentials – FamilyLife®

The Impact of a Good Man: David & Meg Robbins

Thu, 14 Dec 2023 10:15:00 +0000

As a man, what are your weaknesses? True manhood goes beyond the physical, embracing family responsibilities like providing with security, nurturing and service, and maybe even the thrill of fantasy football drafting. Dave & Meg Robbins teach us what it means to be a good man.

Show Notes and Resources

Want to hear more episodes by David and Meg Robbins, listen here!
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Fatherhood has Second Chances: Jon Tyson

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 10:15:00 +0000

It’s not enough to hope our sons will become good men. We need them to be good at being men. Discover the influence you have on your family through second chances. Join Author Jon Tyson as he dives into how your habits and wounds shape your sons. Learn why it’s critical to bring in the right people to fill the gaps you can’t.

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Jon Tyson at church.nyc and find Jon on social media on Instagram.
And grab Jon Tyson’s book, The Intentional Father in our shop.
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper about Fatherhood
Want to hear more episodes by Jon Tyson, listen here!
Double your impact by Dec 31! Give families the gift of togetherness—donate, and it’s matched dollar for dollar. Act now for lasting change.
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
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The Intentional Father: Jon Tyson

Mon, 11 Dec 2023 10:15:00 +0000

Without strong mentors, boys are walking alone into a wilderness of conflicting messages about who they should be as men. It’s no wonder that our sons are confused about what the world expects from them and what they should expect of themselves. Jon Tyson lays out a clear path for fathers and sons that includes specific activities, rites of passage, and significant “marking moments” that can be customized to fit any family.

Show Notes and Resources

Toxic Masculinity–and the Power of a Great Dad: Nancy Pearcey

Wed, 11 Oct 2023 09:15:00 +0000

Toxic masculinity is just as destructive as we think it is—to society and men alike. But author and professor Nancy Pearcey’s data shows more of the whole story: of the power of a great dad and a good man to change their corner of the world.

As a little girl, I looked up to my dad so much. I was the youngest of four, but I can remember being scared of the dark, and I ran into my parents’ bedroom. I would snuggle in between my mom and dad, and I remember my dad would put his arm around me and I would feel so protected, and then my little head would move into his rib, and I could feel and hear his heartbeat. I felt so cared for and protected.

I loved my mom. I had a great relationship with my mom, but there was something about my dad that made me feel safe. I always wanted his attention. I wanted to be seen by him because he was so important to me. — Ann Wilson

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Nancy Pearcey on her website: nancypearcey.com
and get a copy of Nancy’s book, The Toxic War on Masculinity
Go to familylife.com/comingsoon to sign up for the Art of Marriage live event and to be notified of when pre-orders are live!
Check out more episodes from Nancy Pearcey
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Emotional Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life: David Thomas

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 09:15:00 +0000

What emotional skills does your son need? Counselor David Thomas sheds light on common emotional struggles, including anger, anxiety, and depression. Find practical ways you can help your son be resourceful, aware, resilient, and empathetic—breaking patterns of dysfunction and embracing maturity for life.
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with David Thomas at christianparenting.org and read the The three Rs for Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys.
And grab David’s book, Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys in our shop.
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper about shaping emotionally mature kids in Parenting: Passing On Healthy Habits for Kids.
Grab 25% off all FamilyLife’s small-group studies at shop.familylife.com
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys: David Thomas

Mon, 07 Aug 2023 09:15:00 +0000

What’s it take to raise emotionally strong boys? Veteran counselor David Thomas knows males typically aren’t equipped with skills to name and navigate their experience—and the fallout is grave. Thomas lays out strategies to equip boys for a powerful present and future.
Developmental theorists would say most girls finish adolescence somewhere around 19 to 20. They would say, for boys, it’s 22 to 25. — David Thomas
Show Notes and Resources

4 Tips To Get Your Kids To Play Outside

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 21:35:38 +0000

Looking for ways to give your kids’ mental and physical health a boost? One simple way you can do this is by taking your kids to play outside. According to Harvard Health, it’s important for your kids to spend time outside because:

Time in the sun helps kids produce vitamin D.
Outdoor play keeps kids active.
It inspires creative play and helps develop other executive-function skills.
Unstructured time improves their socialization skills.
It teaches them to value nature.

