“My version of marriage counseling is drinking Jack Daniels, shooting some guns, and hanging out.” Meghan McCain recently drew ire on social media for her exchange on “The View.” She talked with Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang about marriage counseling.

McCain brushed off criticism, explaining that different people deal with things in different ways. But domestic abuse survivors challenged her perspective and urged her to disavow her comments.

I think McCain was really just caught up in the pressure of a live show. She probably didn’t think much about her words before she spoke them. That, combined with the know-it-alls on Twitter, created the perfect storm of controversy.

But the whole matter opens up the opportunity to look at what marriage counseling is all about.

As a longtime licensed marriage and family therapist, I agree with those who believe the pairing of alcohol and guns is a fool’s errand. And one that can result in devastating consequences.

It’s important to iterate that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Because there are no perfect people. Even on our best days, we each have our struggles.

Every one of us misreads signals. We fail to verbalize our thoughts and feelings accurately. We misjudge our partner’s capacity to have an honest conversation. These things are normal in all human relationships.

But when those things become more and more common, the stress on the marriage relationship becomes increasingly difficult to manage. That’s when a lot of couples consider seeking help. Except they’re usually afraid of some common misconceptions.

So let’s set those straight.

Marriage counseling isn’t a waste of time.

Most people spend more time and money maintaining their vehicles than their marriages. How many marriages could benefit from a regular checkup?

Many couples wait until their relationship has gone completely off the rails to even begin seeking help. It’s the equivalent of continuing to drive your car until the four flat tires are rolling on the rims.

Many marriages are in this unfortunate shape by the time they consult a counselor. But even in the most difficult situations, I look for opportunities to inject hope while being realistic about the challenges ahead.

Marriage counseling isn’t just an opportunity to create a paper trail for divorce proceedings.

Well, for some couples this is clearly the case. That always makes me sad. But thankfully, that’s not how most people approach counseling.

I know very few counselors who get excited about testifying in divorce court. We are trained to help individuals and couples work through issues, not navigate legal minefields. As a result, most of us make pretty lousy witnesses.

Marriage counseling isn’t just a bunch of psychobabble for couples.

Media reinforces this cynical viewpoint time and time again. I cringe at the way TV shows portray therapists—all in an effort to get a good laugh from the viewing audience.

Counselors go to school for years and practice under a high level of supervision before they can be licensed by the state counseling boards. Sure, we tend to focus on emotions more than other professions, but that’s the nature of the work at hand.

Marriage counseling isn’t just one spouse’s attempt to control the other.

It’s true that one spouse is almost always more invested in counseling than the other. Sometimes one spouse gives the other an ultimatum – essentially ‘agree to counseling, or the relationship is over.’ Most often the need to control is more general. That is it’s common to multiple facets of the relationship. And simply a symptom of the emotional distress.

So what is marriage counseling all about? No two situations are exactly alike, but here are four general tasks all counselors engage to some extent.

Marriage counseling is about assessing the damage.

When a storm comes through town, things can get scary. The lights may go out. The wind might blow debris around. People may get hurt or killed. The damage may be minimal or quite extensive.

An early goal of marriage counseling is to help the couple assess their strengths and growth areas. Help evaluate trouble spots. Then we work through issues in a way that is healthy, respectful, and productive.

Whether the couple decides to push through the pain and fight for the relationship or go their separate ways is up to them to decide.

Competent counselors and therapists guide each spouse to express his or her own feelings in the emotionally safe confines of the counseling office. When I meet with couples, I like to get a good sense of the history of the relationship. How they met. The nature of the relationship before marriage. And the trouble spots and hot topics that are bringing them to seek professional help.

It is triage and crisis management.

Rarely is one person sufficient to manage a major crisis, whether a physical storm or an emotional one. Depending on the nature of the issues and their impact on each partner, referrals to a psychiatrist or other medical doctor may be warranted.

For example, it’s almost impossible for an individual to think clearly and communicate effectively while experiencing extreme anxiety or depression. Sometimes the ‘marriage work’ has to take a backseat to allow primary concerns to be appropriately addressed.

A team approach to crisis management allows for other helping professionals to speak into the situation. As an added benefit, the therapist’s own blind spots can be identified so that fuller progress can be made.

It is a place for rebuilding trust.

Trust is the foundation of all personal relationships. That’s even more true for intimate relationships like marriage.

I’ve never worked with a couple that didn’t struggle at some level with issues related to trust and accountability. It just goes with the territory. If the marriage is under stress due to emotional or sexual infidelity of one or both partners, then identifying the contributing factors becomes crucial.

Rebuilding trust is one of the most difficult and time-consuming processes a couple can experience. That’s because consistency across time and situations establishes trust. There are no shortcuts.

