Editor’s Note: The following is adapted from a two-part FamilyLife Today^® series with author and theologian Wayne Grudem. You can listen to the podcast here: “What Does the Bible Say about Divorce?”

You’ve heard the story; maybe you’ve lived it: You’re unhappy in your marriage and losing hope for restoration.

In society today, we’re faced with a broad spectrum of viewpoints, from “Divorce is whenever you want to get a divorce” to the historic teaching of the church that divorce is never acceptable. 

So how do we know what to believe? Christians need to look closely at what the Bible says about divorce.

What does the Bible say about divorce?

Maybe you’re familiar with biblical teachings on divorce. Or maybe you’re taking a look at these teachings for the first time. Let’s start with what Jesus told His disciples in Matthew 19:6: “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Paul reaffirms these teachings in 1 Corinthians 7:10-14. 

Marriage is intended to be a permanent, lifelong union of one man and one woman. Since that’s God’s original plan, we should always seek to maintain that. Forgiveness and reconciliation need to be our end goal. While it’s not every story, it’s encouraging to remember those people in our lives whose marriage was damaged significantly, yet they were able to come to a place of forgiveness and restore the marriage.

When is divorce allowed?

Returning to Matthew, Jesus goes on to say: “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). With this exception, Jesus is making provision for situations where a husband or wife has irretrievably damaged the marriage (at least, potentially). He teaches that if you divorce your spouse and marry another because of sexual immorality, you are not committing adultery.

In his teachings in 1 Corinthians, Paul also addresses other circumstances that may warrant a divorce in verse 15: “If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved” (emphasis added).

What does “in such cases” mean?

I began looking at the phrase, “in such cases,” and was able to chase down about 50 examples of it. It doesn’t occur elsewhere in the Greek New Testament or the Greek Old Testament. But it does occur in other Greek literature outside the Bible.

It can have a broad meaning that we would translate to something like, “in cases similar to this.” The question is: In cases similar to what?

There are a number of examples where the cases don’t have to be the same—they just have to be similar in some way. Philo, a Jewish writer from around the time of the New Testament, told the story of when the 10th plague came upon the Egyptians. They woke up in the morning and all their firstborn sons and cattle were dead. Philo says, “But, as is usual in such circumstances, men thinking that the present evils were the beginning of greater ones, and being filled with fear lest those who were still living should also be destroyed…”

Could it mean, “As so often happens when a nation wakes up and finds all its firstborn sons are dead”? Well, that doesn’t make sense, because that had never happened before in history. “In such cases” must mean in cases where sudden tragedy strikes. Not just when your firstborn sons have died. But where a hurricane has destroyed your crops, or a raiding party has come and destroyed your village. It’s a case that’s similar, but not exactly the same. 

Another example is from the Greek orator Lysius, who lived from 459-380 BC, approximately. He tells about a man named Phrynichus who had to pay a fine to the treasury. He writes, “And when Phrynichus had to pay a fine to the Treasury, my father did not bring him his contribution of money: Yet it is in such cases that we see the best proof of a man’s friends.” It would be too narrow to say it’s only when a friend has to pay a sudden fine to the treasury. It’s in cases like this where you have a sudden need of money that you find out who your friends really are.

So what did Paul mean when he wrote, “In cases like this”? I believe he meant in cases where the marriage is so damaged it is no longer functioning as a marriage.

How should we apply this today?

Since the Reformation, the general position of Protestant churches has been that there are only two reasons for divorce: the physical act of adultery and desertion by an unbeliever from 1 Corinthians 7:15.

For many churches, the teaching has been: “In cases of abuse, the church should do everything it can to stop the abuse, but it’s not a ground for divorce.” But when we take a second look at  1 Corinthians 7:15,  it would seem that physical abuse that has continued over time and is threatening to continue into the future is grounds for divorce. The damage it does puts it in a similar category to desertion. 

While this is not the historical position of the church, increased access to Greek translations brings us peace in this interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7.  We believe we are being faithful to Scripture in saying there are other situations that are similarly damaging to marriage and provide legitimate grounds for divorce.

If you’re considering divorce

If you’re asking, “What does the Bible say about divorce?” then you may also be asking, “Should I get a divorce?” That is undoubtedly a very painful and confusing place to be. We hope these Scriptural truths can guide you and give you hope to keep fighting, or, if needed, leave a deeply damaging situation. You don’t have to face this alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from your church, community, or a Christian counselor.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Editor’s Note: The following is adapted from a two-part FamilyLife Today^® series with author and theologian Wayne Grudem. You can listen to the podcast here: “Should I Get a Divorce?”

You’ve reached a deeply painful place in your marriage where you’re asking, “Should I get a divorce?” 