Despite the many benefits of time outdoors, technology and other indoor entertainment make it difficult to motivate kids to leave the house. So how can we teach kids to value time outside?

How to get your kids to play outside

Maybe you wouldn’t consider yourself outdoorsy, or you’re wondering what you’d even tell your kids to do if you managed to pry their devices away. Here are four tips to help you encourage your kids to play outside.

1. Show them what there is to love about being outside.

What do you love about being outside? Are there outdoor activities you’ve been meaning to try? Do you have bikes or kayaks collecting dust in the garage? Show your kids you believe going outside will be a good experience … not just a “good idea.”

Next, spend some time outside together.

If you’re wanting to relax and wind down, you could have a picnic and read on a blanket (I have fond memories of this growing up). Another idea is to go on a walk and point out landmarks, animals, or wildflowers.

If you’re needing to run off the kids’ energy, try a water balloon fight or a game of capture the flag. You can be part of the audience, but remember … you’re never too old to play outside.

If your kids don’t like spending time outdoors, you may want to talk with them to see where the hesitation is coming from:

Do they feel safe outside?
Is it too hot or too cold for them?
Are they getting bored?
Do their devices just seem more exciting?

If you can, talk with them and try to alleviate their concerns. Perhaps certain places or times of day feel more comfortable to go out. Maybe they need that extra reminder to wear sunscreen and bug spray. Or they may just need fun ideas that work well with their environment and help them cool down from being in the sun.

2. Emphasize the importance of getting away from the noise.

Let’s face it, the world can be LOUD. From the actual noise of traffic and crowds to the metaphorical noise of a busy schedule—it all can add up. Kids are still learning to process the world, to identify their needs and find healthy ways to meet them.

Research has shown that noise pollution can inhibit childrens’ speech perception and listening comprehension, as well as performance on reading, verbal tasks, and even nonauditory tasks like memory recall.

According to Nationwide Children’s, stress can cause a number of short- and long-term physical and psychological health problems in children. Keep in mind, stress can be caused by good and bad events. Maybe you’ve got a son or daughter who’s been dealing with a bully this year. Or a kiddo who’s been staying awfully busy with sports practice or another extracurricular.

For all these reasons, it’s important for kids (and adults) to get time away from the usual environment—to be somewhere unstructured where they can be carefree and creative.

And speaking of that last point…

3. Encourage their creativity as often as you can.

In an overstimulating world of endless shows, video games, and music to stream, going outside is going to seem boring at first. As someone who enjoys the fun and excitement of adventure movies and video games, I know they can make it more difficult to stay present in real life.

But if your kids play outside with an open mind and a few ideas, they can make their own adventure.

Bring some chalk to draw on the sidewalk. Build a “lean-to” by leaning sturdy sticks up against a tree. Or give your kids some options to try on their own (with age-appropriate supervision): bubbles, water balloons, jump ropes, a ball—whatever you have.

They may need some encouragement to get started, but kids are naturally creative. When you see your kid engaging more with his or her creative side, try to pause what you’re doing and interact with them.

What could your family do with 500 Hours? Take the challenge.

4. Help your kids find a healthy balance.

Talk with your spouse or any other guardians about how much time would be good for your kids to play outside. Consider limits for technology when they’re inside.

While TV shows, movies, video games, etc. are typically viewed as a distraction, they can also be used for good. They can be great ways for a kid to bond with parents, siblings, and friends. They can educate, create laughter, or reflect the gospel. But it certainly depends on the content as well as the frequency of use. Media is often used as an escape and a distraction—by kids and adults.

Spending time outside provides a different kind of escape, one that can leave kids feeling more connected to family, friends, and God. It can also give them the space to process their own thoughts and feelings. Being outside removes many of the distractions that can keep kids from being fully present and appreciating their surroundings.

When you get out there, remember…

As you and your kids get used to spending more intentional time outside, you’ll learn what works for your family and what doesn’t. Who knows? You may all come away with new activities you love and new ways to get away and relax. However your time out there looks, your kids will experience long-lasting benefits when they play outside.

Need more tips for what to do with the kids this summer? Check out our Summer Game Plan here.

Alex McMurray is a content writer for FamilyLife at Cru headquarters in Orlando. She graduated from Cedarville University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. She grew up in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania with her parents and older brother. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors.

