Got a date soon?…. Have you decided what you’re going to wear, who’s paying? So many things to consider. Shelby walks you through it with tips on communication, the single life, and sex! Don’t forget to grab Shelby’s book, “I Am A Tool: To Help with Your Dating Life,” for some extra tips on asking them out!”
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The best parts of engagement can be a little like exploring a beautiful tropical island. There’s potentially something intriguing or breathtaking or hilarious around any given corner.

To better comprehend the intricate inner workings of what makes your favorite person tick, a few games to play as a couple can challenge you to discover parts of your fiancé’s story that haven’t yet surfaced in all those 3 a.m. convos where talking felt way more exciting than sleeping.

These games make it easier to lean into the things that matter, the things that don’t, and the things that make you go “hmm.”      

5 games to play as a couple

1. Two truths and a lie.

In this classic game, each of you take turns presenting the other person with three statements about yourself in random order: two of them true, one of them a lie. Your fiance attempts to guess which statement is a lie. (Incidentally, we recommend this being the only time you lie to one another. Full stop.)

2. A Venn diagram of us.

Here’s one of those quick, back-of-a-napkin games to play as a couple while passing time together—say, waiting for your dish at a restaurant, feet-on-the-dashboard on a road trip, or in a waiting room for your premarital counseling.

Draw two large intersecting circles. One circle represents him; one circle represents her. The intersecting football-shaped space represents the ways the two of you overlap.

Maybe she’s into hiking and he’s into cooking, but you’re both into cars. Maybe you both love coffee, but she’s definitely a decaf girl, and he can drink any cup o’ joe as long as it’s black.

Or take it a level further, and consider a topic like your childhoods or families. Perhaps one of you never moved houses, and one of you moved constantly—but you both stayed in your home state. Or neither of you is close to your parents, but one of you is close to a sister, and the other to a grandfather.

This game is a simple way to begin exploring the subcultures of your backgrounds. Try out topics like holidays, elementary school experiences, your ethnic heritage. 

3. Amped-up Jenga.

On each of the blocks in that dusty game of Jenga in your closet, tape slips of paper with each one of the questions below. (You could simply print them, cut them in strips, and tape them on.) Then stack up Jenga as usual. When one of you withdraws a block, if there’s a question on it, that person needs to answer the question before placing it on top of the stack.

Questions:

• What’s one dream you have for our future?
• What’s been on your mind lately?
• What’s God been doing in you lately?
• What’s something you haven’t been able to get out of your head this week?
• Tell one meaningful thing someone said to you (not necessarily a compliment).
• What do you pray for most often?
• Have any recurring dreams at night? What are they about?
• What’s one way I could be in your corner right now?
• What quality in a person do you immediately find magnetic?
• What quality in a person do you immediately find off-putting?
• What’s one time in your life you felt close to God?
• When you’re at the end of your life, what would one indicator of “success” be?
• Describe yourself in five words. Go.
• Name three adjectives you sometimes wish you were but aren’t.
• Where, when, and with whom do you feel most at home?
• What’s one thing could I do, practically speaking, to be a true friend to you?
• What do you wish people could understand about you?
• What quality for you is hardest to understand when you see it in a person?
• What’s one activity that makes you feel alive?

4. A prop from my life.

On your next coffee date, each of you brings an object that represents something you want to tell your fiancé that they don’t know about you yet. Maybe it’s a photograph with a great story, a toy that participated in great adventures with you and a friend or sibling, or something that reminds you of home.       

If you’d prefer to make this a little more game-like, when you show the object to your fiancé, play the part of someone introducing the object on an infomercial: This doll may be missing one eyeball, but it’s because she’s seen a lot—not all of which she’s permitted to tell you until we’ve officially tied the knot. Comes with a lovely, stained, pink dress that doubled as a napkin for peanut-butter sandwiches… 

5. (In case it’s not obvious) The Newlywed Game.

No list of games to play as a couple would be complete without it. And spoiler: You don’t actually have to be a newlywed for this one. Pull out these questions for a date-in one night when you could use a few laughs and maybe a Whaaat?!

