When the abuse first begins, many women in abusive relationships aren’t sure if what they are experiencing is abusive. In fact, one of the biggest hurdles to addressing domestic violence is that very few victims self-identify as experiencing abuse. Many think abuse happens to “those women” and don’t want to have the stigma of being one of “those women.”

The most telling sign that you are in an abusive relationship is living in fear of your spouse. If you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around him—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blowup—your relationship is unhealthy and likely abusive. Other signs include your spouse’s belittling of you, his attempts to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

An abuser typically has a well-stocked arsenal of ways to exert power over you. He may employ domination, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, denial, blame, and more. What’s more, he is often creative and strategic in when—and how—to put these to their most effective use.

None of this is your fault. Your abuser is the only one to blame.

And because he is so good at deceptively wielding control, it can often be difficult to discern if you are being abused. From the perspective of outside observers, these signs of abuse may be cut-and-dry. But for those trapped in the cycles of abuse, making sense of these complicated relational dynamics—especially when the relationship is intimate—can be suffocating and confusing.

If this is where you find yourself right now, here are some ways to discern if your relationship is abusive.

What the abuser does: eight common profiles

Some abuse victims may be so confused by the relational dynamics in their relationship—understandably so—that they need to hear stories and common experiences from others in order to make sense of their own. Some find it helpful to identify domestic abuse by understanding the common profiles of abusers—and recognizing their partner among them.

Since abuse is defined by an abuser’s behavior—not yours—we’ll start with identifying just that. Here are eight categories or personas abusers commonly exhibit:

1.Bully

• Glares
• Shouts
• Smashes things
• Sulks

2. Jailer

• Stops you from working and seeing friends
• Tells you what to wear
• Keeps you in the house
• Charms your friends and family

3. Head worker

• Puts you down
• Tells you you’re too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, useless, etc.

4. Persuader

• Threatens to hurt or kill you or the children
• Cries
• Says he loves you
• Threatens to kill himself
• Threatens to report you to social services

5. Liar

• Denies any abuse
• Says it was “only” a slap
• Blames drinking, drugs, stress, overwork, you, unemployment, etc.

6. Bad father

• Says you are a bad mother
• Turns the children against you
• Uses access to harass you
• Threatens to take the children away
• Persuades you to have “his” baby then refuses to help you care for it

7. King of the castle

• Treats you as a servant/slave
• Says women are for sex, cooking, and housework
• Expects sex on demand
• Controls all the money

8. Sexual controller

• Sexually assaults you
• Won’t accept no for an answer
• Keeps you pregnant
• Rejects your advances and allows sex only when he wants it rather than when you initiate

Belittling behavior

Does your spouse:

• Yell at you?
• Embarrass, insult, criticize you, call you names, or put you down?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your family or friends to see?
• Put you down, but then tells you that he loves you?
• Ignore or belittle your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his abusive behavior?
• Use any mistakes you made in the past against you?
• Not allow you to disagree?
• Ignore your feelings and ideas?
• Tell you that you are a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, tell you it is your fault, or even deny doing it?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Controlling behavior

Does your spouse:

• Act excessively jealous or possessive?
• Withhold affection as a way to punish you?
• Control where you go, what you do, and demand your whereabouts?
• Keep you from seeing your family or friends?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• Withhold basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)?
• Make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Restrict you to an allowance?
• Prevent you from working or sabotage your job?
• Steal from you or take your money?
• Constantly check up on you?
• Control your plans and friends?
• Stop you from seeing your family or friends?
• Force you to drop charges?

Violent behavior or threats

Does your spouse:

• Hit, kick, slap, choke, burn, shove, shake, drag, bite, push, punch, or physically harm you in any other way?
• Throw things at you?
• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Destroy your property or belongings?
• Threaten to kill your pet?
• Force, threaten, or coerce you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

Three kinds of abuse

There are different kinds of abuse but all of them are wrong. To help you take inventory of your unique situation, let’s consider three different kinds of abuse:

Physical

When we talk about domestic violence, we are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. This means using physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack. And you have the right to protect yourself and your children, if you have them.

Sexual

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Sexual assault includes rape, but it also includes coercion, intimidation, or manipulation to force unwanted sex. We define sexual assault as any type of sexual behavior or contact where consent is not freely given or obtained and is accomplished through force, intimidation, violence, coercion, manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of authority.

Sexual assault is a display of power by the perpetrator against the victim. It is not a product of an “uncontrollable” sexual urge. In fact, it is not actually about sex at all; it is about violence and control. Perpetrators use sexual actions and behaviors as weapons to dominate, control, and belittle another person.

If you feel as though you are being pressured into sex or that you are doing something that you do not want in order to placate your spouse, then let us tell you now that your feelings are valid and that it is abuse.

Emotional

Most people can identify physical abuse—pushing, hitting, kicking—if it is happening in their relationship. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is not always so easily spotted.

It’s harder to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, and easier to minimize what’s really going on. It doesn’t leave you bleeding or bruised. The neighbors can’t hear it (not always) through the walls. But emotional abuse is no less destructive than physical abuse, and it is no less wrong.

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence—a violent process, in that it degrades you and your sense of God-given worth. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you will have nothing.

So how can you identify if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse? There are several ways. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behaviors are also signs of emotional abuse. Sometimes, abusers throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

Emotional abuse also includes economic abuse such as withholding money and basic necessities, restricting you to an allowance, sabotaging your job, and stealing from you or taking your money.