And in a day and age when it’s possible to hide secretive communication in all kinds of high-tech places, the battle is overwhelmingly uphill. Even the counselor is constantly weighing the trustworthiness of the clients. It’s a frustrating fact.

Counseling is a means to charting a way forward.

When a tornado damages a home, the owners meet with various parties to determine what to do. Contractors may be able to repair the damage, but sometimes insurance adjusters recommend starting completely over.

These are the kinds of decision points that couples in crisis invariably reach. Good therapists help couples see all the possibilities. Then the couple can make decisions that are consistent with their values, beliefs, commitment level, and mental, emotional, and spiritual resources.

I always remind my clients that marriage is a journey, not a destination. My wife and I have weathered our fair share of storms over 20+ years together. It hasn’t always been sunshine and rainbows. But it has always been worth it.

From my own vantage point, marriage counseling is not about restoring the relationship. After all, what the couple had wasn’t really working all that well in most cases. Rather, marriage counseling is about rebuilding and creating something new, even better than what they had before.

When it’s time to seek help …

If you are struggling in your own marriage relationship, it might be time to seek help.  I’d urge you to begin intentionally investing in your relationship.

Sure, do the date nights together. But more than that, take advantage of marriage enrichment classes, seminars, books, and getaways. FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember^® is an experience thousands of couples—including my wife and me—have found extremely rewarding.

If it’s time for marital counseling, I encourage you  to research multiple options for counseling before settling on one. One of the most significant indicators of potential progress is the relationship between the couple and their therapist.

It’s important the couple sees that person not just as someone who is trained and educated, but also as someone who truly cares about them and their family. The connection cannot be overstated. Find someone who shares your values and beliefs about marriage, and who will be open and honest with you. No matter how difficult the truth is to hear.

I’m in this with you. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

________________________________________________________________________________

Copyright © 2019 Garrick D. Conner. All rights reserved.

Garrick D. Conner is a licensed professional counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist, ordained minister, and freelance writer. He serves as discipleship pastor at Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock, Arkansas. You can read more from him at garrickdconner.com. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

At some point in your life, you will likely face some type of crisis in your marriage or family.  Below are four biblical reminders for when you face serious family problems.

1. Trust God.

Do you believe God cares? Will you trust Him to meet your needs and heal your wounds? Do you really believe the Son of God loves you and died for your sins, was buried and rose from the dead (1 Corinthians 15:1-4)? Then remember what you believe when you are in the midst of conflicts, pain, and difficulties in your marriage or family.

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. –Galatians 2:20

 …casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. –1 Peter 5:7

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. –Hebrews 11:6

2. Look to the Bible.

As you look to God in faith through the Scriptures, you will gain strength and wisdom.

God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able [to bear]. –1 Corithians 10:13

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. –Psalm 46:1

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. –Romans 8:28

3. Pray.

Ask God for wisdom to make the right decisions as you seek a Christian counselor. God promises to give you wisdom if you ask for it in faith. Trust God to direct your steps to the right counselor.

Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established. –Proverbs 16:3

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. –Philippians 4:6-9

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting. –James 1:5-6a

4. Understand the problem.

It is important to realize that every marriage or family problem involves at least two people: you and the other person. How might you have contributed to the problem? How might you need to change? What attitudes and actions need to be addressed? The more you understand the problem, and how to address it, the more you will be able to follow God’s blueprints for your marriage and family.

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. –Proverbs 24:3

© 2008 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Every marriage and family has problems, but sometimes those problems seem so difficult that it seems impossible to address them—at least with your knowledge and in your own power. In this article, we’d like to help you evaluate your issue to help you determine if professional counseling is needed.

There are actually several levels of problems in a home. And different options are available for each level. If you determine your relationship may need help, FamilyLife provides a list of national counseling organizations to assist you.

Level One: Basic issues or problems

Are you facing issues in your family that stem from things like selfishness, pride, or a lack of knowledge about how to make a marriage relationship work or how to raise your children? Here are some examples:

This is not a complete list, just examples of some basic issues. If problems like these describe your situation, then you can begin right now seeking answers. One of the first places you should consider seeking help is your pastor or elder in your church. Often, these leaders are familiar with books, audio or video resources, or knowledge of conferences that can meet your needs. We believe that God wants to use the leaders of your local church to meet the needs of those under their watch-care. Check with them first.

You also may have friends or neighbors who have read or used various resources to learn how to deal with many basic issues. Don’t forget to check with your friends or an older couple in your church who have successfully raised children or been married for decades.