Directions for game play

1. Print two copies of the questions for each of you.
2. The female writes answers to Round 1 questions about herself first. The male answers the Round 1 questions about what he thinks she wrote.
3. The goal is to guess correctly what the other person would say—not what you think. For example, if the question is, “Between the two of you, who is messiest?”, the goal is not to be the least messy person, or to prove you’re right. The goal is to have written (closely enough) the answer the other person wrote.
4. Repeat the process with him answering Round 2 questions about himself, and his fiancée answering the same questions with what she thinks he wrote.
5. Having fun? Play it again, swapping roles for Rounds 1 & 2.  

Round 1 Questions

1. What is this person’s worst habit?
2. What is this person’s favorite indulgent snack?
3. You’re at a new-to-you restaurant. How does this person decide what to order?
4. What is this person’s shoe size?
5. What is this person’s favorite pizza topping?
6. Of the two of you, who has better handwriting?
7. What is this person’s favorite thing to do to relax?
8. Where would this person go on vacation?
9. Which item of clothing of theirs is the weirdest?
10. What is a top item on this person’s bucket list?
11. What might this person be doing when they feel close to God? 
12. What is one way this person best displays the image of God?

Round 2 Questions

1. What is this person’s pet peeve?
2. What is this person’s favorite TV show?
3. Between the two of you, who is more klutzy?
4. What is one thing you do that drives this person bananas?
5. What is this person’s favorite dessert?
6. Of the two of you, who has better taste in clothes?
7. What is one thing the two of you could not agree on?
8. In choosing a church, what does this person hope to find?
9. What is/was this person’s favorite subject in school?
10. After you’re married, who will make the bed?
11. Apart from your marriage and honeymoon, what’s something in the next year this person may get excited about?
12. What is this person’s first memory?

The stellar news? You’ll be making discoveries on that private island of yours for the rest of your life. And like these games to play as a couple, those ahas can pack a lot of laughter and rich memories.

Whatever you do?

Keep exploring.

Copyright © 2023 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity®, Art of Parenting®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.

You’re not the first one who can’t wait for the wedding in order to wash your hands of wedding planning.

And though movies can cast an image of dreamy engagements, it’s not necessarily a warning sign when there’s an uptick in conflict between the two of you. (And sometimes, that can even make you wonder if you’re making the right decision. Read “When To Call It Off Before the Big Day.”) When my husband and I were engaged, our honeymoon phase ended about three months before the actual honeymoon.

That is to say, engagement is admittedly not all cake-tasting and rose petals. Grab eight fun date-night ideas to stockpile great memories and haul away stress.   

Fun Date-Night Ideas: Start Here

1. DIY art night.

Purchase inexpensive canvases, brushes, acrylic paints, or other art supplies for your own painting night. Check Pinterest for simple project ideas that, yes, even your accountant fiancé can accomplish with some level of satisfaction.

Bonus: Mix mocktails to create your own painting-with-a-twist.

2. Cook up something new.

Maybe you’ve always wanted to try making your own veggie sushi, fondue, or pierogis after that foray into Ancestry.com. Maybe you’re just noodling on that recipe from the Food Network. Either way, from the shopping to the taste-testing, make an evening out of creativity that stimulates all five senses.

Bonus: As a thank-you, make dinner for a couple who’s invested in one or both of you.

3. Read a book out loud, punctuated by a slow dance.

Casual, no-phones cuddle time? Yes, please.

Whip up some of your favorite snacks, grab your favorite drinks, and take turns reading from a book you’re both reasonably excited about.

Then, pull your fiancé in for a slow dance. (Your phone = instant DJ.) Light a candle for extra atmosphere.

Bonus: The listener could treat the reader to a foot rub.

4. Embark on a photo scavenger hunt.

Google “couples scavenger hunt,” and take photos where your chosen list suggests.

Or try ideas like these:

• The place we met.
• A house that looks fun to live in.
• The most romantic spot we drive by every day.
• Kissing at some location we’ve never kissed before.
• Our favorite date-night restaurant.
• Each of us eating our favorite flavor of ice cream.
• Sharing a food.
• Each of us doing something the other thinks we’re great at.
• Climbing a tree.
• Playing on a playground.
• A spot with a great memory.
• A place or activity that expresses each of us.

Bonus: Share a snack at the end and flip through your photos. 