These are just some examples. But if you don’t see your particular experience listed here, use this as a general guide: Does your partner do something deliberately and repeatedly that puts you down or thwarts your plans? If the person who is supposed to be providing love, support, and guidance is keeping you in a situation where you are constantly made to feel inferior, you aren’t in a healthy relationship.

Your thoughts and feelings

The descriptions above are focused on your spouse’s behavior, which are all the telltale signs of abuse. These next questions are for you—to determine how you feel regarding this behavior. The more “yes” answers here, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Do you:

• Feel afraid of your spouse most of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel afraid of your spouse’s temper?
• Feel afraid to disagree?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your spouse?
• Believe you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Have to justify everything you do, every place you go, every person you talk to in order to avoid your spouse’s anger?
• Feel afraid to leave or break up because your spouse has threatened to hurt you, himself, or someone else?
• Avoid seeing family or friends because of your spouse’s jealousy?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Reflect on your spouse’s abusive behavior. Do you see him in these descriptions? Can you see evidence that the behaviors were deliberate, controlled, or planned? Does he act differently toward you when there are other people around? How has he attempted to stop your resistance to his abuse? Does he treat others with respect, while treating you with disrespect?

Take a look at your own experience to get clarity on your situation. Our hope is that as we spell out the nuances of what you may be experiencing, you will be able to call it what it is, plain and simple—abuse.

Adapted by permission from Is It My Fault? by Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb. Copyright © 2014, Moody Publishers. All Rights reserved.

Editor’s note: Although this excerpt is addressed to women, we know domestic abuse happens to both men and women. If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, please seek godly counsel from your pastor or a counselor. Depending on your particular situation, you may also need to seek legal protection and make a safety plan. For a more complete exploration of what Scripture has to say about abuse, please read the Holcombs’ entire book, Is It My Fault: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence.You can also hear more of what the Holcombs have to say about domestic abuse on FamilyLife Today®.

The Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway has been changing the forevers of couples for more than 40 years. In 2018, more than 60,000 people learned about God’s design for marriage as FamilyLife hosted 92 getaways around the country. 

Many conference guests are in a good place in their relationship and simply want to learn how to be better together. Others have divorce papers already drawn up. Last year nearly 11,000 people indicated they were recommitting to their relationship. And 986 individuals let us know they received Christ as their Lord and Savior! 

It’s not just about the numbers, but what each one of those represents: marriage transformation. At the end of every event, guests are invited to tell us their stories. Here are a few of our favorites from 2018.

One decision can impact generations

This is [our] second getaway, our first since being married. God led us here by way of my parents. My parents’ marriage was strained growing up. I remember many, many yelling matches and family meetings.

Often I was asked to be the moderator. I tried to be a peacemaker. My parents are both very loving and cared deeply for my sister and me. I should note that my father is a pastor. My mother often felt alone and neglected.

I remember during my senior year, my mom sat me down and told me that she was going to leave my dad. She didn’t deserve to be unhappy for the rest of her life. I asked her how she would make it by herself, and she told me she had been saving away money to pay for an apartment.

After our talk, I immediately went into, “We’ve got to save their marriage” mode. I found Mom’s stash, over $1,000, and hid it so she couldn’t find it, and began to research. I reached out to one of the deacons, looked at counselors, and finally found Weekend to Remember.

My sister and I combined what little money we had, bought the tickets and hotel, printed the itinerary, and presented it to them. Thank God they went. I had never seen them so in love and so caring for one another. They’ve stayed together and will celebrate their 29th anniversary this year. God is amazing. Now my children will be able to see their grandparents together.

My husband and I have now been to Weekend to Remember twice, and my sister and her fiancé plan to attend for the first time next month. Thank you for your ministry in keeping families together!

They discovered they weren’t alone

My husband and I [are] both police officers. We saw two other officers from his department that came to this Weekend to Remember. We knew we weren’t alone, but we often feel very alone in our struggles at home. Because we are supposed to be strong, we are trained to put our feelings aside and care for others. Our eyes opened this weekend to the need to help others in our boat … There is a need.

Thank you for the realization that we are not struggling alone. We tell cops all the time to talk, talk about what you see on the streets. But what first responder couples need to hear is talk to each otherbecause they aren’t alone. Take care of yourself and your family, you don’t have to be strong at home, you aren’t to fix everything at home like you are on calls. Instead ask for help and you might just find out your colleagues are struggling, too.

She didn’t believe one weekend could make a difference

When we showed up, we were broken and hurting. We were committed to staying together, but had no idea how to stop living in conflict and isolation. I came kicking and screaming. A weekend alone with my husband with no escape sounded like hell on earth.

We drove nine hours in silence. We fought during every break the first day. But by the end of the weekend, God moved in our marriage.

It was nothing he or I could have ever done on our own. Honestly, it was a miracle. I didn’t believe them when they told me one weekend can save a marriage. We came here feeling like we were enemies. We left here as best friends.

We learned how to communicate. I learned how to respect and support my husband. It’s not a magical fix. But for the first time in a long time, I feel re-inspired and filled with hope about the future. I feel like I have direction and tools, and an achievable goal. I have a plan, God’s plan.

The greatest thing I learned this weekend is that God is BIGGER than the challenges in my marriage. It feels so good to know that I can let go, let God be in control, and trust that it will all be ok.