Parenting and Your Kid’s Love Language

Thu, 29 Jun 2023 09:15:00 +0000

Every good parent wrestles with how to best parent their kids. Gary Chapman offers answers through discussing a kid’s biggest emotional need—that of being loved.
Show Notes and Resources

Purchase The 5 Love Languages of Children on our shop.
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

6 Unexpected Roles of a Father

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 16:37:21 +0000

My biological father left when I was 2 years old. While it might be easy to assume I was too young for any lasting damage, my early childhood years were filled with painful memories. As a result, I’ve spent hours contemplating the role of a father in a child’s life.

I’ve read the studies that show how boys in my situation are more likely to be involved in gangs, flunk out of school, and end up on drugs. While that wasn’t my path, the pain of those early years still directs much of my life today.

The role of a father

If you’re a father, you are of greater importance to your child than you know. Your value goes beyond any financial provision you may or may not provide. Even if your relationship with your children is strained, you don’t have a cent to your name, or you only get to see them for a few hours every other weekend, you play a significant role in shaping your child’s future.

Here are six roles of a father you may not have realized.

1. Model (of God’s character).

For better or worse, our first impression of God’s character is derived from the character of our earthly father. Is God a trustworthy fortress of protection and strength or a selfish, narcissistic liar? Is He someone we can approach with our failures, or is He looking to smite us if we step out of line?

My biological father’s unreliability taught me that a heavenly father, if there even was one, probably couldn’t be trusted. When my mother eventually remarried, the last thing I wanted to do was allow myself to trust again. But her new husband showed me a different kind of fatherhood.

When things got tough, he stayed. When I was sick, he patiently sponged me down and kept my fever at bay. And when I wet the bed, he changed the sheets without condemnation. Ever so slowly, he proved himself to be trustworthy and became my dad. It led me to believe that maybe, just maybe, God could be trusted too.

2. Teacher.

When I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child, it was a dream come true. I watched my wife’s body change and grow in support of the new life within her and wondered when my growth was supposed to take place.

When would I develop the ability to fix a car or recite all the books of the bible from memory? One of the roles of a father is to be a teacher, but what could I possibly teach? I still had so much to learn myself.

After raising two children to adulthood, I’ve learned that teaching life skills and random Bible trivia are good, but they’re not as important as I once thought. YouTube can teach you how to tie a tie. Google can tell you how old Methuselah was. But a father uniquely teaches us how to live.

How should we handle disappointment or respond when our boss mistreats us? Is God real or just something we talk about at church? Is the goal of life financial success or the success of God’s kingdom?

My dad was constantly getting mistreated at work, but instead of fighting back, he would always say, “It’s in God’s hands.” At the time, it frustrated me greatly. But it turned out to be a powerful testimony to his faith in God. His quiet resolve to trust in God’s plan spoke louder than words.

3. Protector.

When we left the hospital with our newborn daughter, it all felt too easy. I kept looking over my shoulder, waiting to see a nurse running down the street after us. Were they really going to let us take this kid home!? As we pulled away, I realized we were on our own.

The ride home was the most cautious drive of my life; my daughter’s safety was in my hands.

Most men instinctively understand the role of a father in protecting his children. I’m not an aggressive man by any measure, but had anyone threatened my daughter, I’m sure an ugly Hulk-like transformation would’ve met them. But there are other kinds of dangers. Many of them are in our own homes.

Are we willing to limit our entertainment options to protect our kids from unhealthy messages and images? What about internet access and social media? Being a protector is about more than keeping kids away from the “bad guy.” It’s also about not inviting him into our homes.

4. Fixer.

As my kids were growing up, they thought I was a superhero. My power? I could fix anything. At least that’s what they thought. Whether it was a broken toy truck, a ripped stuffed animal, or a big splinter, it didn’t matter. Daddy was the fixer.

While it’s true that a father’s inclination to fix things can sometimes get him into trouble—like when his daughter is looking for empathy and not solutions—a father shouldn’t ignore his problem-solving instincts. God designed dads this way for a reason. We just need to learn to use our powers the right way.