This is a difficult judgment call that requires consideration of your individual situation with the guidance of wise, biblical counsel. We’ll talk more about what this looks like later. For now, let’s look at some guiding principles as we seek to apply what the Bible says about divorce.

When should I stay married?

God’s intention for marriage is a permanent, lifelong union between one man and one woman. That’s the ideal we should work for.

But in some cases, the ideal feels out of reach. Maybe it’s an addiction to gambling, alcohol, drugs, or pornography. Whatever it is, you’ve tried again and again to fix it, and haven’t seen much change. It takes prayer for discernment to know when that’s the case.

I’m not arguing for divorce for all kinds of reasons, like if the husband and wife can’t agree on something about the children or activities or how to manage their finances. That’s a time to stick it out, work at understanding, and move toward each other with as much outside support as possible. 

Sometimes, separation can lead to change and repentance. In cases where the husband and wife still have the opportunity to make their marriage work, they should try to do that first. If one spouse refuses to even talk during the separation, then the marriage has been abandoned, and divorce could be the legitimate option.

Should I get a divorce?

In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul says, “if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved” (emphasis added). 

What cases would Paul have in mind that would damage a marriage as much as adultery or desertion by a spouse? These are situations that require wise consideration: abuse, abuse of children, prolonged verbal and relational cruelty, credible threats of serious physical harm or murder, and incorrigible drug or alcohol addiction.

Those who don’t hold this position are at risk of leaving the abused spouse in a situation of enslavement. And Paul says, “In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved.” That’s the only place in the Bible that marriage is talked about in terms of slavery. 

So Paul is saying that to stay in those situations is like slavery, and God doesn’t want to leave a spouse in that slave situation.

Seek wise counsel

Pastors, church leaders, and trustworthy friends can give wise advice in these areas according to their understanding of Scripture. Pastors and Christian counselors can offer guidance by thinking in terms of these categories:

• Is it so damaging that the marriage is not functioning as a genuine marriage? 
• Is it possible, with God’s help, that it will be changed?
• From a human standpoint, is there any possibility of repentance and change?

If you’re considering this…

If you’re wondering if you should get a divorce, I encourage you to find those counselors, pastors, and friends to help you carry the burden of grief and help guide you through this decision-making process. This decision carries a lot of weight and needs to be brought before the Lord. 

When possible, seek reconciliation with your spouse. Know there is hope for your struggling marriage. But there’s also freedom to leave a marriage causing great suffering on account of abuse, adultery, addiction, or some other form of abandonment.

A final note

When it comes to the church or Christian communities responding to people walking toward divorce, it depends on the specific situation. We need to pray for guidance and for the Lord to give us wisdom to know if we should say anything, what we should say, and when we should say it.

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Wondering how to forgive your dad? Author Roland Warren knows the gravity of your pain and anger. He’ll walk you down the road of forgiveness—and freedom.
Show Notes and Resources

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Author Roland Warren invites single moms on a journey to heal their hearts and offers parenting advice to raise healthy men, good husbands, and strong dads.
Show Notes and Resources

Learn More About Roland Warrens Ministry, Care Net
Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.
See resources from our past podcasts.
Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife’s app!
Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.
Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

When the call came in, I suspected it wouldn’t be good news. It didn’t take long to confirm my fears. There was no greeting, no “How’re you doing?” The first words I heard were, “My wife wants a divorce. What do I do?”

The pain hit me through the phone like a punch. My friend was drowning and asking me for help.  But I felt helpless.

As he relayed his story, my anger swelled. This wasn’t fair. He had tried so hard to make their marriage work. Why was she doing this? I wanted to defend my friend and tell him how to protect his rights and assets and make her pay for the pain she was causing. But he wasn’t asking for help in those areas. He wanted to know what to do when your spouse wants a divorce.

When your spouse wants a divorce

My friend was active in his church and a ministry leader. He dedicated himself to God and did all the things a “good” Christian is supposed to do. Why didn’t God reward my friend’s efforts with good fortune? Didn’t God owe him something? 

As I struggled with that thought, I was gently reminded of 1 Peter 4:12-13. Jesus’s early followers were having trouble understanding why God would allow them to suffer for following Christ. Peter told them, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”

The belief that God owes us a comfortable life in exchange for our “good deeds” is a myth. 

Jesus did everything right, but God did not rescue Him from injustice and betrayal. Instead, He was sent to the cross. Jesus’ disciples didn’t fare much better. They left everything they knew to follow God’s will, yet their lives were in constant jeopardy. Most were killed for their faith.

The question isn’t, “Why doesn’t God fix our problems?” Instead, we should ask, “Why do we let our problems stop us from following Him?”

Over the next few conversations with my friend, I did my best to keep my anger in check and let God’s word speak for itself. In the end, we uncovered five truths that can help you if your spouse wants a divorce.