Their marriage was broken after losing their son

We started out coming to Weekend to Remember needing a revival. We never learned our “roles” or how to deal with conflict with good, strong communication. We were broken and distant after losing our son and going through a very rough year financially. We were trying to come together, but floundering.

After the Weekend to Remember, we have been closer than we could have imagined. We have had in-depth talks and lowered our pride. We broke down walls, shed tears, and had talks that led us back to finding a closeness that we hadn’t felt in years. We are so thankful for this weekend, and we will be back every year for a tune-up. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

She had lost hope for their marriage

My husband and I came to [Weekend to Remember] a second time. This time [my husband] is five years sober. During sobriety and working on recovery (AA program) there were two relapses.

The life of addiction greatly affected our marriage. The communication was gone along with trust, companionship, respect, and intimacy. We lost hope again. FamilyLife was our last effort to rebuild our marriage.

Friday and Saturday started out well at the conference. By Saturday, things fell apart. I said, “Let’s leave the conference.” We did!

At 7 p.m. we were on I-4 heading back to Tampa. God stopped our car. I felt Him speak to me, Go back to the hotel. Forgive Victor.

We talked on the side of the road and turned the car around back to the hotel. We unpacked our things and went out for date night. [We] both surrendered to the Lord. We will put God first to create oneness.

We want to stay married and do the work to better our marriage. It’s now the last hour of the conference and we both are so happy we stayed! We love God and are leaning on Him to move forward. Thank you FamilyLife for letting me share. Thank you for giving us hope.

From isolation to an affair

Over the past couple of years, life took us to a consistent place of isolation. Over time, I felt alone and unsupported, and a lack of emotional connection led to a lack of physical connection and ultimately an extramarital affair.

As a result of the isolation and where we found ourselves, we went through a temporary separation, all while doubting God and His purpose for us. Although [my husband] believed that divorce wasn’t an option, I was strongly considering it … Some God-loving family friends suggested we attend the Weekend to Remember and we arrived with hearts ready to forgive and love.

This experience and weekend has shown us ways in which we have failed one another, rejected our needs, ignored our vows, and most importantly, disobeyed God. We have learned that our marriage was and continues to be God’s plan and purpose for our life. If we can acknowledge that and keep that at the center of our family, our marriage will not only recover from a place of hurt and pain, but will flourish to become the very gift it was intended to be by God.

We now understand how trusting and seeking God daily can help us to achieve a place of oneness in our marriage. Today, we leave with previously crushed spirits and broken hearts, now walking out with renewed and uplifted spirits and hearts full of forgiveness and love. We leave as one, and knowing The One who makes our marriage complete. Thank you from the bottom of our mended hearts.

Pornography hurt their marriage

My wife and I came here after narrowly escaping a divorce. I had engaged in pornography early on in our marriage. In trying to rid this sin from my life, I turned to emotional affairs outside of my marriage. My wife and I even attended counseling for a year to fix what was wrong while the whole time I was hiding my sinful actions.

My wife found out, confronted me, and offered grace. This moment broke me, and I then and there repented and began the process of restoration.

Now we are here three months later. This conference has allowed us to take a leap years ahead and move beyond much of the hurt we had suffered. We are both committed to not only seeing our marriage grow, but seeing how God can use our story to help others.

We’re thankful to God for the work He has let us witness in 2018. But one last comment from a couple reminds us that even the best marriages can benefit from a weekend together. 

Too often people view these conferences/retreats as a last ditch effort to save a marriage. We have a really good marriage but want it to be better. The [Weekend to Remember] is a way to check under the hood and keep it running smooth. Oil changes are cheaper than an engine overhaul. We continue to encourage other couples to work on their marriages no matter how long they’ve been married or the condition of their marriage.

Here’s to more transforming stories in 2019!

Copyright © 2019 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

In the wake of Billy Graham’s death at age 99, the media is naturally focusing on the unparalleled impact the evangelist had around the world. As the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association reports, “Throughout his life, Billy Graham preached the gospel of Jesus Christ to some 215 million people who attended one of his more than 400 Crusades, simulcasts and evangelistic rallies in more than 185 countries and territories. He reached millions more through TV, video, film, the internet, and 34 books.”

But one aspect of Graham’s life may not receive focus—his marriage of over 63 years to Ruth Bell Graham. And that is unfortunate, because their marriage is a grand story in itself.

Billy and Ruth met when they were students at Wheaton College. Ruth grew up in China as the daughter of missionaries, and she had planned to become a missionary herself. After Billy proposed, she eventually decided that God was calling her to a different path, so she set aside her own personal goals to become Billy’s wife.

After Ruth died in 2007, it was interesting to see some writers discuss this decision made back in 1941, as if it was quaint and old fashioned, and perhaps a bit tragic. How many modern women, they said, would make the same choice? One writer for The Washington Post wrote, “What a sign of those times, one might say. Or, how sad. The world will never know what else Ruth Graham … could have accomplished …”

What the world often fails to understand is that God often calls people to set aside their own plans in order to follow Him … and then He uses them in greater ways as a result. When God put this couple together, He created an incredible partnership in which each person made the other stronger and more effective in reaching people for Christ. Ruth, for example, was put in a position where all her gifts—for writing, for raising children, for influencing others—could flourish. God used her in ways she could never have imagined.