A father needs to not only look at the immediate issues in the lives of his children, but also to think strategically. At the moment, your daughter may only need a shoulder to cry on, but what are the deeper issues involved? Is there a lack of confidence? A damaging peer group? The infiltration of ungodly values? Think through what your child needs in the next five days, five months, and five years. Then work to address those needs.

And don’t worry if you can’t solve every problem. The best thing you can do is strategically point your kids to the One who can.

5. Model (of how men treat women).

After introducing a friend to my dad, she said, “You look just like him.”

I smiled to myself as I thought about how I don’t share any of his DNA. But we share so many mannerisms and little quirks that a resemblance has formed nonetheless. It’s even funnier when I consider how many of these similarities have been “passed down” to my own son.

Without even trying, a father’s behavior helps shape future generations—one unexpected lesson after another.

If children catch their father looking at other women, they learn commitment is transient, self-control is a myth, and appearance is everything. If he’s chosen to live with but not marry their mother, they learn men don’t need to make commitments and women are to be kept around only as long as they are useful. These may not be the values we want to communicate, but our lives provide the model.

After my daughter’s wedding, I found a note waiting for me on my bed. Among other things, she wrote, “I knew what to look for in a husband from your example.” It felt great to read, but it immediately made me wonder what lessons my son was learning by watching me. Was I treating my wife the way I want him to treat his one day?

Gather tools for robust parenting that echoes for generations with the Art of Parenting.

6. Warrior.

One night, we woke to a loud crash and the wail of the alarm telling us the back door had been breached. In a panic, my wife and I gathered the kids in our room and locked the door. Then, in a violation of all tactical wisdom, I grabbed a decorative sword off the wall, swung open the door, and charged downstairs screaming.

Thankfully, I was greeted by a busted pipe spewing water and not anything more sinister.

As a father, it’s my job to use whatever strength I have to fight for my family. But fighting isn’t always seen as positive. Jesus is most known for his lamb-like gentleness where He turns the other cheek and absorbs insults with grace. While true, Jesus isn’t only a gentle lamb. He is also a strong and passionate Lion. When Jesus saw evil, He went headfirst into battle on our behalf to defeat it.

Our world is filled with evil, some that directly threatens our families or others. Like Jesus, fathers can’t be passive in the face of evil. We must be willing to run into battle.

Second Corinthians 10:4 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.”

Our prayers are not ineffective swords. They have power. Is your faith focused on creating comfort? Or is it willing to go where it’s dangerous in defense of the weak? When a child witnesses a father in battle on behalf of others, it teaches that some things are bigger than us.

Psalm 127:4 says children are “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior.” Arrows are not meant to be kept safely in their quiver forever. Eventually, we must launch them into battle. Give them a vision of something worth fighting for.

The role of a father: Pointing to the One

When I consider all the roles of a father in a child’s life, I can’t help but feel like a failure. No matter how dedicated or intentional you are, no man can get it right 100% of the time. For every season of success, there are seasons of failure. Thankfully, even our failures can be used to point our kids to the perfect Father—our heavenly Father.

And He will never let them down.

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.

Raising Sons During the ‘Crisis of Manhood’

Wed, 07 Jun 2023 05:00:00 +0000

The third of my four sons, Kolby Jack Kemp, is now a dutiful firefighter and adventure hound in the Rockies. I got nostalgic one day and walked into his old bedroom.

There I found his “Welcome to Manhood” album. And that took my mind back to the weekend we spent together when he was 18 and about to leave home for college.

I planned and prayed for that weekend for six months. We traveled, we rode up ski lifts together, we skied hard, and we ate burgers and steaks. And we weren’t alone—six other men joined us to help launch Kolby into manhood.

On the final night we sat for three hours and told stories, answering questions like, “What happened in your lives that shaped you as a man, a husband, a follower of Jesus?”

The younger guys talked about choosing deep friendships and how to treat women. The older guys talked about being humbled in life and valuing marriage. Everyone talked about faith, identity, and relationships. Don, a former fighter pilot, told about coming close to death when he lost oxygen in his jet. He drew a parallel to how we men are blind to our own pride. He was saved by the stern words of his training commander in another plane to “put on your oxygen mask!” Don reminded Kolby—and all of us around the table—to build deep friendship and give a few men permission to speak candidly into our lives.