5. Shall we dance?

Especially if you’ve got the coordination of a herd of cats, not every couple will find dance lessons … relaxing. But for some of you, it’s nice to step away from picking invitations, flower arrangements, and venues—or your latest argument—to laugh, work up a sweat, and step on each other’s toes.

Not sure if dancing will be your jam? Find a low-commitment option for beginners and maybe even a kind of dancing you can show off with zero pressure at the reception. 

Bonus: Create a playlist for you to practice on your own.

6. Catch a falling star.

Using an app like MeteorActive or a website like TimeandDate.com, find out when you might glimpse the next meteor shower. Pack blankets and carafes of your favorite hot drinks to set the stage for a little cuddling and stargazing.

Bonus: Read Bible verses together that talk about stars, like Daniel 12:3, Psalm 19:1, or Psalm 136:3-9. Or bring a volume of poetry to read to each other.  

7. Sink into a forest bath with a picnic on the side.

Though omitted from your typical list of fun date-night ideas, forest bathing, or in the original Japanese, shinrin-yoku, means “absorbing the forest atmosphere.” (So there’s no actual bathing, m’kay?).

Kaiser Permanente reports, “Aside from city parks, the more in-depth practice of forest bathing has been found to lower blood pressure, heart rate, and levels of harmful hormones — like cortisol, which your body produces when it’s stressed. This can help put you in a more calm and relaxed state.”

They continue, “In addition, studies have found that simply spending 10 to 20 minutes a day outdoors can lead to increased well-being and happiness — and decreased amounts of stress.”

So pack a simple picnic and find a place to surround yourself in a place green and quiet. And together, inhale.

Bonus: Gather a cluster of flowers together as you walk.

8. Let the sparks fly at the fire pit.

Roast marshmallows, cook hot dogs or hobo meals, and watch the stars.   

Bonus: Before the sun sets, toss a football or play catch for awhile. Remember what it’s like to be playful together.

Engagement doesn’t have to equal migraines and stress sweat. With a little creativity and a few fun date-night ideas in your back pocket, it may be easier than you thought to remember all over again why you’re better together.

Copyright © 2023 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity®, Art of Parenting®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.

There’s a question we want you and your fiancé to soberly consider: “Are we going in the same spiritual direction?” In other words, are both of you authentic Christians who are pursuing God and spiritual maturity? 

What does it mean to be equally yoked?

Because marriage is a spiritual relationship, your spiritual compatibility will influence the quality of your relationship more than any other factor. Consider this passage from 2 Corinthians 6:14–15: 

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 

Most of us are only familiar with egg yolks, so this passage can sound pretty strange. A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals (typically oxen) and attached to a plow or cart that they pull as a team. 

According to Deuteronomy 22:10, God’s people weren’t allowed to yoke, say, a donkey and an ox, because if one animal was stronger than the other, one was often pulling the weight while the other couldn’t keep up. Plus the plow would cut through the ground erratically, and sometimes ineffectively, because the two animals were out of sync. It was an inhumane match of ability and disposition that didn’t lead to a team being happy and effective in their work together. 

The challenges of being unequally yoked

Tracking with this metaphor, if Jesus is at the center of your life, why would you want to be hitched to someone who has nothing in common with you spiritually? If you are “unequally yoked” in your marriage, sooner or later you’ll pull against each other, and that will lead to heartbreak, grief, and frustration. 

Second Corinthians 6:14–15 warns Christians about building their lives with someone who has clashing values and goals. Building relationships on God’s values, trust, and love is essential. 

Another warning is given in James: “Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4 NASB). 

Trust me, it can be hard enough to prevent our hearts from being lured into “loving the world” (being controlled by pride, greed, and divisiveness) even when your spouse is also pursuing God and encouraging you. God created marriage, and its maximum satisfaction can only be found when you both have a growing relationship with Him. 

When Christians marry non-Christians, they usually experience a growing, unique frustration after marriage because: 

• They are unable to discuss the most precious, intimate part of their life with their spouse. 
• They often have conflicting goals and expectations. 
• They may clash over the values they teach their kids. 
• They will likely have differing circles of friends. 
• They can have difficulty communicating and resolving conflict because of different core values in their lives. 