This website offers thousands of resources—audio from radio, articles on most marriage and family problems, and resources you can purchase. If you need some ideas, basic insights, specific suggestions, and personal stories that can help and encourage you. Use the navigation bar above to click on an area of need or interest.

We particularly recommend FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember^® marriage conference. This is a fun and informative weekend where married couples can learn biblical principles for building a solid marriage, and it has been instrumental in changing the lives of hundreds of thousands of couples.

Remember that family problems are the norm, not the exception. Don’t get frustrated because your children are not listening and obeying you; or your husband or wife does not seem to understand you. It happens to every couple or family at some point. Be encouraged, too, that you are seeking help or answers to these issues before they get out of control.

Level Two: More serious problems

Do you feel that your problems go beyond basic issues but are not yet out of control? For example:

• The communication breakdown between you and your spouse is acute.
• Not sure that the two of you are still in love.
• Other things seem more important to one or both of you than your marriage or family—jobs, hobbies, etc.
• One of you handles most of the discipline of children.
• A teenager is becoming more and more difficult to manage.
• Frustration is a prevailing emotion over issues in your family life.

If these examples cause you to say, “Yes, that is exactly what I have been thinking;” then shout! There is a lot of help for you.One of the first things to consider is one of the many conferences that are available to give you answers and even the tools or plan to change your marriage or home.

Again, the Weekend to Remember^® can be a tremendous help to many couples. When you attend one of these conferences, you will also be introduced to and get to see many of the best resources FamilyLife has to offer. Many times a conference can open communication or reveal problem areas in a relationship in a non-threatening environment.

Level Three: Desperation

What if you are at your wits end and you don’t think your marriage or family can survive unless something drastic happens. You feel a sense of desperation that things will never change in your marriage or family. You may truly need professional counseling. Are your issues like these:

• All or most of the communication between you and your spouse ends in anger or hurt feelings
• Physical intimacy is non-existent or nearly so
• The routine of life keeps you going, not being fulfilled or full of joy
• One or both of you think about separation or divorce
• A child is in full rebellion
• Issues of sex, drugs, or alcohol touch your teen’s life
• You feel like a single parent even though you are still married

These and other serious issues indicate that problems are chronic. The issue(s) may have been growing in your family for months or years. You feel as though the problem is your constant companion. At times, you think the situation is hopeless.

If you are a believer, then you should never be without hope—our hope rests in Jesus Christ who is alive and interceding for us. However, even a believer can be overwhelmed for a time by the circumstances of life. One of the best things you can do right now is find 3 or 4 men or women (match your gender) who will pray with and for you as you seek God’s guidance and seek counseling. This will help bring peace and hope back to your heart and soul.

A Christian counselor is trained and committed to helping people like you that honestly don’t know where to begin or how to proceed to see life return to normal.

Level Four: Crisis

If you have already filed for separation or divorce, and one or both of you has completely given up on the marriage. We consider this a crisis, and you need to contact someone immediately. Also, talk to your pastor or elder; find a resource that can begin to reshape your perspective; find some close friends, spiritually mature, to pray with and for you; and actively pursue counseling, conflict coaching, or mediation. You may want to include a Weekend to Remember^® in your search for change and help.

Use any of these factors to move you to seek counseling quickly:

• Separation or divorce is in process
• An affair is active or recently ended
• Pornography has a hold in your life or spouse’s life
• A teen talks of suicide
• You have lost control of your teen
• You are sure your teen is abusing drugs and/or alcohol

Again, begin with your pastor or elder and ask them for a referral to a counselor.

As you reach out for help, don’t forget to ask your pastor, elder, and close friends to pray for you and your family. This is a crucial time in your life and facing crises often demands hope. We believe that true hope comes from an understanding that God is in control. If you are not sure that you can trust God, you may need to begin a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. For more information on knowing Christ personally, visit this article.

© 2019 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

For many people, just making the decision on whether to seek counseling for marriage and family issues is difficult. Once you’ve decided (see “Do You Need Counseling?”), the next difficulty is finding a qualified counselor who can help you.

While FamilyLife is unable to provide counseling, we want to encourage you in your pursuit of a qualified, godly counselor who can help you in your journey to resolve marriage and family problems. We believe it is strength, not weakness, to acknowledge the need for help. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”

Important qualifications in a biblical counselor

Look for someone who:

• can provide evidence of solid biblical and counseling training and experience;
• loves people, perseveres through tough times, and is confident that Jesus works in His people;
• believes that the Bible, God’s Word, is sufficient for providing wisdom and direction for dealing with life’s issues (2 Peter 1:2-4; Hebrews 4:12; 2 Timothy 3:16-17); and
• gives clear evidence of a personal, passionate relationship with Jesus Christ.

