How do you get your marriage back to where it used to be? Author and former FamilyLife Today host Bob Lepine offers real strategies for the rough patches.

 
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Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Bob Lepine has co-hosted FamilyLife Today for 28 years, and today, he begins his farewell week, relating to Dave and Ann Wilson some of the top takeaways on marriage from his years with FamilyLife.
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Check out all that’s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/

“Dad’s home!” my brother exclaimed as he ran to the door.

For a moment, everything felt normal. There was no fighting. No talk of divorce. No discussions about custody. Just Dad coming home.

My brother was too young to realize how close our family came to permanently falling apart, but I knew. As our dad laid his bags in the corner, I looked over at my mother and saw a strange mixture of hope and doubt. Her smile said she was happy, but her eyes cried out, Will we make it? I shared her fears.

The years that followed our family’s reunion were rocky, and there were moments where we almost didn’t make it. But more than 35 years later, my parents are not only still together, they’re happy.

Rebuilding a marriage

If you’re considering reuniting with your spouse or you’ve recently moved back in after a separation, here are some things to keep in mind on your road to restoration.

“Forgive and forget” won’t be easy

Colossians 3:13 reminds us to, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (NIV).

Separations are traumatic. They undermine the foundations of trust and commitment necessary for a marriage to succeed. While every situation is different, one thing is the same: Reconciliation will not be possible without forgiveness.

But forgiveness does not mean we forget the offense. On the contrary, true forgiveness is only possible when, with the full depth of the offense before us, we choose to release the other person from restitution. It’s when we say, “What you did hurt me deeply. I have every right to make you pay, but because God has forgiven me, I choose to forgive you. No payment (or punishment) is necessary.”

If you’re in the process of rebuilding your marriage after a separation, you’ve likely already come to the point of forgiveness, which is wonderful. But don’t be surprised if you find yourself having to forgive again and again as secondary layers of pain come to the surface.

For example, you may have forgiven the affair but find yourself in tears one day over the realization of a lie used to cover it up. This is normal. Traumatic events can rarely be processed as a whole. You may feel pressure to “move on” and “let it go,” but don’t rush it. Issues not resolved now will only grow into fights later. Take the time you need to fully deal with the pain.

And while it’s true you will never “forget” what happened, if you allow God to touch every shadowy place, there will come a day when the memory is transformed from a source of pain to a reminder of God’s goodness. You will look back and remember how God was able to rebuild your marriage.

Trust has to be rebuilt, too

Trust is expensive, paid for with thousands of proven moments.

Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you immediately trust them again. After a separation, trust will take time to rebuild. If there was betrayal, infidelity, or any form of abusive behavior taking place, it will be even more difficult.

Will my spouse repeat these behaviors? Can I be honest with my struggles? What happens next time we get into a fight? 

Doubts are normal.

But no matter how deep the cracks are in your foundation, they can be repaired with a track record of honesty. If you say you’re going to be someplace at a certain time, be there at that time. If you promise to pick up milk on the way home from work, do it. Every promise kept, no matter how small, builds upon itself. So, let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no”  be “no” (See Matthew 5:37).

Over time, trust will return.

Don’t make the same mistakes

After reconciliation, there is intense pressure for things to go back to normal, but do you want to have a normal marriage or a great one?

To have a great marriage, you’ll need to do things that aren’t normal.

Openly talk about your expectations, discuss your fears, and negotiate responsibilities. Join a marriage small group at church, commit to an annual weekend getaway, and continue to meet with your counselor even after the fighting stops.

Make every effort to increase transparency with your spouse and put safeguards in place to protect your marriage from anything that could cause you to drift back toward isolation. Share phone passwords, locations, merge your bank accounts, deactivate social media accounts, or change your social circles.

Take whatever steps necessary to ensure you can’t make the same mistakes again.

Prayer is a vital tool for rebuilding a marriage

It has often been said, “a couple that prays together, stays together.” And it makes sense. It’s difficult for problems to escalate when couples are in the habit of humbling themselves before the foot of the cross and asking for forgiveness.

According to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, “the frequency with which couples engage in regular in-home worship activities (e.g., prayer, scriptural study) was also positive linked with relationship quality.”

Make time to regularly thank God for what He has done in your life and marriage. Ask Him to help you protect it and use your story for His glory.

If you would like to develop the habit of daily prayer, our Oneness Prayer Challenge can help.

Other couples need to hear your story

Often in the midst of our pain, we wonder, Why God? Why are you allowing me to suffer?