If one of you is a Christ follower and the other is not, you need to consider how deeply this will affect your marriage. It’s bigger than a hobby you wish your spouse enjoyed: Following Jesus imprints itself into every aspect of our lives. 

As much as you may love each other and envision a beautiful life together, if this is your situation, we’d like to gently suggest some thoughtful time on this very tough question: Should the two of you get married?

Commitment to spiritual growth 

“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15). 

You may both have decided to follow Christ, but if one of you is more focused on loving the world rather than loving God, you will experience many of the same conflicts as a Christian and non-Christian. Your goals and values will differ. Your lives are going in different directions, serving different bosses. 

If you are both growing in Christ, however, you’ll be able to experience a particular exhilaration and teamwork in your marriage. 

Growing together

“What is God’s will for my life?” Many people ask this very good question at various points in their lives. But an even better question would be, “How does my life fit into God’s will and what He’s already doing in the world?” 

The second question shifts the focus to the appropriate place—onto God instead of ourselves. It assumes that God is moving and working in the world, and that He’s most important. He is in charge, and whatever He calls us to do, we do, knowing that He will care for us along the way. 

Of course, it’s impossible to say how God will actually care for us along the way, since everyone’s life is different, but it’s safe to trust that He will. He’s already working and active in this world, and you and your fiancé will want to repeatedly consider, “How is our marriage fitting into God’s will, which is to ultimately bring God glory?” 

It’s critical that you as a couple pursue spiritual growth together alongside your individual growth. Personal growth with the Lord often looks like private time alone with God, reading Scripture, prayer, worship, etc. Spiritual maturity as a couple, however, is something that can be a bit more challenging because there are two people involved with two sets of ideas, preferences, struggles, and ways of processing growth. 

You’ll find, though, that growing together spiritually as a married couple is one of the most refreshing and rewarding experiences you can have. Deepening your relationship with the Lord alongside your best friend for years upon years is one of the most generous gifts God gives. 

Collective growth as a married couple can look different ways: studying a book of the Bible together, reading a Christian book together and discussing it, praying together, exercising hospitality, listening to or watching sermons together and then sharing your notes and thoughts, etc. There are so many ways a married couple can discover new heights of spiritual development alongside each other—they simply need to collectively commit to it, stay disciplined in the process, and ask the Spirit of God to create the growth in their lives together.

God Himself makes it possible

When it comes to our goals for consistent spiritual growth and development, we can lack the power to persevere. But with God all things are possible (Genesis 18:14; Matthew 19:26; Luke 1:37). 

As Christians, we trust God to work in us and bring life to the dead and weak areas of our lives. And even though buckling down and trying harder isn’t the answer, we do have a role in our spiritual growth. In the same way you can’t make sleep come at night, you can still lie there with the lights off—putting yourself in a good position for it to come. We cooperate with Him through obedience and trust. Understanding and living this out will change your life and your marriage. 

Adapted from Preparing for Marriage. Copyright © 2023 by Baker Publishing. All rights reserved.

David and Meg Robbins are passionate about helping people integrate faith and family and equipping them to make a difference in their local communities. David became the President of FamilyLife in 2017. The Robbins have served together in a variety of ministry roles through the years, working primarily with the rising generation in Western Europe, Atlanta, and New York City. David and Meg, married in 2001, currently live in Orlando, Florida, with their four children.

I remember sitting on the couch in my counselor’s office, asking in a fragile, shaky voice, “Who am I? Where is Brooke?”  

I had been married for two months, and I felt less like myself than ever before. 

The significant life change of becoming a wife left me feeling like I “should” be on cloud nine. That’s what I had seen on social media and around me. I wrestled with the thought, What is wrong with me if the only cloud I am on is anxiety and depression?

The first few days of marriage for Perry and me were confusing and difficult. Travel mishaps and resurfaced trauma left us with emotional whiplash.

But as we’ve now celebrated one year of marriage, I know God has been doing deep work in us as a couple with time, counseling, and trust-building. And He’s been doing deep work in me as I began discovering myself as a new wife and finding where Brooke was all along.

How do you discover yourself after marriage?

