I wasn’t paying much attention to the background music until I noticed the lyrics. The singer was explaining to his son that he and his mother had “fallen out of love.” It was normal, the father said, something that just happens. Before the second stanza, tears began to stream down my face as I remembered hearing similar explanations as a child. If it is so easy to fall out of love, why can’t people fall back into it? How do you fall back in love when the feelings fade?

Love is known for its emotional intensity. If the emotional intensity is high and positive, we call it love; high and negative, we call it hate. With this understanding, it’s no wonder why counterfeits such as infatuation and lust masquerade as love. But while love is bathed in emotion,  it is not random and uncontrollable, like a hole in the floor we “fall into.”

At its core, love is an action and a decision. We don’t fall in or out of love. We either walk in love or walk away from it.

If you find the intensity of love fading, look at the direction you’re walking. Sometimes, the steps we take away from love are barely noticeable; other times, we run away at full speed. Either way, it is a choice.

How do you fall back in love?

Researcher Dr. John Gottman states, “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.”¹

If we learn to recognize these stages of marital decline, we can choose to walk in a different direction. Here are four ways to “walk” to fall back in love with your spouse.

1. Walk in love with your words.

We were going to be late again. I sat in the car, fuming, watching the garage door with intensity, willing my wife to appear. When she finally came out, a dozen criticisms flashed through my mind. Why does she always do this?

But, walking in love with our words means we “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).

I was mad, and I wanted to lash out with criticism. Instead, I bit my tongue and gave a normal, nonconfrontational response.

“Are you ready, Freddy?” I asked.

“Yeah. Sorry that took me so long,” she said through breaths that told me she had been running.

“I don’t know when we’re gonna have lunch today. I packed you some snacks so you don’t get a headache later. It took me forever to find my bag.”

Man, did I feel dumb. My critical attitude blinded me to the truth and almost made me miss the care she was trying to give me. 

2. Walk in love with your thoughts.

Criticisms usually start as attempts to help the relationship. We long for things to be better, so we complain and try to instigate improvement. But if we’re not careful, criticisms quickly morph into something far more sinister. Soon, instead of criticizing an action, we start to attack the person behind the action.

“You don’t care about me like I care about you. If you did, you’d be on time.”

Once we allow thoughts like that to take root, criticism morphs into contempt. Gottman calls contempt a “sense of superiority” over one’s spouse. It colors every interaction with disrespect and makes it difficult to see the good in your spouse.

If contempt has begun to take hold in your relationship, you need to work to combat the negative stories you tell yourself. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and look to uncover the positive reason for their behavior. Even if your spouse is wrong, chances are they do care and are not intentionally trying to hurt you.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).

3. Walk in love with your posture.

As you may have guessed by now, I like to get to places on time, which means arriving at least 10 minutes early. My wife, however, sees that as an inefficient use of time. She would much rather spend those extra 10 minutes knocking something off her never-ending task list.

The different ways my wife and I view time have been the source of many conflicts over the years. Unfortunately, when criticism goes on for too long, defensiveness sets in. 

This was evident one morning as I sat quietly at the kitchen table, scrolling through the news, while I waited for my wife to finish getting ready to leave. Something I read caused me to sigh, but my wife assumed my exasperation was directed at her for not moving faster.

Defensiveness clouds our vision. To protect ourselves, we assume the worst. We see conflicts where there are none and respond preemptively. The more deeply entrenched defensiveness becomes, the harder it is to see the good in our spouse. Eventually, we can’t even remember the happy times we once shared. When that happens, we may start to rewrite history.

“We fight every morning.”

“We’ve been married for 10 years, and they’ve all been miserable!”

“We were never in love.”

Before we know it, all we see is pain.

That morning, I realized what my constant criticism had done. It wasn’t enough for me to stop criticizing her; I had to ask forgiveness for the damage I caused. With genuine repentance and forgiveness, our postures can soften and our defenses lower.

“Put on then … compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you” (Colossians 3:12-13).

4. Walk in love by seeking help.

Couples dealing with severe defensiveness might try to forgive, but trust has been so badly broken they report an emotional numbness, as if they’ve secured their hearts behind stone walls.

