Life is hectic–and finding time for intimacy feels impossible. How can we keep our connection strong amidst all the crazy? David and Meg Robbins find out how to manage overwhelming busyness, offering tangible approaches to build stronger intimacy. David and Meg are contributors to FamilyLife’s all-new Art of Marriage group study! To learn more or order your copy, visit artofmarriage.com.

Show Notes and Resources

Want to hear more episodes by David & Meg, listen here! 
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper about Busyness in our FamilyLife episode, Breaking Free From Busyness.
The all-new Art of Marriage six-session video series for groups features expert teaching, devotionals, spoken word poetry, animation, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design.
Donate to FamilyLife Today!
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife’s podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network
 

Ever wonder if your spouse is hiding something? Dave Wilson and Brian Goins host Ed Uszynski, and Darrin Mabuni to discuss why the dark parts of your marriage need the light. They share key ways to make your connection stronger, and foster transparency and trust. Brian, Ed, Darrin, and host Dave Wilson are contributors to FamilyLife’s all-new Art of Marriage group study! To learn more or order your copy, visit artofmarriage.com.
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Brian Goins at his website, brainheartworld.org aimed at helping change the conversation about pornography in our country and check out his book Playing Hurt: A Guy’s Strategy for a Winning Marriage.
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper about Porn Addiction in our FamilyLife episode, How Our Marriage Survived.
Want to hear more episodes by Brian Goins, listen here!
Explore a list of marriage resources and discover valuable Ministry insights at Right Now Media!
The all-new Art of Marriage six-session video series for groups features expert teaching, devotionals, spoken word poetry, animation, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design.
Donate to FamilyLife Today!
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife’s podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Why is prayer important? Because prayer is a battlefield. Brian Goins, Ed Uszynski, and Darrin Mabuni discuss the roles of praying as a husband and how prayer can be intimidating for men. Discover mind-blowing ways to make prayer a superpower in your marriage and everyday life. Brian, Ed, Darrin, and host Dave Wilson are contributors to FamilyLife’s all-new Art of Marriage group study! To learn more or order your copy, visit artofmarriage.com.
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Brian Goins at his website, brainheartworld.org aimed at helping change the conversation about pornography in our country and check out his book Playing Hurt: A Guy’s Strategy for a Winning Marriage.
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper about Porn Addiction in our FamilyLife episode, How Our Marriage Survived.
Want to hear more episodes by Brian Goins, listen here!
Explore a list of marriage resources and discover valuable Ministry insights at Right Now Media!
The all-new Art of Marriage six-session video series for groups features expert teaching, devotionals, spoken word poetry, animation, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God’s design.
Donate to FamilyLife Today!
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife’s podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Ever found yourself smack dab in the middle of a frustrating moment with your spouse, wondering, Do I have a healthy marriage? 

You’re not alone. We’ve all felt that way at some point. Wait ‘til you read a few lines down about how baking flour (of all things) caused major frustration between my wife and me.

On the other hand, just this past year, a buddy and I were sharing how beautiful life is with our wives. I mean, it’s awesome! But we both would also agree marriage is like an exciting roller coaster. It’s the best ride we’ve ever been on, but when we feel like we’re hanging upside down and gripping our seatbelt for dear life, we wonder … Is this normal? Is this healthy? 

Does a “healthy marriage” even exist?

What’s normal in a healthy marriage?

During our first year of marriage, Olivia and I lived in an old Kentucky house with classic creaky floors. No matter where you stepped, it was a gamble if the floor would sound back at you. But we liked that house. We loved being together in it even more. 

The first year of our marriage had a similar vibe to those creaky floors. It seemed like every other marital step we took was a gamble on whether or not we’d get frustrated with one another, sounding off in an argument. 

Olivia and I laugh about it now, but I remember one day I opened the fridge and saw a bag of newly purchased flour. I thought, That doesn’t go there. One of us must’ve been busy or sidetracked. I took it out and put it in the pantry where I thought it rightfully belonged. 

I rushed to share what I thought would be a funny moment with Olivia. But to my surprise, she mentioned she put it in the fridge on purpose. Immaturely, I thought, Why on earth would you do that? Flour doesn’t go in the fridge. I’ve never seen it done that way. But all I said was, “Hmph.” That, and my confused and slightly corrective face, said enough to make Olivia feel belittled and get our marriage floor squeaking in disagreement. 

A conversation about flour quickly morphed into how we’d been raised differently and how we felt at odds on various household responsibilities from dinner to our dogs. That escalated to my way versus her way, spiraling into reports of other frustrations we’d recently gone through. 

At that point, it was no longer about flour. It was a showdown of competing perspectives. 

This kind of thing happens quite a bit, not only for us, but for many marriages. Many couples we’d hang out with while engaged would say, “Yeah, our first year was so hard … we got into so many arguments. In fact, we still do.”