Are you asking yourself the same question … “Who am I now that I’m married?” This is a common question for both men and women. It doesn’t mean you are second-guessing yourself or the person you married. It is a natural result of a major life change for you both.

Here are four tips I have tried to implement this last year, to keep myself grounded emotionally and spiritually. My prayer is that they help you discover yourself as a wife.

1. Find your identity in Christ.

This should be the centerpiece of your life and your marriage. Often, when I am struggling to connect with myself, I turn to connect with Jesus. Why? Because the Bible shares countless stories of how God created me (Jeremiah 1:5), knows me fully (Psalm 139:1-6), and His Word provides wisdom and insight to who I am in Him (1 John 3:2).

2. (Re)Discover a hobby.

After I asked my counselor those questions, we slowly began uncovering what was beneath the surface, to find Brooke. To discover yourself after marriage requires intentionality because you may have gotten lost in the chaos of your wedding.

To find the things that used to bring me joy, I spent time journaling my hobbies from childhood to now and made note of the ones that still brought a smile to my face.

The more I journaled, the more I saw God reveal the passions He uniquely put in me—like playing guitar, running, visiting new coffee shops, photography, and graphic design. 

What hobbies do you have? God uniquely gave you passions that bring life into your bones and help connect you with who He made you to be.

To discover some of your hobbies, ask yourself these questions:

1. What did I love doing while growing up? (Chances are a hobby from childhood could transcend to adulthood.)
2. What is a way I decompress at the end of the day? (It could be reading, coloring, or puzzling.)
3. What brings me joy?

3. Create rhythms.

I am a routine-driven person, so I share this with the caveat that I don’t expect our rhythms to look the same. When we create rhythms with ourselves, God, and our spouses, we often feel more grounded and connected to all three. Rhythms give us a sense of safety and consistency. As you discover yourself after marriage, you may need to revisit old rhythms and/or start fresh with new ones.

An individual rhythm could be a morning or nighttime routine of making a cup of coffee or tea and sitting in your favorite chair to wake up/wind down. It could be making a habit of getting outside for 30 minutes every day to walk or jog.

A rhythm to connect you with God could look like a Bible plan or prayer journaling. Both can provide consistency to your day. You may be surprised by how God shows up and meets you in those spaces. 

And make sure to establish routines for you and your spouse, like setting aside time each day to do something together. It could be watching a show, going on a walk, or just reading books in the same space—something where you two can connect with a shared hobby.

4. Surround yourself with other believers.

We aren’t meant to do marriage alone. You cannot discover yourself in isolation. And we all have something valuable and healing that we can bring to a community (Romans 12:4-5).

Surrounding yourself with both married and single (of the same gender) friends can take some work. Whether you work in ministry and/or attend a local church, it may be helpful to see if there are small groups for young married couples. Serving at your local church is another avenue to meet new people. 

The more time you surround yourself with other believers—either one-on-one or in a small group—may lead you to see yourself more as God’s beloved child, beautifully and wonderfully made. 

Perry and I are in a small group with other young married couples, and it’s been a gift to relate to others in the same stage of marriage. At our church, I have also met so many generations of women who have poured into me with advice on friendships and marriage. Surrounding yourself with other followers of Christ allows God to reveal more of Himself to you.

The lifelong discovery

I thought asking the questions of, “Who am I? Where is Brooke?” would lead to a dark, lonely place, but God redeemed it. He used those questions to remind me of how He created me, full of passion and curiosity. 

If you are trying to discover yourself after marriage, welcome, you aren’t alone. Our lives on earth will be filled with learning more about ourselves, God, and our spouses.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Brooke Wilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife at Cru’s World Headquarters in Orlando. She is newly married to her husband, Perry, and they have a Chocolate Labrador named Willow. Originally from Syracuse, New York, Brooke moved to Florida to pursue writing and editing content full time. A few of her favorite things are photography, running, and sipping a warm chai latte across from a friend.

I used to picture premarital counseling as a category of wedding planning. You know, book the venue, schedule the officiant, check off your six weeks of premarital counseling. Which will, undoubtedly, be super easy. After all, you just got engaged, so things are great and there shouldn’t be too much to talk about, right? 

Not exactly. 