These couples can walk in love again but must often take time to recharge themselves emotionally first. A good support system of friends and counselors can help you reconnect with God and have the energy to reengage with your spouse. Even something as simple as spending time on an enjoyable hobby can help you be more willing to try again.

Often, couples focus so closely on their spouse’s flaws that they forget their spouse was never designed to fulfill all their needs. Only God can do that. When we try to get from our spouse that which we can only get from God, we inevitably get disappointed.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV).

Fall back in love by rediscovering your friendship

Gottman’s research shows the most important factor in a couple’s ability to maintain loving feelings is the quality of their friendship. Unfortunately, for many couples, friendship is the first thing to be sacrificed on the altar of busyness.

If you want to learn to enjoy each other again, or simply never “fall out of love” in the first place, focus on your friendship. If you’re having trouble finding time together, drop out of some activities, give the kids a bedtime, or change your job. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you have time to enjoy each other as friends. Go on dates, find new hobbies together, garden, fish, or dance. Anything, as long as it’s fun for both of you.

Early in our marriage, my wife and I would spend the weekends exploring parks on our bikes. Two cross-country moves later, our bikes had become permanent dust collectors in our garage. When we finally dusted them off for a Saturday afternoon ride, we couldn’t understand why we had ever stopped. We had so much fun.

My wife and I still bicker over running late from time to time, but mostly, we just laugh about it. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what time we get to wherever we’re going as long as we’re walking (or riding) in love on the way.

1. Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.

Are there ways you’re shooting your own marriage in the foot? Author Ted Lowe knows 5 bad habits that could stealthily undercut all the closeness you crave–and 5 ways to stop them.
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Ted Lowe on his website, tedlowe.com and learn more about his company marriedpeople.org
Get Ted’s book, Us in Mind in our shop
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Author and professor Nancy Pearcey explores sociological data to uncover why it’s open season on masculinity—and the surprising role of Christian men.

It turns out the very concept that masculinity is toxic has much deeper roots than most of us realize. Most of us probably think about the ‘60s or something, with the feminist movement, second wave. No, no, no; you have to go all the way back to the Industrial Revolution.  — Nancy Pearcey

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Nancy Pearcey on her website: nancypearcey.com
and get a copy of Nancy’s book, The Toxic War on Masculinity
Go to familylife.com/comingsoon to sign up for the Art of Marriage live event and to be notified of when pre-orders are live!
Check out more episodes from Nancy Pearcey
Check out all of Brant’s podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

“Brace for impact” painted my face as our realtor called and delivered the good news—we were set to close on the sale of our house! I was happy, but I immediately imagined a box truck loaded with the logistics of our family moving, speeding in the direction of Olivia and me with our 7-month-old twin girls.

Packing, organizing, and moving our belongings felt overwhelming. Add in the emotional toll of saying goodbye to our community, adjusting to a new environment, and adapting to a different routine and it all seemed like a rush of stress and anxiety.

I knew moving would not be easy, and I was right. I thought it would mean no peace for the next couple of months, and I was wrong.

Tips we’ve learned from our family moving

Relocating our whole life to a different state was an ongoing process, but so was remembering to seek Christ during the challenges we’d face. Here are five tips we’ve learned through our family moving.

1. Invite Jesus to the moving party.

No matter the reason for your family moving, there are many potential obstacles to navigate. There were many opportunities for the enemy to scheme and get Olivia and me to lose our cool during our move: We felt exhausted daily from packing decisions. Not everyone liked us moving. And did I mention our twins were 7 months in the midst of this?

Setting aside a moment to be still and asking the Lord to lead our family in the move was pivotal for starting well, but also for grounding our perspective to His when challenges came.

• Pray and ask God to give you peace during moving challenges (John 14:27).
• Consider meditating on Philippians 4:6-7: “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
• Express your trust in Jesus as you seek Him first before each decision and before you start moving (Matthew 6:33).

2. Get a “moving checklist” that works for your family and schedule.

Remember that box truck of logistics I felt rushing in our direction? Well, a good checklist paired with Philippians 4:6-7 didn’t change the speed of time, but it gave us a calm feeling while planning for its impact. 

Moving got crazy and chaotic real quick. We needed to start changing mailing addresses, making endless calls and texts to communicate with loved ones, transferring medical records, and scheduling movers—my heart is racing just remembering it all. 