An essential element of Billy Graham’s impact was his marriage to Ruth—a woman who provided love, counsel, and spiritual guidance. A true partner who gave him a secure home life and retreat.

As Robert Schuller, former pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in Southern California, said: “I think Ruth Graham is the most powerful woman of the 20th century. Not one of the most, but the most powerful woman, because Billy Graham’s ministry is unmatched in history and she was the woman behind his success.”

A strain on his home life

After his 1949 crusade in Los Angeles, Graham’s fame and influence exploded, and he began holding crusades around the world. This often put a strain on his marriage and family life, because he was often gone for weeks and even months at a time.

“I now warn young evangelists not to make the mistakes I did,” he wrote in his autobiography, Just As I Am. “But Ruth reminds me that the situation is different today. There are many more evangelists and far more Christian programs on television and radio, so perhaps the need for constant travel is less necessary. When I started years ago, I was responding to an urgent need in the best way I knew how. And God has been faithful.”

He went on to write, “The secret of Ruth’s survival was in her commitment—not only her marriage commitment before God of her love for me, but also her ministry commitment of the two of us to the Lord’s purpose for our lives together. And Ruth will be the first to say that she loved her part—staying home with the children.”

They didn’t have a perfect marriage, he wrote, “but we have a great one.” By that, he meant that they learned, with God’s grace, to live with each other’s imperfections. In fact, one of Ruth’s well-known quotes is, “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.”

Some of the best insights into their marriage emerged after Ruth’s death. At her memorial service, Billy said, “She was an incredible woman. We were married for nearly 64 years. I wish you could look into the casket because she’s so beautiful. I sat there for a long time just looking at her and praying, because I know she had a great reception in heaven.”

Anne Graham Lotz, one of their daughters, said, “She loved our daddy, and she taught us to love and adore him. But there was something in her life that was greater than her love for our daddy, and that was her love for Jesus and her love for God’s Word.”

Staying faithful

A man like Billy Graham will always have critics. There were some who didn’t like Billy Graham’s evangelical theology. He was criticized for some of his friendships with presidents. But he avoided any hint of scandal over his marriage and his personal life.

In the early days of Graham’s ministry, his team took steps to avoid some of the traps that had ensnared other evangelists. He wanted to ensure that he stayed faithful to Ruth, so the team instituted what some today call the “Billy Graham Rule.” As Graham explained it in Just As I Am:

We all knew of evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel. We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet, or eat alone with a woman other than my wife. We determined that the Apostle Paul’s mandate to the young pastor Timothy would be ours as well: ‘Flee … youthful lusts’ (2 Timothy 2:22, KJV).

The secret

In the wake of Billy’s death, two quotes appear on the Billy Graham Association website.

The first is from Billy Graham: “My one purpose in life is to help people find a personal relationship with God, which I believe comes from knowing Christ.”

The second is from Ruth, reminiscing on what attracted her to Billy: “He was a man who had a purpose, a dedication in life; he knew where he was going. He wanted to please God more than any man I’d ever met.”

These words say a lot about the secret to a successful marriage—even one where the husband was constantly traveling. For Billy and Ruth Graham, it was all about serving Christ … together.

Copyright © 2018 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Visit the memorial site online at the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and read the articles in the tribute to Billy Graham at Christianity Today.

Also, read Ruth’s thoughts on incompatibility in marriage.

Significant life change can happen in the context of small groups. In this setting, group members can feel safe to discuss issues and share experiences on a more personal level. One of the keys to small group effectiveness is the leaders and the preparations they make.

We asked Scott and Sue Allen, small group leaders for 25 years, to share their top 10 tips for leading marriage enrichment small groups. Here’s what they shared:

1. Choose materials wisely. Group leaders will find a plethora of resources available on marriage enrichment. Begin by asking your pastoral staff to preview and approve materials before choosing what you’ll use.

The optimal length of a small-group class is six weeks, with each session lasting 60 to 90 minutes. A six-week class keeps the material fresh and is short enough for people to make the commitment to attend.

We recommend starting with The Art of Marriage Connect® series. Improving Communication in Your Marriage is an ideal starting point in the Connect series.

If you use digital media, make sure the delivery technology works well in your chosen location.

2. Enlist primary and secondary group facilitators. If you are the primary facilitators, then enlist another couple to serve as the secondary facilitators. Secondary facilitators assist in leading the class and helping with discussion. They can step in as the primary facilitators in your absence.

3. Choose the meeting time and location carefully. Sunday morning at church fits most church structures. Childcare and classroom space are usually available. If you decide to have a home study, consider how you will handle childcare, a very important issue for parents.

4. Personally prepare week to week. Study the material early in the week and meditate on it throughout the week. Refresh your memory by looking through your notes, either the night before class or the morning of. Guard against letting up on your personal Bible study and prayer time because Satan will be eager to attack any good work.

5. Be punctual. Each week, arrive at least 20 minutes prior to class so that you can have everything ready and have time for personal prayer, yielding to God’s direction and wisdom.

Start and finish on time. Resist the urge to “wait until everyone is here” before starting, or to “keep going because everyone is engaged” when it is time to stop. People appreciate when you stick to your schedule; it shows you respect their time.

6. Promote through multiple channels. Different channels and methods catch different people’s attention. Facebook, email, Instagram, text, church bulletins, church foyer table, posters, word of mouth, pulpit announcements—use all channels available to you. We recommend that you start promotion three weeks before your class begins. Visit the resource publisher’s website; sometimes you’ll find downloadable promotion files there. Create an attractive flyer that gives the class details: location; time; subject; length; childcare; and contact name, email, and phone number, along with a call to action such as “Sign up today.”