Once you’ve found the person you want to marry, there’s a tendency to focus all your energy on the actual wedding planning. Wedding planning prepares you for one of the most important days of your life. But premarital counseling prepares you for the rest of your life.

I think a lot of people underestimate the impact premarital counseling can have on a relationship. Some don’t believe they need it or that it will be helpful. For others, premarital counseling is a foreign concept. 

I hope this serves to highlight the growth and clarity premarital counseling can bring, along with answering any questions you may have about the process.

What is the purpose of premarital counseling?

Let me act now, and always in this relationship, in ways that would honor and affirm the tender investment of all who love this person. Let me build on that good foundation, that whatever the two of us create together would be a blessing to all who know us.
Douglas McKelvey, “A Liturgy for Dating or Courtship,” excerpted from Every Moment Holy

If dating is like a home-building process, then premarital counseling is the home inspection. Premarital counseling takes a look at your foundation (upbringing, family values, etc.) and the way you two “build” together (expressing affection, discussing problems, etc.). Your pastor or Christian counselor can help identify strengths and problem areas so you can be set up well for marriage. 

Rest assured, you do not have to identify and solve every problem or difference between the two of you. Instead, you’ll receive tools and tactics to resolve issues together and continue growing in your relationship.

Your counselor will work with you to cultivate effective communication and conflict-resolution skills, discuss your values, and develop strategies for addressing your differences. They’ll act as a mediator to help you understand and work with one another.

For example, a counselor or pastor may come back with “assignments” or suggestions for you to work through together or individually to get on the same page. If something already exists in your relationship that threatens your oneness as a married couple, your marriage counselor is there to help you find it. 

Premarital counseling helps us build well—whether our relationship has a solid base or if we need to do some renovating. And trust me, I know this process can feel intimidating.

How long does premarital counseling take, and what topics are covered?

It generally takes about six to eight weeks, but it depends on how in-depth the sessions are and if the couple would like more ongoing counseling.

While each counselor is different and will likely focus on some topics more than others, here are some common ones: values from your upbringing, personalities and communication styles, and expectations/plans for marriage (like sex, finances, and having kids). Not every counselor will address all of these, and some may have different topics in mind. Identify a couple of key topics or questions you want to make sure your counselor covers.

How can I prepare for premarital counseling?

Keep in mind you may find some conversations fun and others really hard. Be ready to discuss the tough questions, the I’ve-never-thought-about-that-before questions, and even the are-we-really-talking-to-our-pastor-about-sex questions. Don’t be afraid to dig deep, to gently challenge each other with questions, like, “What do you mean by that?” and “Why is that important to you?” 

And, please, do your homework. Pick somewhere fun to talk through things, like a park or coffee shop. You may also need some time to journal alone or process with a mentor or close friend.

I’ve heard it said that you get out of counseling what you put in. I believe that if you go to counseling because you want to build your marriage well, you will come away from sessions with new tools and ways to engage with one another. God will give you wisdom and healing in the hard places as you trust in Him. The safest place your relationship can be is in God’s hands as you both follow Him.

You can also prepare for premarital counseling by going before your officiant assigns it. Many couples don’t seek counseling until it seems to be the only option left —whether the officiant requires it or as a last resort to save the marriage. If you start counseling before it’s “necessary,” you’ll only have more strength and resources to engage in the hard places. 

That being said, it’s never too late for to see a counselor. Counseling can help couples find hope and guidance for lasting change. But returning to our house analogy, would you rather fix the cracks and leaks now or years down the road when they’ve done more damage?

Are there alternative options to counseling?

If the thought of premarital counseling feels intense, there are many alternatives such as classes, mentors, and books. Personally, I’m a fan of all three in combination. 

In fact, in a study¹ I helped conduct in college, we found evidence that reaffirms the value of mentor couples in conjunction with a premarital resource. A course or book offers the structure and knowledge needed to prepare well. But a mentor couple can help apply the information to a couple’s specific needs and goals.

And trust me, you’ll want another couple to grab coffee with in those times when you’re wrestling with hard realities or bursting at the seams with excitement.

What if we learn something we didn’t wanna know?

In college, one of my professors shared his experience as a marriage counselor and urged us all to get pre-engagement counseling. He explained that once a person gets engaged, it’s extremely difficult to call it off, even when it’s necessary.