1. Understand your vows.

At the time of his call, I was going through a study in the Old Testament. One thing that struck me during that study was how seriously God takes the vows we make. God says things like: “You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God what you have promised with your mouth” (Deuteronomy 23:23).

And “If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth” (Numbers 30:2).

The marital promise of “Till death do you part” is not a promise we make primarily to our spouse; it is a promise we make to God. 

How could my friend’s wife’s behavior nullify the vow he made? How could an earthly judge have the jurisdiction to override it? 

Scripture holds up marriage as an example of Jesus’ relationship with the church. Jesus loves us even when we reject Him and spit in His face. And He calls us to a similar love. Ephesians 5:25 specifically says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

My friend realized he needed to find a way to honor his vows, no matter how painful. 

2. Love your enemies.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:27-28).

My friend began praying for his wife every morning. At first, it was to combat his desire to see her fail, but over time, his heart began to soften. Even though his wife’s choices should have made her the “enemy,” he asked her for forgiveness for his part in their conflict.

Soon they were able to talk on the phone without the conversation devolving into a fight. He stopped speaking badly of her to others and decided to stop fighting over continued financial support. 

After a few weeks, he commented, “I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had prayed for her like this all along?”

3. Work toward reconciliation.

After a few months, everyone he knew told him it was time to move on. His friends from work tried to encourage him to start dating and even began introducing him to single women. But his wife wasn’t remarried, and after hearing about others whose marriages survived a divorce, he knew there was still hope for reconciliation. He knew it was a long shot, but he wanted to be able to stand before God one day and know that he honored his commitment as best as he could

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18).

4. Accept your new reality

First Corinthians 13 says love “bears all things,” “hopes all things,” and “endures all things.”  The longsuffering quality of love is a picture of Christ’s love for us, His bride.  But Christ’s offer of forgiveness doesn’t last forever. If we continually refuse Him, we’ll eventually run out of time and bear the consequences of our choices for eternity.

While it is honorable to hold out hope of reconciliation in the face of impossible-looking odds, you need to know the day might come when it’s time to accept your new reality. That realization may come slowly, after years of your spouse’s repeated refusals to repent make it clear they have renounced their faith and truly abandoned you (1 Corinthians 7:15). Or it may come all at once with the shock of seeing a picture of them remarried to someone else. Either way, when it becomes clear that it’s time to let go, take time to mourn what has been lost and let God heal you.

5. Grow through your pain.

My friend’s divorce was heartbreaking and not at all how he envisioned his life turning out. For better or for worse, the people we love have free will. And even though it takes two people to get married, it only takes one to get a divorce. We cannot control other people’s actions, but we can control ours. We can choose to respond God’s way.

Because of my friend’s choices, his divorce never descended into the vitriol we usually see. And perhaps even more importantly, instead of hurting his faith, his faith grew. 

I was sad to have received that call that day, and while I still hold out hope for a miracle, I’m proud of the way he’s handled himself through it all.  It hasn’t been easy, but thankfully God can still make something good out of our messes. 

Copyright © 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.

Are you looking for support for the unique dynamics and challenges that stepfamily life brings? Have you wondered where you can go to get help? Then this episode is for you! Ron Deal talks with Gil and Brenda Stuart on how to find a church that will support you as a stepcouple, how to know if you need counseling and where to go, and what to do if not everyone is willing to go. It might be as simple as attending a small group at your church with other couples on a similar journey. But you must commit to go! Listen in as we talk about the value of finding the right support for your stepfamily and your part in making it happen.

Show Notes and Resources

Learn more about Gil and Brenda Stuart. https://gilandbrenda.com/
Blended Family Ministry Map. https://www.familylife.com/blendedmap
Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/
How to Find a Competent Christian Stepfamily Therapist. https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/sharing-hope-finding-help/how-to-find-a-competent-christian-stepfamily-therapist
Trusted Counselor List https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-therapy-intensives
Encouragement for the couples in a stepfamily. https://gilandbrenda.com/restored-remarried/
Building Love Together in Blended Families by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5763-building-love-together-in-blended-families.aspx

One of the unfortunate and sometimes ugly results of a divorce is a custody battle. How do you sift through the murky waters of lawyers, legalities and loss while parenting your children? Throw in sustaining a healthy marriage will cause even more challenges. Ron Deal talks with Willie and Rachel Scott about their perspective and how God walked them through their individual stories of custody matters.

Show Notes and Resources

Learn more about Better than Blended. https://betterthanblended.com/
Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/
Buy the book “The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning.” https://shop.familylife.com/p-5664-the-smart-stepfamily-guide-to-financial-planning.aspx
Learn about FamilyLife’s other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast
The Smart Stepfamily DVD: An 8-Session Guide to a Healthy Stepfamily. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5643-the-smart-stepfamily-dvd-10th-anniversary-edition.aspx