7. Provide snacks and drinks. Food, even just something to drink, usually puts people at ease. During the first class, circulate a sign-up sheet for couples to volunteer.

8. Communicate with group members throughout the week. Create a class roster and communicate often with reminders of topics discussed, homework for couples to do, the snack schedule, or articles participants will find interesting. Send reminders of prayer requests and encourage members to pray for one another. Keep up with members’ contact info for when you offer other marriage enrichment opportunities.

9. Consider the seating arrangement. If you are able, arrange the chairs in a circle. This facilitates good discussion.

10. Encourage participation. During discussion, become comfortable with silence. You may find it uncomfortable to ask a question and sit in silence for a few seconds, but doing so often encourages a group member to interact who normally might not. Resist the temptation to answer your own question.

Start each class with an “ice breaker” question. Possible questions are “Where was your first date?” or “What is your favorite restaurant?”

Participants aren’t the only ones who will benefit

Leading a marriage class can be very rewarding to you and your spouse in addition to those who attend. As you prepare for each class, you will find God strengthening your own marriage and giving you a heart to minister to others.

Copyright © 2017 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

It took me all of two minutes to shake away my doldrums.  To remember how God is working.

One of the first comments I read began with these words: “My 2015 Valentine’s gift was my wife letting me know she was leaving me.”  That got my attention.

“After six children and 11 grandchildren, she was emotionally dead as I had neglected her and not been there for her for 20 years,” he wrote.

Sitting in his office in “total shock and disbelief,” his phone rang.  His pastor was in Haiti on a mission trip, but felt that the Holy Spirit prompted him to call.  “After relating what was going on in my life, he urged me to confess my sin to both my God and my wife, and then told me that he, the team, and Haitian church would be praying around the clock for our marriage.

“I’ll never know why God chose to give me a second chance, but over the next 72 hours there was a complete and miraculous healing in our lives.  God melted both of our hearts and provided complete restoration to the point it was evident to those in our church (who knew nothing that had happened), and more importantly our children, that something in our lives was different.”

Now this couple had attended a Weekend to Remember, and he felt it was “the best investment we could have ever made in our marriage.  The weekend truly has given us the tools which, if used, will help our marriage thrive and become all God wants it to be.”

For the next 30 minutes I read story after story about people whose lives were changed because they encountered God at this event in Indianapolis.  Some samples:

We’ve had ups and downs, lately more downs.  This weekend was just what we needed to reconnect and rediscover each other.  It’s the honeymoon we hadn’t had yet.  We feel that the material will make a great transformation in our home, to better it, and bring glory to its rightful Owner, the Creator, our Lord God almighty.

***

Approximately 15 years ago, our marriage was broken by my husband’s admission that he had been living a double life for 35 years.  He had committed adultery with various women during that time period.  Our pastor and assistant pastor were instrumental in counseling.  We joined a FamilyLife couples group.  We attended our first Weekend to Remember 13 years ago.  Very effective in strengthening and saving our marriage. 

***

We’ve been married for five years.  I am still in love with my husband, but sometimes love isn’t enough.  We have been slammed with challenges throughout our married life. Sometimes you feel like giving up.  This conference reminded me what marriage is about: It’s work!  But with God involved, it will work out.  Keep doing what you all are doing!  It’s giving us the tools to do it God’s way.

***

I felt very reluctant about coming to this conference.  It was a desperate, last-ditch effort to salvage our marriage.  We are both terrible communicators and have always struggled with conflict resolution.  I have renewed hope for our marriage. 

I don’t want to give up.  I want to make it work.  I choose us.  I want to love God and my husband the way God intended.  I want my kids to see a godly marriage modeled.  I thank God for this conference and that we came to it.  It scares me to think what might have happened to our marriage if we hadn’t come to this conference.

If you look at our culture, it’s easy to become discouraged as we see people not just turning away from God, but actively mocking those who are committed to following Christ.  But letters like these remind me of Matthew 9, where Jesus saw the crowds and had compassion for them, “because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'”

Today the world is still full of people without hope.  They may not always show it or admit it, but you see it in their relationships.  They don’t know how to form the marriages and families they desire.

I think God is using these issues to help people understand their desperate need for Him.  The harvest is still as plentiful today as it was in the time of Christ.

Well, here’s your chance.

Shaunti Feldhahn spent years interviewing couples to find the ones who had the happiest marriages. Her purpose was to ask them their secrets, and pass them along to others. The research in her recent book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, is thorough and her findings are a game-changer.

She took the five most common actions of the happiest couples and compiled them in a list she calls the “Fantastic Five” (for him and for her).

Guys first. When it comes to your wife, here are the five things that make her happy.

• Take her by the hand.
• Leave her a voice mail message, text message, or email to tell her you love her and are thinking about her.
• Put your arm around her, or your hand on her knee when you’re sitting next to her (especially when you’re in public).
• Sincerely tell her she’s beautiful.
• Pull yourself out of a funk.

That’s it. Believe it or not, when Shaunti asked wives, between 72-82 percent said these five actions deeply pleased them. That’s not just the happy wives, but all wives. Even two-thirds of the wives in struggling marriages strongly agreed these are the things that make her happy.