But I had no idea I would face this painful decision later that year. 

I can remember the anxiety I felt when I learned my boyfriend was going to propose. I so wanted to be wrong about my doubts. Our premarital program revealed warning signs that we weren’t ready. It called attention to where we each needed to grow to avoid pain down the road. 

Ultimately, we had to end our engagement. It was devastating. But it was necessary for me to be able to follow God’s plan for my life (including writing to you today). I’ve found a lot of peace in trusting God with my hopes for marriage. 

Living out this truth doesn’t make hard conversations any easier. But it does give me freedom to embrace dating for both its lighthearted adventures and difficult-to-discuss questions. 

Not every big problem or concern needs to warrant break-up level discussions. If you’re in counseling, you’re exactly where you need to be to learn to work through issues together. It may warrant slowing down or breaking up. Or it might be an indicator to give this area of your relationship extra care, perhaps with mentors or accountability partners.

Premarital counseling is not the easy checklist item I used to think it was, and that’s a good thing. It’s an investment in your future marriage, giving you the tools you need to communicate well and live life as a team.

1. Felisha L. Younkin, Michael W. Firmin, Madelyn K. Fawcett, Alexandra J. McMurray & Chad D. Clark (2022) Reported benefits of a Fit to Be Tied premarital mentorship program, Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 32:1, 77-90, DOI: 10.1080/10911359.2020.1860851

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Alex McMurray is a content writer for FamilyLife at Cru headquarters in Orlando. She graduated from Cedarville University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. She grew up in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania with her parents and older brother. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors.

The day my soon-to-be husband and I had been planning for eight months had finally arrived: June 10, 2022. Nerves and excitement swirled as I curled up in bed, reading a letter from Perry. I’m easily anxious about big life changes. But as I read the letter, I knew as long as we kept God at the center of our marriage, marrying Perry was the right decision.

I was still anxious as my hair and makeup were done. I was just a few hours away from one of the biggest moments in my life. Was this really happening? Was today the day I would become a wife?

The rest of the day was a dream. The things that didn’t go as planned went unnoticed. And in the blink of an eye, I heard, “Perry, you may kiss your bride.” We were married!

The first year of marriage: when dream meets reality

During the first year of marriage, the dream became reality as we both realized the first year of marriage is full of things we didn’t expect.

Here are five surprises that have shaped and grown us to look more like our Creator and have taught us how to love each other better.

Surprise 1: understanding love languages

We all want to be loved the way God loves us. Jeremiah 1:4-5 reads, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

The word consecrated means to be set apart as holy, to be treasured. God treasures you in the unique way He made you, and He treasures your spouse in the unique way He made them. At the core of your heart, you desire to be set apart as unique, holy, and special by your spouse too. This is part of why you said, “I do,” at the altar. 

In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.”

But to make your spouse feel fully known and truly loved, requires intentionality. This was a surprise in our first year of marriage. Learning Perry’s love languages—the way he feels seen and known—was eye-opening. 

My love languages are acts of service and receiving gifts. I appreciate it when Perry randomly vacuums the house, puts away the dishes, or picks me up flowers. But Perry’s are quality time and words of affirmation. He loves uninterrupted time together and to hear, “I am proud of you.” 

I was surprised at how foreign it felt to give love to Perry in the way he desires, versus how I like to receive love. I still struggle to know how to love my husband well at times, and I’ve had to learn to love him the way God made Him to be loved. But our differences are beautiful because they showcase more of the unique, complex character of God.

Surprise 2: balancing independence and interdependence

Naturally, some people are more independent than others. While dating, it was easy for Perry and I to have our independence from one another. We’d see each other a few times a week, but the majority of our relationship was structured. We had a lot of spaces and places where we were still able to be independent and make our own decisions.

A friend once told me that, when you get married, you surrender your right to make unilateral decisions.

A desire for independence came as a surprise to both of us early into our first year of marriage, even though we knew we needed to work together to make decisions that may affect the other. 

Perry and I wondered what interdependence looked like—where we still each had some independence, but we also leaned on one another for support, friendship, and partnership. 