The pain that brought your marriage to the edge of divorce is probably something you would like to forget as quickly as possible. Your story’s filled with the worst, most embarrassing moments of your life – things you wish you’d never said and done.

God doesn’t waste our pain, but we do when we’re too scared to share it.

Find others who have gone through a similar struggle and help them. Start a Vertical Marriage group in your home or mentor a younger couple.

Satan likes to make us believe our situation is unique and no one will be able to relate, but that is simply not true. If God is rebuilding your marriage, don’t be afraid to let others know. The deeper the pain, the greater the potential impact we can have.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God“ (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

If you would like to learn more about how God can use your marriage story to help others, become a part of FamilyLife Local today.

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Little Rock, Arkansas, with their two children. You can learn more on their blog, YourEverAfter.org.

| After dating only five months, and finding out they were expecting, Tim and Kathy Bush got married. They admit they had more lows than highs over the first 27 years of marriage. When Tim’s brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, and his nephew committed suicide, Tim’s life began to spiral downward. It wasn’t until a friend encouraged him to read the Bible each night with Kathy, and to abstain from alcohol, that their marriage started to take an upward turn. Hear them tell how they went from being self-focused to experiencing a Christ-focused marriage.
Show Notes and Resources

Join the Vertical Marriage Facebook group with Dave and Ann Wilson at https://www.familylife.com/vertical-marriage-fb-group/
Art of Marriage, Stepping Up and Vertical Marriage studies are online at https://www.familylife.com/study.
Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=95.
Check out all that’s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/
Have the FamilyLife Today® podcast and resources helped you?  Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/legacy

“When we get back to 1-9-1-5 Martha Drive, we’re done. I’m leaving. We’re through.” My husband growled the unspeakable.

I felt shocked. Angry. Numb. The divorce announcement promising our marriage dissolving sparked fear inside of me.

It would’ve been easier if we could slam the door and walk away to cool down a bit. That way, I could decide if he meant it or not.

The only problem was we were parked on the side of I-40 somewhere in the middle of a 22-hour drive home. I sat crying in the backseat, trying to administer medicine to our 3-month-old who just had her second open-heart surgery five days before.

Not exactly the easiest place to express—or even believe in—our never-ending love for each other.

So I don’t know why the divorce announcement came as a surprise to me. Plenty of people had sufficiently warned us.

Even our daughter’s doctor encouraged us before her birth to consider the impact her health would have on our marriage, too.

“This is the thing marriages crumble under. This type of life: caring for a chronically-ill child. This type of stress: the surgeries, the hospitalizations, the never knowing if she’ll make it,” he said. “I see it every day. You certainly can stick it out. And I hope you do! That’s why I want you to be aware it’s about to get so much more complicated to make it.”

The odds we’d split up

To be fair, we were working against even more odds.

Some we knowingly entered marriage with: two sets of divorced homes. Demanding careers.

Some we inherited that summer: Surprise death of a parent. And now, a chronically-ill second child.

Any textbook prognosis would define our chance of a lifelong marriage as follows: “better sign a good prenup and stay Facebook friends with your high school sweetheart, just in case!”

But does telling people they probably won’t make it mean they’ll start believing they won’t make it? It’s almost like the perceived stats grant the permission to call it quits.

Nice try. We knew the divorce announcement would happen eventually. Better luck next time.

You’ll never stay together

American couples enter marriage with the idea they only have a 50% chance of making it. That divorce statistic has been drilled into our heads since the 1980s.

Why go all in on something that probably won’t work?

But Shaunti Feldhahn says in her book The Good News About Marriage that research proves 72% of all married people are still married to their first spouse.

Too often we sorely under-inform couples of the possibility of marital longevity. Did you know every marriage—even your marriage—has a chance of making it? Of riding out the worst days, when you, too, wonder if your spouse means that divorce threat?

That’s no matter the odds against you. Or the ones that bombarded your life all in one crazy, defeating summer.

What if we could make it?

When we arrived home from that defining road trip, we decided to see a marriage counselor. Our appointment was over lunch. We didn’t want to put too much time and effort into something that was on its way out.

But the lunch with the counselor reset our expectations. He and his wife had experienced significant hardship, too. They had lost a child. They weren’t supposed to make it either.

But guess what? They did. They’re still together. And he told us we could, too. It made us believe it a little bit. Just enough to try to prove which marriage prophecy was right: the divorce announcement or the hope of staying together.

To be honest, the day-to-day in our marriage is hard just like yours might be: messy floors, burnt dinners. And in our marriage, just like maybe in yours, we’ve encountered much bigger challenges than that.