Steps to take

1. Ask God for wisdom to make the right decisions as you seek a biblical counselor. God promises to give you wisdom if you ask in faith (James 1:5-8). As you step out in faith, He will direct your steps to the right counselor (see also Psalm 23, Proverbs 16:3 and Philippians 4:6-9).
2. Seek counsel from your church. The Bible teaches that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22, 24:6). If you belong to a church, it is important to seek the counsel of your pastor (Hebrews 13:17), and other church leaders.

God has placed your pastor or elder in the local church to give direction and care for the body of Christ, the members of the local church. Your pastor or elder might be able to offer some biblical direction or resources that can meet your needs or help you with the problem you face. One or more of the elders of your church might also be trained in counseling. At the very least, your pastor needs to know the scope of your problem so that he can pray consistently for you and your family.

The pastor is also the first resource to ask about finding a Christian counselor. He cares for you; He is responsible to God; He probably knows individuals in the area or state that can serve you well and with integrity.

You might begin talking to mature or trusted believers as well. They may have already spent time with a Christian counselor. If the counselor was able to minister to your friend, then he or she may be worth your prayerful consideration.

If your pastor or church is unable to provide you with the name(s) of good Christian counselors, FamilyLife provides a list of national counseling organizations to assist you.

If you do not belong to a church, seek the counsel of godly, Bible-believing Christians. They may also have recommendations of godly pastors who can help you. And consider this: One reason many people face problems in their families is because they lack the right biblical information, encouragement, and modeling to help them succeed. Being involved in a local church may be one of the most important steps you take toward resolving the issues you face.

1. Seek outside counsel, if necessary. In some cases, wise, biblically-sound counsel might not be found in the current leadership of a church. Or, if you do not belong to a church, you may be looking for biblical counsel outside the context of a local body of believers. Look for a qualified and experienced biblical counselor who can help you. For more information, consult our list of national counseling organizations.
2. Consider whether you need to start with conflict coaching. A competent biblical counselor will help you gain a clear understanding of the biblical and heart issues involved in your problem. In some cases, however, there is such a breakdown in communication between different individuals that no constructive discussion can take place; couples may be so focused on attacking each other, for example, that they won’t listen to constructive counseling about what caused the hurt.

If this is your situation, you may need to find a trained conflict counselor—a Christian mediator—to help you resolve conflict so that you can move toward counseling. The mediation process often reestablishes communication so that a couple can go on to seek counseling for the deep issues or problems that trouble their marriage.  Check here for more on conflict coaching..

Issues to consider

1. Your faith. Personal faith is essential to the process of growth in and through trials. Even amid intense suffering and pain, God is willing and able to help you. Look to His Word. It says that God will not allow us to be tempted or tested beyond what we are able to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13); that He will be our strength and our place of refuge whenever we need Him (Psalm 46:1-3); and that He promises Christians that all things, even the most difficult, will work for good (Romans 8:28). As you look to the Lord through the Scriptures, He will give you strength and wisdom to make wise decisions.

• Your understanding of the problem. The more you understand the problem and how to address it, the more you will be able to promote growth in your marriage and family. Of particular importance is your willingness to admit and confront your contributions to the issue you are facing.

In addition to the Bible, there are biblically based resources that offer encouragement and instruction. FamilyLife suggests the following materials:

• How Can I Change? by C.J. Mahaney and Robin Boisvert.
• Resources for Changing Lives, a series of booklets published by the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF) on issues like anger, pornography, depression, A.D.D., suffering, domestic abuse, etc.
• The Christian Counseling Education Foundation (CCEF) resource, Changing Hearts, Changing Lives (video or audio).

These resources will help you understand that God’s goodness and sovereignty are involved in allowing pain and suffering in a Christian’s life. They will also help promote healing and growth in the grace and knowledge of God in Jesus Christ.

Questions to ask a prospective counselor

It’s important to make an informed decision about each counselor you consider. If possible, ask these questions on the phone before any appointment, or discuss them during your first meeting. The kind of counselor you will want—one who is humble and committed to the Scripture—should have no problem helping you in this way.

Then talk to your pastor, elder, or a wise Christian friend about your conversation with the counselor and his or her answers with a view to God’s Word. Don’t forget to continue to pray for God’s wisdom to make the right choice.

Ask your prospective counselor:

1. What is your approach to understanding people’s problems and helping them grow and change through counseling? Please describe this process.
2. What are some books or other resources that you recommend regularly or that have most influenced you in your approach to counseling?
3. Are you a Christian? How does your faith affect your view and practice of counseling?
4. Do you bring Christian truth into your counseling practice? How? What role does Scripture play?
5. Do you pray with those you counsel?
6. Do you go to church? If so, where and how long have you been a member?
7. What is your educational and professional background? What role does it play?
8. Are you married? Do you have children? Have you ever been divorced? How does your marriage and family situation affect how you counsel people?