Whether it’s the first year, the fifth year, or the 15th year, no one is immune to frustrations in marriage. Unfortunately, when the frustrations add up, it’s normal to feel like we’re drifting apart from our spouses.  

But what if God doesn’t want it to be normal? Difficulties weren’t part of His original design. But now, because of sin, conflict is inevitable (see Genesis 3).

And I’ve got to admit, when Olivia and I found ourselves in arguments about flour, we were definitely wondering if stuff like this was normal. In a healthy marriage, does a couple get frustrated over things like flour?

What is normal?

I gotta go straight to the dictionary to share what Webster says about the word normal:

Normal is characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine (see Webster’s dictionary).

When I think of something being normal, I think of whatever is usual. What is the thing that always happens?

For example, it seems like I’m always losing a sock to our washer or dryer. That’s what usually happens. So in that case, I’d say losing a sock while doing laundry is normal. But, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. That doesn’t mean losing my sock while doing the laundry is the goal. The goal of doing my laundry is for my laundry to get clean. 

In much the same way, it’s common for couples to find themselves bickering, having major conflict, and drifting apart in our world today. It’s been an inherited normal for every marriage since the first marriage (Adam and Eve) turned away from God. Even so, we can’t say drifting apart from our spouse is the goal we had in mind when we got married. 

Whether its arguments over roles, chores, or even flour, what we consider normal for marriage may look differently depending on how we see marriages around us functioning. 

Although the drift that occurs between spouses is a common and “normal” experience, it doesn’t mean that’s the goal for a healthy marriage. 

Check out what Webster said about the word health:

Health is the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit.

At my recent doctor’s visit, all my doctor really wanted to know was if all parts of my body were functioning like they were meant to function. That’s what determines the state of my health. 

Consider the same concept as it pertains to marriage. Are all the parts of your marriage functioning like they were intended to function? That’s what determines the state of our marriage health.

So, what is a healthy marriage?

Considering the definition of health I shared, we’ve got to figure out how marriage was intended to function. 

To do that, you and I have to go to the One that designed the structure of marriage. After looking at God’s framework for marriage and how He intended it to function, then we can ask ourselves the big question: Do I have a healthy marriage?

When I look through the Bible on how God intended marriage to function, here are a few of the Scriptures I keep in my mental pocket: 

• Genesis 2:24 shows us the unity and commitment in marriage.
• Ephesians 5:22-27 highlight mutual respect and roles within marriage.
• 1 Corinthians 7:2 reminds me how sacred sex is.
• Hebrews 13:4 underlines honoring your marriage.
• Proverbs 18:22 gives a glimpse into the godly value of my wife.
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 defines love.

I’ll be honest, reading these scriptures reminded me how I definitely fall short as a husband. And don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but I don’t always get it right. 

• I don’t always make decisions that align with loving Olivia like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).
• I’m not always patient like Jesus (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
• I don’t always walk in unity with her (Genesis 2:24).

These verses remind me that she and I are in the direct line of impact from each other’s imperfection. That’s what typically sparks the fire for many of us. And because we’re all imperfect, do marriages even have a chance at being healthy?

I think about it this way. Do healthy people exist? Sure they do. But, more often than not, they have health-care specialists in their lives who they regularly consult to maintain their well-being and address any potential issues that may arise.

Jesus is the health-care specialist for our marriage. 

Jesus has to lead for a healthy marriage

My doctor told me that if I wanted to meet some of my fitness goals, I had to look at sugar differently. I had to let him lead and see my diet from his perspective so I could eat in a way that would be beneficial for my health goals. 

With the goal of having a healthy marriage, Jesus is our marriage physician. He’s asking to lead us each day so we can see marriage differently—from His perspective—and live relationally with our spouses the way God designed.

Look, I’m listening to my doctor about the sugar. But I want to share a few ways Olivia and I are both deciding to listen to Jesus about our marriage moments. I just pulled a few, but there are so many more:

• Pray: Olivia and I try to remember to pray and verbally ask for God’s guidance through His Son Jesus when facing challenges and decisions (Proverbs 3:5-6). 
• Communicate: We’re reminded to speak to each other openly and honestly in compassion as we read in Ephesians 4:29.
• Find community: We’ve been thankful to find a new church home after recently moving. This is important because godly kindness, guidance, and support are things we all need to give and receive. (Proverbs 11:14; Hebrews 10:24-25)
• Love well: Olivia and I put 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 up on our wall as a reminder for us of what true love is so we actually remember to be patient and kind even when we get frustrated.

God designed marriage to be a reflection of Him, and the only way to be healthy is through the guidance Jesus provides. Just like we go to the dictionary to define terms, we need to go to the Bible to define marriage. As we seek God’s guidance for our marriage throughout the Bible, we can navigate the challenges and joys of married life in a healthy way. 

Olivia and I have had many wild ups and downs. But we’ve learned it’s not the absence of problems that define a healthy marriage, but how we handle them. When we let God be in control of our responses, we can throw our hands in the air and enjoy the ride.