We completed our man trip with a prayer of blessing on Kolby and followed it up with the letters to him that went into his black leather album. We affirmed him in manhood and challenged him to step up and assume his responsibilities as a man.

A daunting era

Manhood is in crisis today. There’s an identity and character crisis … from the NFL to our high schools, from prisons to wealthy neighborhoods with emotionally absent fathers and fractures from divorce.

It’s a daunting era to raise a son into a man:

Young men continue adolescent behavior through their 20s—often coasting without building a career, mooching on couches or in their old bedroom in their parents’ home, barely dating, hooking up instead of honoring women, living together rather than marrying.
Guys look for mentions on social media instead of mentors among mature men. They focus on fashion and style instead of character and Jesus, the only one Who can replace petty addictive desires with a larger transforming desire.
Single 30-year-old guys devote themselves to video games and fantasy football, and married 30-year-old guys forego bedtime and sex with their wives for video games and porn late at night.

Even in this culture, as dads we have a great opportunity to show our sons that God’s way of manhood is clear in Jesus Christ. It’s gutsy, rewarding, and significant. Our mandate is to model humble surrender to Christ and then call our sons to step up into that likeness of Christ that makes for a man. God is love and His love is the path of shaping growing boys into godly men.

Teenagers want to be in charge. They want freedom and independence. We must build on that natural desire by showing our sons that growing up to manhood and freedom comes after a man surrenders to Jesus and masters responsibility. Freedom comes after you grow up in maturity to take care of yourself, manage life’s issues, and become a benefit rather than a burden to others.

Teaching and modeling these principles to your sons requires commitment, wisdom, and intentionality. And yet my experience from raising four sons leads me to make a disclaimer: No one does it perfectly, and the credit for anything good goes to God!

There’s a lot I could have done better. I didn’t succeed much at dinnertime devotions. I wasn’t disciplined in teaching the Bible and helping my sons memorize Scripture. I was more into playing with my boys than intentional teaching. I could have taught them more consistently about sex and relationships. They didn’t get much from me around car maintenance, checkbook balancing, or home repair. I coached their sports and took them skiing a lot, but I wish I’d taken them on some family mission trips. I exposed them to Christian athletes, but wish I’d also exposed them to impoverished South American believers with generosity and faith that exposed the shallow self-indulgence of American prosperity.

But, I did have a great teammate in my wife. I urge dads to frequently ask their wives (or, if they are single, a teen’s mom) for relational and emotional insight into their sons and how to best reach them.

So, with that said, here’s a bit of a game plan for raising adolescent sons to become men.

1. Start with prayer. Pray daily for your life to change and to model humility, responsibility, integrity, and love. Pray for God’s Holy Spirit to open your son’s heart to trust and seek Jesus above all else. Pray for your relationship with him and for other mentors in his life. Ask him frequently how you can pray for him.

2. Give him a vision for manhood. Find ways to point out the character, behaviors, and path to authentic manhood. Read through Dennis Rainey’s book, Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood and watch the Stepping Up video series together.

3. Shape your son’s identity. This is the central mission of a dad. Identity is based on:

Who made you—a loving, perfect Creator, God;
How He rescued you from selfishness and rebellion through Jesus;
Your inner strengths of character;
Your people-blessing strengths; and
Your skills and passions.

Help your son discover that his identity is based on strengths—the greatest strength is God, next is his character, and finally his skills. Too many people base their identity on performance, position, popularity, or notoriety. That’s why athletes are often narcissistic and stunted in maturity, and why entertainment stars are relationship disasters.

Make it your habit to communicate to your son that you take joy in who he is. Take attention off performance and outcomes … put it onto identity, belonging, aspirations, and character. I remember the day when I was coaching youth football and I heard a father in the parking lot yell at his son, who was one of our shorter, plumper linemen: “Hey, Dufus. Get over here.” I was so mad at that dad, and hurt for that boy.

Dads, our job is to name our son a man. Men need to be named. Remember the Father naming Jesus when John baptized Him: “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” Your son needs to hear you say, “You’re a man” … “You have what it takes” … “I believe in you” … “I’m proud of you.”

When it comes to grades, performance, and sports, focus on the heart. Remember what the majority of young athletes fear most—dad’s comments on the car ride home. Make the car ride home positive: “I love to watch you play.” Encourage your son. Don’t break him down through criticism.