Remember…

Counseling is an interactive process. It is built, established, and maintained on trust. Open and honest dialogue between a counselor and a counselee is the most important component of building trust. If you cannot establish this foundation of trust early on—if you are not confident that the counselor will be wise, biblical, loving, and faithful in your interaction—you may need to look elsewhere.

On the other hand, if you find a wise counselor who uses God’s Word to help you grow in your Christian walk, in your marriage, and in your family, Scripture says you will be blessed! As Proverbs 3:13 tells us, “How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.”

© 2019 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

The mission of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (ICC) is to boldly proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ by supporting peacemaking communities in resolving legal and personal conflicts and reconciling relationships in a biblically faithful manner.  The ICC, maintains a list of trained and certified conflict coaches.

To view their list of certified coaches, click here.

For more information about their guiding philosophy, view their Peacemaker’s Pledge.

If you contact one of the conflict coaches, please let them know that you found the information at FamilyLife.com.

Copyright © 2013 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Many factors can influence a counselor’s rates, including location, reputation, and the number of counselors in the area all can influence the cost.  The counselor or organization should be very open to present this information when you ask.

© 2008 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Begin a study on prayer to help you gain a focus on the Lord. Ask your pastor to pray for and with you. Seek three or four friends to meet with you to pray once a week. Use the time wisely; do not spend most of the time talking about the problem and use only a few minutes for prayer. Spend a few minutes sharing some specific prayer needs and then use the majority of the time for prayer.

As this group comes together, ask the Lord to direct you to one person that would be your prayer partner. The goal for this person and you is accessibility. If you need to talk to someone or hear someone pray with and for you, you can call this partner. This focus on God and prayer will encourage you and bring hope and peace in your life. You might want to pray specifically that God will bring someone into your spouse’s life that he or she will hear. Also, ask God to open their heart to attend a Weekend to Remember^® marriage conference, visit with the pastor, or meet with a counselor.

Another thing that is important right now is Bible study. Look for and get involved in a men’s or women’s Bible study. While you are trusting God to change your spouses heart, you need to focus on your relationship with the Lord. He is your ultimate supply for all your needs. Your spouse can never meet all your deep needs, but God through Christ Jesus can. Learn to share your heart with your Lord. Give Him all your hurts, confusion, and trust.

© 2008 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Biblical counseling is an approach to counseling that uses the Bible to address the issues in the lives of individuals, couples, and families. The Bible teaches that our thoughts, motives, attitudes, words, and actions flow from the sinful selfishness of our hearts. Biblical counseling addresses the heart. using the wisdom and approaches revealed in the Bible.

Biblical counseling is practical and effective. It does not view people as simply spiritual beings with spiritual problems. Instead the biblical counselor sees the individual as a physical, emotional, cognitive, and relational being. One focus of biblical counseling is to help others develop a biblical worldview of their life and recognize the core truth that guides right thinking and actions. The goal of biblical counseling is spiritual maturity.

Biblical counseling also values the rule of the local church in the process of one’s change of heart. Heart change brings about life change, but this occurs most effectively in an authentic Christian community, the local church.

True change is the result of the Holy Spirit working in one’s heart. This work often includes intervention by other people such as a pastor, a mentor, or a counselor. The biblical counselor helps people identify their problems in biblical terms that may involve a renaming of the problem, such as, alcoholism versus drunkenness. This helps change the individual’s view of the problem. This process is filled with grace and is ultimately redemptive. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the foundation for the work of biblical counseling.

© 2008 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Always remember that God is the one that changes the heart. A counselor is simply an instrument in God’s hand. The counselor may identify:

• Secret fears
• Activities your teen has kept from you
• Doubts
• Problems your teen is having at school
• Emotional problems
• Self-image or body image issues
• Issues that your teen may have with you that have not been shared.

When you have the knowledge of the problem your teenager is having, you are in a position to seek a solution. The counselor may well be able to bring you as a parent and your teen to the table to begin a new level of communication. The counselor may also suggest specific steps you can take as a parent to begin meeting the needs of your teen or how to encourage and support your teen.

As you work through the issues, begin educating yourself as a parent. FamilyLife has hundreds of articles and resources that can help you learn more about your teen and how to meet their needs. Some of the resources will point you to building a more vital relationship with the Lord. If there is ever a time and reason to turn to the Lord for your personal growth, it is now.

© 2008 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.