Copyright © 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Ashford Sonii is a writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.

From the moment I met my husband, I knew he was the one. He stood out with his unique way of talking, infectious laugh, and a personality that gave me butterflies. Eight months after we first met, we were engaged. Five months after that, we said  “I do.” Little did we know, the marriage journey was going to be a challenging one. And yet, through each trial, we discovered the resilience to overcome and, more importantly, the ability to grow together.

For me, marrying my husband meant entering the military community. I quickly realized no amount of preparation could qualify me for a lifestyle like this. Before getting engaged, my husband and I discovered our future together would include an overseas assignment. I envisioned a life of exciting travels in a foreign country; I even started planning trips before we got stationed. But within the first month of marriage, the life I had fantasized about unfolded unexpectedly.

We experienced three unplanned relocations and uncertainty loomed over when the next possible move could occur. My mind raced with thoughts of future deployments, the potential distance between our future kids and their dad, and the emerging possibility of holidays without him. What had seemed like an exciting chapter of newlywed life became a period filled with anxiety, depression, and doubt.

Even without the military side, navigating the challenges married couples face can be overwhelming: a hectic work schedule, sick children, an emergency vet trip, etc. 

How to grow together: build a solid foundation

After attending FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember^® marriage getaway in San Antonio, my husband and I gained wisdom on how to nurture a deeper connection with each other. Attending a marriage conference filled with godly materials put us on the right track to cultivating a lasting marriage.

Here are some key points we learned on how to build a solid foundation in your marriage.

1. We’re not alone.

Entering a military breakout session, I soon realized that many of these couples had stories similar to ours. It reassured us that our situation wasn’t unique; there were couples that understood what we were going through and came out on the other side. Phew!

2. We live in a broken world.

God created our marriage for oneness, but we face external threats, including people choosing their own way over God’s purpose for human flourishing. We confront lies from the enemy, lies from our flesh, and lies from the world.

3. Our spouse isn’t our enemy!

I realized how I was unfairly putting my husband in the wrong when I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness and apologize. Our situation was out of our control, and I needed to free my husband from my attitude.

4. Women and men view sex differently.

Understanding that men are more physically driven and desire closeness after sex, while women are more emotionally driven and want to feel closer before sex, has allowed me to understand my spouse better.

5. Marriage is a mission.

In order to grow together, we need to spend time with others heading in the same direction. We also grow by guiding others in the right direction who need help.

Building a solid foundation for our marriage begins with trusting in Jesus first and allowing His Holy Spirit to guide us in the right direction. It doesn’t come from the flood of other people’s opinions or comparisons to friends on social media.

Applying what we’ve learned

A weekend spent reflecting on our relationship and setting goals for the future gave us the strength and motivation necessary to pursue a long-lasting marriage. Recognizing the need to work on our communication habits, we formed a plan for accountability with others. Attending a small group with other married couples has provided a platform to discuss marriage struggles, bringing us closer together, creating a space where we can be vulnerable and acknowledge we aren’t alone in our experiences.

As I write this, I chuckle at the realization that many of the arguments my husband and I have are similar to those experienced by others. He seeks facts and solutions, while I long to share my feelings and desire him to listen. Understanding our differing communication styles has allowed me to extend more grace during disagreements.

Understanding communication is a skill that develops over time, and we’ve made it a priority moving forward. I set a goal of holding back from defending myself after each argument and giving my husband permission to call me out if necessary. My husband is learning to empathize with my feelings and put himself in my shoes. When it’s difficult, he asks clarifying questions and may take some time alone to process.

Growing together may look different for you. It may be reading the Bible together every other day, getting aligned with finances, or even sharpening the skill of offering apologies more frequently. Genuine growth takes time and requires patience, dedication, and a steadfast commitment to grow together.

Nurturing a lasting connection

While our uncertainty about the future persists, a fresh perspective has emerged. We feel closer than we did at the beginning of our marriage, and our communication has strengthened. Each passing day deepens our understanding of one another.

With the unavoidable rush of life and the unexpected events of military life, we recognize marriage will only become more challenging with time. However, we firmly believe God has a beautiful plan for our oneness. Armed with the Word and a supportive community, we are determined to combat the threats of the world, the enemy, and our flesh.

I encourage you to remember you are not alone in the brokenness and hardships that marriage can bring. I pray for your heart to soften, enabling you to see the beauty marriage inherently holds and for God to heal the wounds within your soul. May you grow together, knowing your marriage is not too far gone.

Copyright © 2024 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Lindsea Castor is an author, content creator, military wife, and adventure seeker. Originally from Colorado, she currently resides in Texas with her husband. Lindsea is passionate about sharing the love of Jesus with women and refugees. One of her dreams is to pursue documentary filmmaking, with the hope of spreading the gospel across borders and reaching the unreached.

For those who know her best, Lindsea is a travel addict who is typically found outdoors in nature or in the cozy corners of a coffee shop. Catch more of her thoughts at Lindseacastor.com.