FamilyLife has a great resource to help you build your son’s identity. It’s called Passport2Identity, and it helps you set up a weekend to talk about scriptural principles on topics like transitioning toward independence, making your faith your own, relationships, and mission.

4. Mentor your sons in healthy relationships, sexuality, and marriage. I think of Coach Mike Swider of Wheaton College, who shapes young men through his football program. He says every day his dad told him three things:

“God loves you, son.”
“I love you.”
“I will always love your mother.”

In today’s world of consumer relationships and à-la-carte sex, a dad must make a long-term, year-round mentorship effort to help his son understand how to treat his friends, his family members, and members of the opposite sex. He should help his son understand that marriage is the pinnacle of commitment, love, romance, sexual fulfillment, and lifetime legacy.

A single dad, recently left by his wife, set a high water mark for casting the vision for husbanding and marriage. Months after she divorced him, his ex-wife called him in a panic that her car wouldn’t work. He calmed her, drove to her place, gave her his car for the day, took her car and had it fixed by the end of the day. That night his teenager expressed shock that he could be so nice to her when she’d been so mean to him.

His dad replied, “Love means treating people well no matter how they treat us. Jesus did that for us and I need to do that for your mom. That’s what men do. It’s why you and I need Jesus to be the men He made us to be.” Men, don’t let bad circumstances, past failures or bad treatment stop you from modeling and teaching manhood to your sons, and to your daughters.

5. Look for everyday opportunities to pass on biblical wisdom. In Deuteronomy 6:5-7, we are told to teach God’s Word to our children continually, as a way of life. As I raised my sons, I looked for opportunities during:

Meal time: family dinner, sharing the load, sitting at the table—without the TV on;
Family room and backyard time: games and play;
At bedtime: listening, telling stories, prayers;
In the car: driving to school and games, hiking or biking, skiing or fishing, on the way home from church or youth group events;
At restaurants: most especially for hungry teen boys, taking them out to eat regularly is prime man-shaping time.

One place I built manhood was at Family Pancake House in Redmond, Washington. When my boys reached high school I started taking them (individually) to breakfast a couple times a month. At first we mainly just ate, without much deep spiritual conversation. But as time went on and college applications came closer, their questions increased and the conversations were valuable.

Use little notes and texts to affirm your son, encourage him, share a Scripture or thought about his manhood.

6. Create rites of passage. They don’t need to be fancy or formal. Create adventures and dinners that share stories and affirmation of manhood. Take your son away when he’s 10 to discuss growing up, purity and that he can bring his questions to you. Invite him to help plan a dad/son trip when he’s 13 -15. When he’s 18 take him on a Welcome to Manhood adventure and dinner with other men. And when he gets engaged, hold a groom dinner with other husbands to share stories and wisdom. Also remember that men like to talk shoulder-to-shoulder, eyes forward, so keep that in mind as you create time and intentional conversations in the car or on the trail with your son. Tell stories in the car, and out on the trail, of when you were young and things you’ve experienced in life. He’ll eat it up.

7. Don’t be afraid to admit your weaknesses. Humility and transparency are crucial to shaping a son into a man. If you want to teach responsibility and surrender to God, there’s no better way to demonstrate it than to apologize. The most powerful way to teach your son to repent, apologize, and own up to his own mistakes is to do so yourself.

And if you really want them to listen to you, tell them about your own failures. It helps to take yourself off the father pedestal and makes it easier for them to envision admitting weakness and growing to maturity.

8. Remember that you’re raising your son to eventually leave. My mentor in fathering, Don Wallis, once told me that his goal was that, by the time his sons were in their 20s, they would know him fully and he would know them fully. Yet, he also told me that he deliberately stepped back from them in their later teens to give them space to be their own man … thus allowing them to call him back into their lives as a mentor, more than a daddy. This is astute and helped me.

Which brings me back to Kolby’s Welcome to Manhood trip. On that weekend I shared a story about one of my experiences as a quarterback in the NFL, when I failed to take the bulk of the blame for a loss we had against the Kansas City Chiefs. A godly teammate pulled me aside and helped me see the consequences of hiding from and not taking full responsibility as a leader and man. Telling the story humbled me, but it blessed my son on his journey to being a real man—a man built for others.