A checklist helped us stay focused and gave extra safety so we didn’t miss any important tasks as a family moving. It helped us break down the whole process into manageable steps, from sorting and packing to scheduling movers and notifying utilities. Plus, checking off items on the list gave us a sense of accomplishment and reduced stress. 

Trust me, having a checklist will save you from last-minute panics and make the whole moving process smoother. So grab a pen and paper, use a cool moving app, or pull a free one online, and with prayer as your first item, let that checklist be your ultimate moving buddy. Your family will thank you later. 

3. Have family meetings. 

Though our twins weren’t at the age of talking yet, having several family meetings during our season of moving was a game changer. It’s important to mention that these were extremely informal. If you’re picturing an organized couple talking through a to-do list with finely rowed boxes and quiet babies playing, you might be picturing a different couple. That wasn’t us. 

Our home felt a mess because we were transitioning. We had to accept that. But what we didn’t accept was for our family moving to cause a disconnection. Our meetings were used to walk through to-do lists on our phones, but it was also a time to connect emotionally and communicate. 

Sometimes a move is a lot for a heart, and the enemy can leverage common challenges to pull families apart (Ephesians 6:12). Instead, we leveraged the hard season as an opportunity to care for one another in Christ, which drew us closer together. 

Here’s a handful of questions we would ask each other with a gentle heart:

• Is there anything you’d like to add to our shared moving to-do list?
• What has been your favorite memory of living here?
• Is there something you wish we were doing better in the move?
• How can we help the next part of the transition be easier for the kids? (Or ask your kids directly.)
• What’s something you wish we did more of here?
• What can we do together as a couple (or family) to make this move less stressful and more enjoyable?
• What are your hopes and dreams for our new home and neighborhood?
• Can we pray together in gratitude and need?

Our twins were babies. But if your kids are old enough, consider engaging with them on these questions too. Growing up, it meant much to me to have my parents make me feel a part of the transition process. 

4. Receive help from your community.  

As we experienced during our wedding, friends and family come in clutch during any transition, especially moving. I never knew we were surrounded by loved ones who carried a commercial driver’s license with a trucking background until I expressed a need to move a truck during our relocation. More so, the number of people who advised us to pace ourselves during a move came in handy. 

It is popular to think those in our community can only provide physical assistance with packing, lifting, and moving stuff to save money. However, their emotional support can be a gift too. Whether lending an ear to listen to your concerns, offering encouragement, or simply being there to share a laugh, having your tribe by your side makes the whole experience less overwhelming.

So with wide open arms, embrace the support from your community, lean on them when needed, and let them be a source of strength and comfort during this transition.

5. Put the good in goodbye.

Saying goodbye to old friends and family when we moved was tough. Of course, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions, including sadness, nostalgia, and even hesitations about your family moving. 

Our little family shared countless memories, laughter, and tears with these loved ones, and leaving them behind was heart-wrenching. But we remembered change is a part of life. We were excited about our next phase of life, and as difficult as it may be, it also opens up new doors of opportunity and growth. Though new doors were opening, here are a few ways we walked away from old doors in love:

• When we could, we wrote “see-you-later cards,” expressing our gratitude to the relationships that meant much to us (individuals at our church, our neighbors, pediatricians, family, and friends).
• We considered throwing a get-together, but we’re heavier on the introverted side as a family. Instead, we had small dinners with a few families individually to spend intentional time with them before we moved. Some dinners were out at our house, some at theirs. 
• When we arrived at our new home, we grabbed some postcards of our new city and sent them out to let our loved ones know we had arrived safely. They loved them, and it served as a transitioning way to keep in contact. Now, we write letters!

Embrace it

Moving to a new place can easily be one of the most challenging situations a family can go through. At the time, our twins were 7 months old, and we’d never experienced moving before. Still, as we began embracing the adventure ahead, embracing the awkwardness of being in limbo, embracing the rough patches as opportunities to care more for one another, we began embracing joy in tough times, seeing more beauty in the plan God had for our journey. 

Experiencing our family moving became a lesson of embracing change, stepping out in faith, and embracing God.