And now, here are the five things Shaunti found that please husbands the most:

• Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it.
• Say, “You did a great job at __________.”
• Mention in front of others something he did well.
• Show him that you desire him sexually, and he pleases you sexually.
• Make it clear to him that he makes you happy.

As you know, wives, men are often pretty simple and aren’t too hard to please. Just do a couple of things. Oh, if you’re thinking that #4 is the most important thing on a guy’s list, think again. It’s #5. Almost 90 percent of men said knowing that they make their wife highly happy is what makes them highly happy.

Shaunti also encourages us to understand that there are unique actions that speak specifically to your spouse. Knowing and being able to speak his or her “love language” is huge step toward understanding this. As described by Gary Chapman in his popular book, The Five Love Languages, some people love receiving gifts as a sign of love.  Others like a spouse’s undivided attention.  He may like you to do little things for him, or maybe it’s your touch that does it for him.  Or maybe what your spouse needs most from you are words of encouragement.

Whatever the case, the initiative you take is almost as important as the action itself.  Husbands, what you do says to your wife that you truly care about her. That’s great comfort and security for her. And wives, your words and actions say to your husband that what he’s doing makes a difference in your life.

So why don’t you make your spouse happy and try them out? What do you have to lose besides a stale marriage?

1. My former pastor and his wife … they are both with the Lord now.  They had very different strengths but they always showed each other the utmost respect and love and were a testimony to me in my middle school years.  It was very clear to everyone that they treasured each other.

2. My brother Tracy and his wife Kelsie.  They married young, at 19 and 20, and I had doubts about their chances of a successful marriage, just based on their ages.  They will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in July and have 8 children.  They are truly, to me, the epitome of what a marriage and family should be.  Their selflessness and commitment to each other, their children, family, and friends it’s something we admire and aspire to!

3. I truly admire my parents’ marriage the most.  They met when they were 21 and 24 and married within 6 weeks.  I grew up seeing them go through extreme financial challenges but my mom only worked part-time jobs while we were at school so she could be home with us before and after school.  I never saw them raise their voices to one another.  There may have been times when I sensed they were unhappy about something but they did not let us see them fight.  After we all graduated, got married and moved away, I saw their relationship become even sweeter and more loving.  I hope that my husband and I can also find a deeper love for one another that will help our marriage become as strong as theirs.

4. My husband and I both admire our grandparents’ marriages. No matter what life threw at them, they stayed grounded in their faith and each other. They knew God had plans for them and their marriages and they tried to listen and follow. That is what we strive for in our marriage and life together with Christ.

5. I admire our parents’ marriages most. Our parents have stayed married through many years and many ups and downs. We know their lives behind the scenes. They have been wonderful examples to us on how to stay married. They don’t have marriage rules that I can tell but they taught us well by living their lives and honoring their spouses and the Lord.

6. Both of my parents are deceased, but their marriage is what I want my marriage to model. They loved each other til they died. They went on vacation by themselves once a year. They provided a great home to grow up in. As kids we had everything we needed so we could grow and thrive as adults.

7. I think I would choose my grandparents.  They spent a lot of time at church together and working to share God’s love, but then they could fight like nobody’s business but then go to bed happy and contented. They enjoyed spending time with family and laughing.  Playing games and things. When one died before the other they missed the other one immensely. They shared their happiness with each other and stayed together throughout life’s many challenges.  Parkinsons disease and Alzheimer’s attacked each of them.  But through all of that they loved each other and kept encouraging one another to heal and kick the diseases.  Amazing to think about and miss them since they have been gone for 5 years. At least we have memories!

8. The answer to this question has changed many times for me over the years.  What I used to think was an admirable quality in marriage is not what I think now.    So if at this time having to pick one couple, it would be my son and his wife.  They attended their first weekend to remember in February.   They came to the weekend on the brink of filing for divorce and left with renewed love and hope.   God is good !!

9. I admire our Pastor and his wife’s marriage the most.  They are just real people.  They have struggles and issues just like everyone else but they prioritize one another. Even in the midst of church life and ministry they take time most weeks for date night and for family night.  They have nicknames for each other and when they are together you see the love and respect they have for one another.  When he or she is on stage at church and the other is watching from the audience, there is such a look of love and admiration on their spouses face as they watch them.  They have helped shape us into the spouses we are today by watching them and learning from them over the last twenty years.  They are an example of the kind of marriage we want.

10. Chip and Theresa Ingram because of the blended family aspect and how he has let God work in him and through him with his step children.  Also as a pastor his marriage has many serious demands, but the evidence in his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World is that they are successful at both launching their arrows and maintaining their bond with God and each other.

11. My parents – My mom is no longer living but while she was alive, I saw how my parents stuck by each other through all of life’s ups and downs.  As my mom’s health failed, my dad stayed by her side.  They modeled for my siblings and me what a marriage was supposed to function.

12. My parents. My father is in a state care facility five hours away from where we live because he has Alzheimers. She desperately wanted him closer, but because he had become so aggressive, my mom had no choice but to have him there. My mother faithfully has cared for him the last 5 years in their home until it got unmanageable this last Christmas. Now she drives to the facility every other week to visit him and make sure that he knows that he’s loved. Sometimes he remembers her and sometimes he does not. She also calls him often. They’ve been married for 40 years and have stood the test of time when the going is really tough.