In our marriage, interdependence often looks like choosing to share hard things with one another—a tough day at work or a difficult relationship. For me, it’s also consciously choosing to share the deepest parts of myself with Perry and to lean on him for support and comfort. But in that, we have also acknowledged our need for same-gender friends who understand us.  

We are still learning how to navigate what independence and interdependence look like in marriage. The walk between the two can be tricky. But God uses the tension between independence and interdependence to reveal to us our sin patterns and faulty thinking in marriage and to help us grow closer to Himself and our spouse.

Surprise 3: merging of family systems

As you entered into marriage, you carried with you different family traditions and traits. When these merged for the first time, you may have been surprised at how they affected you.

In our first year of marriage, holidays looked different with Perry’s family than with mine. While my family has a small gathering, Perry’s family has a large gathering. Our first Christmas as husband and wife was nothing short of a surprise. 

After spending the days leading up to Christmas with Perry’s family in Indiana, we planned to fly to my parents’ home in New York on Christmas Eve. But due to a winter storm, we didn’t arrive until Christmas afternoon. I’ve never not woken up at my childhood home on Christmas morning. This felt like a heavy, painful weight in my stomach, and this loss/change took time to process, grieve, and move forward from. Perry and I navigated this experience by beginning to plan for what this upcoming year could look like for our family. 

Jesus meets us in the grief of change. He also meets us in the joys of change. With both, we learn that this life is not our own and there is a bigger story He is writing. He wants us to grow and see the world through different perspectives, through different family systems. 

God gave us the gift of families, and the uniqueness within them is something we celebrate! 

Surprise 4: Resolving conflict

“Will you forgive me?” I asked Perry after a long evening of arguing about summer travel plans. This has been a recurring question throughout our first year of marriage. 

Perry and I naturally respond differently in conflict. I outburst and/or withdraw. Perry is more likely to want to talk it out, but if it doesn’t appear to be reaching a resolution, he may withdraw. You can see how these two approaches collide at times. 

Yet conflict is a beautiful thing. (You may read that sentence and struggle to believe it.) Conflict: 

• Showcases the differences we all possess. 
• Points out our sinfulness, how we mess up and fall short of God’s perfect standard.
• Shows us our continual need for God.

I wouldn’t trade a single fight we’ve had if it would rob me of an opportunity to trust God, love Perry more, and experience humility in my life. When conflict reveals what’s happening at the core of our hearts, real transformation happens in marriage.

Surprise 5: desiring to be understood

In our first year of marriage, counseling has been pivotal for Perry and I to dissect misunderstandings and hurt. Through counseling, we discovered another surprise in our first year of marriage: the difference between listening and understanding. 

To truly understand Perry, I need to ask deeper questions when he shares something with me. Often, that means setting aside the phone, the laptop, and the book to be fully present with him.

I thought this would come easily in marriage, because I try to care well for my friends and family members. I imagined it would be like sitting across from a friend in a coffee shop and having a deep, soul-level conversation. There may be tears shed by my friend or me, and I’d work hard to help them feel seen and heard, while also feeling seen and heard by them. 

Over the first year of marriage, I’ve been learning that Perry thinks and feels differently than me. But at the core, he desires the same depth I give to my friends, and  I desire the same from him.

Surprises in your first year of marriage are inevitable

Be patient with yourself and your spouse. Most likely, neither of you has done this “thing” called marriage before. So here are a few tips on navigating the surprises that come your way during the first year of marriage:

1. Seek wise counsel from mentors or professional counseling. This can help uncover what’s beneath the surface of any tension and move toward wholeness. (Note: On this side of eternity with God, there may be things that don’t completely heal until we meet Jesus face-to-face.)
2. Go vertical with your relationship with God, especially when surprises arise in marriage and you or your spouse disappoint the other. God is still there with you.
3. Tell yourself your spouse is not your enemy. There is a greater enemy who is seeking to destroy your marriage. Thankfully, you have a loving Father who is protective toward you and your marriage.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Brooke Wilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife at Cru’s World Headquarters in Orlando. She is newly married to her husband, Perry, and they have a chocolate labrador named Willow. Originally from Syracuse, New York, Brooke moved to Florida to pursue writing and editing content full time. A few of her favorite things are photography, running, and sipping a warm chai latte across from a friend.