Still, the day we said our vows we both actually hoped it would work. Just like you and your spouse did. Whether you believed you could make it or not, there was something inside each of you that dreamed of forever.

That’s not silly, Disney-movie leftovers from a traumatic childhood. That’s God’s good design for marriage working itself out in you.

In Genesis, God declared that Adam shouldn’t be alone (Genesis 2:18). So He created a gift for Adam in Eve. A partner suited exactly to him. They weren’t told they’d live happily ever after but were called to live faithfully committed to the promises they made.

5 ways we can both beat the odds

1. Focus on your commitment to each other …

• Over your peers. Don’t spend every Saturday golfing with the guys or shopping with your best friend.
• Over your kids. I’m all for co-sleeping for some good shuteye. But it’s a great idea to put the baby to bed in her own room and hop in bed with your hubby. I’m also all for some good marital enjoyment.
• Over your families. Yes, honor and respect your parents. But recognize your spouse is your top priority. The honey-do list at your own home can take a backseat for awhile to help out your aging mom or single sister, but make sure your spouse consistently gets the message, I choose us.

2. Take measures to grow together. Find an interest you’re willing to share and make time to share it. Run a marathon together. Join a book club and read the book aloud in your living room together. Find a charity you want to serve at together. Even a pocket of time here or there will cultivate commitment to each other. It will rightly force you to choose time with your spouse over time for yourself or with others who might seem more fun at times but are ultimately less important.

3. Seek counseling as needed. Visiting a therapist to talk things out together does not mean your marriage is in the dumps. It means you’re brave enough to say you don’t want it to go there. Instead of letting recurring arguments fester and settling for divorce announcements, ask for professional input to find workable solutions.

4. Go on regular dates. Regular would mean once a month-ish. Yes, babysitters are expensive. Schedules are busy. The kids cry when you leave. You’d rather take a nap. But it also feels great when your spouse is still committed to the time alone with you. The least you could do is return the favor by being an agreeable date-night participant.

5. Choose each other over your careers. At work, I feel smart, funny, important, well-liked, and recognized for my skills and effort. I don’t know if your home is like mine, but I wouldn’t really list those in the way I feel inside our house every day. No wonder it’s so easy for husbands and wives to feel fulfilled in a role outside the home. The only problem is that role in the workplace could really be done by someone else. Yep, you’re great at it, but absolutely replaceable.

No pressure, but that’s just not true at home. No one else can be the husband or wife to your spouse or the mom or dad to your kids. Prioritizing your home will always be a win. And the more time you spend there, you’ll find the more comfortable and significant you’ll feel there too.

We haven’t quit yet

Though we have threatened to on a few, rare occasions, we haven’t quit on our marriage yet.

We’ve endured more stressing odds against our martial union—our daughter’s health worsening, moving across the country away from our support system to get better care for our chronically-ill child, new house, new job, new school, new life. All alone with just each other.

It’s been difficult. It seems like we’re often arguing about … well, anything. We each deal with the stresses of our life in different ways.

Sometimes that feels overwhelming to me, and I want something dreamier. Softer. More romantic.

Then I realize we’re the couple there together in the post-op waiting room. Side by side. Praying God would heal our child just one more time.

We’re the couple rejoicing in normal, mundane days next to each other at teacher’s conferences and groaning over the same kids’ Chick-fil-A meltdowns.

We’re the couple who receive the same automated message from the pharmacy six times a month: “new prescription ready for pickup.” Packing kids’ lunches in the same kitchen. Cooking eggs, brewing coffee on the same outdated green counter tops. Sometimes in silent annoyance. Sometimes in cheerful companionship.

I guess in the end it hasn’t been as dreamy most days as I’d hoped it’d be.

Yet, we are the couple still living out our dream of love and life together. And I’m glad we’re still making good on those vows of commitment and faith promised, instead of the threats of the odds stacked against us.

Other healthy habits

Scientists agree that commitment is just one of five habits that directly correlates to marital health. Read about the other habits too.

• Spiritual Intimacy
• Communication and Conflict
• Self-Awareness
• Friendship

Copyright © 2019 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Tracy Lane is a writer for FamilyLife. She is the author of numerous articles, coauthor of Passport2Identity, and guest on multiple FamilyLife Today® broadcasts. Tracy and her husband, Matt, live in the Philadelphia suburbs with their two daughters. Follow her special needs motherhood journey at HeartForAnnie. Find her on instagram @HeartForAnnie.