13. We had a couple model a Christ centered marriage to us early in our marriage.  They met with us and helped us set up a budget.  He mentored my husband and she mentored me and showed us with their actions what it takes to have a healthy marriage that honors our Lord.

14. Walter & Melba Hooker, because God radiates through them. You can see the love & respect they have for each other. They put God first in everything together.

15. One of the most recent marriages I have really learned about has become my favorite. It is the story from the Bible about Boaz and Ruth. The thing that sticks out the most is the character they displayed. Ruth was honorable, humble and loyal. She left all that she knew and went into the unknown to take care of Naomi. Boaz was an honorable, humble man that displayed his faith to those in the fields. He took notice of Ruth’s servant heart and in return took care of her. They did things the right way it seems. Over time they fell in love with each other. Boaz even had to lay aside his pride and own desires to do what was right. He had to approach another man that had the first right to marry Ruth. Through it all they remained a man and a woman with true character and loved God first.

16. I know this may seem inappropriate here but after giving a great deal of thought to this question my answer is Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I didn’t have any good examples of a Godly marriage growing up so there wasn’t anyone modeling what I felt like God wanted for couples when it was close to time for me to get married. I started reading everything I could at our library in Bible College to help me out. Once I started reading the Family Life materials I discovered a kinship and have felt like I know Dennis and Barbara through their materials. I really appreciate the work they are doing.

17. The marriage I admire most is that of my in-laws. My father in law passed several years ago due to Alzheimer’s disease. They were high school sweethearts. As his disease progressed my mother in law would fill in the words where he could not, and she knew exactly what he needed even when he could not remember what it was. Once, when we took him out to shop for a gift for her, after he found the perfect Yankee Candle for her, he immediately wanted to go home. He wanted to be with her every moment possible as he drew closer to the end of his life on earth. The day before he died, she was sitting on the edge of his bed. Though he had not spoken an intelligible word for weeks nor had he been responsive for three days, his eyes opened, he pulled her close, she gave him a kiss and he patted her on the buttocks. It is a scene that I will never forget. I pray that my husband and I can be in such communion that no matter what happens to either of us, we always reach for the other.

18. Although I admire my parent’s marriage and they have set a very good example of marriage, my Aunt and Uncle come to mind because they have been a wonderful example of a loving marriage who put God first in their marriage and have drawn strength from their relationship with Christ.  My Uncle passed away almost fifteen years ago and had suffered many years with debilitating arthritis before he later developed bladder cancer.  My Aunt cared for him all those years without complaint, lovingly, and always put him first before herself.  It was evident they loved each other very much and they still kept their sense of humor throughout his illnesses.  During the tough times, she shared about her dependence on God and how she received strength to face the hard times from Him.  They were both a great example of love.

19. The marriage I admire most is that of my buddy Paul. I can see his unconditional love, their communication, and their faithfullness to the Lord.

20. Our friends Rachel and Rudy Hernandez. They have always loved God so much and love each other in a special way in return.  No matter what happens in their lives they are always smiling and trusting God’s plan. They have the same anniversary as us but have been married decades longer.

21. Wow, there are many.  All are successful because of their faith and commitment to God.  I think of George and Laura Bush, George and Barbara Bush, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Billy and Ruth Graham, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey!  But if I have to pick one, I would say Billy and Ruth Graham.  We all know how dedicated Billy Graham was as an evangelist leading so many people to Christ.  It takes God, good communications, and a strong commitment to keep a marriage like theirs strong for all those years.  Ruth supported her husband but also took care of the children.  She was a strong woman and together, with the Lord, they walked as one.

22. I admire those like Jim and Shirley Dobson.  There are also Steve and Kathy Gallagher and Jeff and Rose Colon from Pure Life Ministries.  In our local church there are Steve and Mary Lowenberg and Mit and Judy Williams.

23. There was a couple that is much older and they really had a great marriage.  The husband has gone on to be with the Lord now, but they really did everything together.  They served the Lord together and were very happy.  She’ll always miss him.

24. Hard question to answer. Like my wife, I was raised in a broken home. I never had the opportunity to see the model of a healthy marriage. My wife and I had to re-learn how to approach marriage and relationship through the training I have received. And, over the years I have come to realize that marriages that look wonderful on to the outside world may not be so satisfying and joyful. So while I can’t give you a marriage I admire most, I can give you a relationship I admire most and that is God and His love for us. It is amazing that we have the unconditional love of our creator. It is a love that we do not desire but it also is a love that we can learn from. The best thing that my wife and I have done in our 16-year marriage is let God in. We have found Him to be a great support and comforter to us. And His presence is what helps us work around our “rough” edges.

25. The marriage I admire the most is my boss’s marriage.  He and his wife had many years of conflict and divorce was imminent at times.  He had a tendency to try to bull-doze her and control outcomes.  She, on the hand, had very firm boundaries and wouldn’t budge.  My boss chose to focus on what God wanted him to do to be a man of integrity, even when his wife refused to be intimate with him for an extended period of time and was very difficult to live with.  My boss allowed God to transform his heart, even when it seemed his wife refused to change; and even if the marriage ultimately failed.  He also stopped asking his wife to trust him.  Instead, he focused on being trustworthy.  In taking the pressure off his wife, and allowing God to work on him, his wife chose to let the Lord work on her heart and she re-engaged in the marriage.  They are now enjoying an intimate and loving union and their story is an encouragement to many others with struggling marriages. 