Now we’re at a stage of making this new place we live feel like home, and it’s challenging too. But we’re grateful, because we’re remembering God is in control no matter where we move. He reminds us that He is here and everywhere. I can’t lie and say our family moving has been easy, but I’ve loved embracing God and witnessing Him come through beyond our comprehension. He’s the same God we’ll trust to lead us in finding a new church. 

Copyright © 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Ashford Sonii is a writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.

Author and professor Nancy Pearcey knows her personal, searing path toward war on men. But on a broader level, she began to ask, how did the idea arise that masculinity is dangerous? She uncovers why the script for masculinity turned toxic—and how Christianity reconciles the war between the sexes, renovating manhood for good.

There’s a sociologist who did a study, where he would ask young men, “What does it mean to be a good man?” They had no trouble answering that: “Integrity, honesty, sacrifice; to be a protector and be a provider; be generous,” and so on. Then, when he’d say, “But what does it mean to be a real man?” they would say, “Oh, no, no, no!—a real man; that’s completely different.” — Nancy Pearcey

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Nancy Pearcey on her website: nancypearcey.com
and get a copy of Nancy’s book, The Toxic War on Masculinity
Go to familylife.com/comingsoon to sign up for the Art of Marriage live event and to be notified of when pre-orders are live!
Check out more episodes from Nancy Pearcey
Check out all of Brant’s podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

In the wake of porn addiction, where you do turn? How do you rebuild trust after such intimate, searing betrayal? Authors Bob and Dannah Gresh share the pervasive realities of their own heartache—and their own rocky path toward healing.

Scripture warns us not to trust in other people. We’re only supposed to trust in the Name of the Lord our God. That’s who we trust. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him.” What this is saying is that I can trust God with what’s happening in my marriage, even when I can’t trust Bob. So, I’m going to put all my trust in God. — Dannah Gresh
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Bob and Dannah Gresh at dannahgresh.com/ or on Instagram @dannah_gresh
Buy Dannah’s book Happily Even After on our shop
Listen to Bob and Dannah’s podcast, “Happily Even After”, where they talk through the redemption and healing from addiction that they’ve experienced in their marriage.
Interested in connecting with a Christian counselor regarding an addiction. Use this resource to get started
Revitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories. Learn more at weekendtoremember.com
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper how to recover from addiction and move towards a healthier marriage on this FamilyLife Today podcast
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Bob and Dannah Gresh’s marriage has traveled dark roads of addiction. But they decided to participate in God’s redemption story. Together, they discovered something better than romance: a love that endures, and happily even after.
It’s so much easier to pretend everything is okay and to just keep going through the motions. That’s not okay. What that is, is us avoiding pain. Pain is not a problem. It is a gift from God. When you feel the pain, that’s God’s friendly messenger saying, “There’s something that together we can fix if you’re willing to be brave enough and feel the pain.” –Dannah Gresh
Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Bob and Dannah Gresh at dannahgresh.com/ or on Instagram @dannah_gresh
Buy Dannah’s book Happily Even After on our shop
Listen to Bob and Dannah’s podcast, “Happily Even After”, where they talk through the redemption and healing from addiction that they’ve experienced in their marriage.
Interested in connecting with a Christian counselor regarding an addiction. Use this resource to get started
Revitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories. Learn more at weekendtoremember.com
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper how to recover from addiction and move towards a healthier marriage on this FamilyLife Today podcast
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Want quality, long-lasting relationships with your kids? Bryan Carter, author of Made to Last, and his wife Stephanie share doable ideas for feeding spiritual growth and unshakable family ties.

“How do we raise our daughter? How do we raise our children well? How are they gifted? How are they wired?” So part of us discovering this strong-willed nature was figuring out how valuable it is, how the leadership gifts were there, how this would turn out later in life. So we had to figure out, “How do we cultivate each of these personalities in such a way that they feel loved, they feel valued?”

Show Notes and Resources

Connect with Bryan and Stephanie Carter and find out more about Bryan’s story at http://www.bryancarter.org/landing or on Instagram at @mrbryanlcarter and @mrsstephcarter
Revitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories. Learn more at weekendtoremember.com
Check out the Fearless Moms podcast mentioned in this episode
Intrigued by today’s episode? Think deeper on building resilient marriages, overcoming challenges, and faith-based relationship advice on this FamilyLife Today podcast 
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network