26. I admire my sister’s marriage the most.  They demonstrate love, commitment, and sacrifice.  They show me that it’s okay to have arguments because deep down they love each other.

27. I most admire my parents’ marriage. They started out very young, getting married at 19 and 17 years old, with a baby on the way. In December, they will be married for 40 years. (How amazing!) They have been through many, many struggles and joys through the years. They have held on tight to each other and to God when times were tough, and they have celebrated their joys together too. They have helped each other to grow and yet accepted each other unconditionally. After all this time, they truly are still “in love,” and their love is evident to anyone looking at them. They are best friends – enjoying their time together and sharing daily life. What a blessing to grow up in a household where these were my role-models! My parents’ love for each other, for their children, for their grandchildren, and for Christ are an inspiration!

28. Marti and Kalet Lieberman.  They are an elderly couple who have been at this marriage thing for a long time.  They’ve been through it all and have embraced every situation to make their relationship better…or as they say, to demonstrate the strength of their relationship.  They remain playful, flirtatious and deeply committed to one another’s well-being and pleasure in life and we love being around them!

29. I admire my spiritual grandparent’s marriage. My godfather passed away several years ago, but I vividly remember the love that he had for his wife and I can still see how much she loves and misses him. Their marriage went the distance and lasted until death. I admire how they had different ways of communicating, but they both love the Lord with all of their hearts.

30. A couple at church that serve in the community and have a heart for the least of these.

31. The marriage I most admire are my friend’s Greg and Suzette marriage. They currently lead our weekly couple’s Bible study and they faithfully week in and week out open their home to our remarried couples group.  They exemplify a God-loving couple who serve consistently together at church during weekend services in guest services and children’s programs and are willing to lead and reach out to others who do not know the Lord.  When I grow up, I want to be just like them!

32. Our friends, Mac and Nicole. They are strong in their faith, they have persevered through many trials, and they seem to love each other very much.

33. At my Father’s passing in 2012, my parents had been married for fifty three years.  Their life together wasn’t always picturesque; however, they were both Godly people and always had the faith that God would see them through and He did.  My parents always took us to Church and led Godly, exemplary lives for me and my two siblings to follow.  For my entire life, I have never had to wonder if my parents loved each other or were happy being married to one another.  My mom has struggled since my Father stepped into Heaven but she relies on God’s promises that they will be together again.  I pray every day that my children will see in their parents the daily love and devotion I saw in mine every day of their lives.

34. I don’t particularly have one certain couple that I admire.  I look at couples all around me and listen to stories and hear them say “We been married for over 40+ years” and I think to myself, “WOW”…. you don’t find that much anymore and when you do you can see the love they have for one another and know that they at one point had struggles but persevered and held tight.  I love to hear the older generation tell their tales of life and know that it can be done.  I am a divorcee and so wish I could be one of those who could have said, “We been married for over 40+ years.”  I know God created marriage to be a unity with Him and without Him it is a downhill battle.

35. I admire my brother-in-law, Paul, and his wife, Jody’s, marriage.  They serve the Lord together, set a godly example for their two children, and love life together.  I think that they set a great example for my wife and me on how we can sacrifice to serve God and raise up godly children, while still laughing and enjoying life.

36. I admire my sister and brother-in-law’s marriage.  They have definitely had their ups and downs but they support each other constantly.  They also feel comfortable communicating with each other over things they disagree on or are bothered by.  I have always looked up to my sister, and I continue to look up to her and learn from her relationship with her husband.  They made me realize that marriage is work and it is not easy.  However, that doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to be married to each other, it just shows how much you love that person because you will work hard to stay in the relationship.

37. Sadly, I don’t know personally many marriages that fall in to this category—even within the church.   I want to change that with our marriage starting now, and my prayer is to leave a different legacy for our children and grandchildren.  One that shows a true biblical marriage—a role model marriage for them.  Not perfect by any means, but one that models God’s plan for marriage as best we can.  There is one couple in our Bible study that has a strong, godly marriage.  They’ve been married 50 some years, and they are open and vulnerable about their struggles along the way.  They’ve kept God as the center, and have devoted these “senior” years to helping other couples.  The wife, though strong willed and outspoken, maintains a true submissive attitude toward her husband, but does so without complaining or appearing to be a “doormat”.   She’s a regal, well spoken, elegant, intelligent and strong woman—but allows her husband to lead.  It’s beautiful.   He, true to biblical teaching—loves her so much, just as Christ loves the church and treats her with kindness and gentleness, and never in a domineering manner.  This is the marriage that I admire most.

38. My parents’ marriage is the one I admire most. As I remember my childhood, what sticks out is the love they showed each other every day. When Mom stayed at home, the first thing Dad would do when he came home from work was give Mom a hug, kiss and then spend 10-15 minutes alone together to reconnect before the evening ensued at being parents. Despite seven children presenting a multitude of challenges, they knew the most important relationship, the one on which all the others depended, was theirs as a couple. It was the best example for all of us to follow, and follow it we did. All of us have long standing, strong and loving marriages, directly contrasting the culture around us.

39. My parents’.  They were best friends and modeled love, communication, faith, and compassion.

40. Richard and Jennifer Rogers because God is the center of all they do.

41. I most admire my wife’s former marriage to her deceased husband, Randy.  They were married for around 30 years before he succumbed to cancer.  He was a godly man, and they raised two great children, who have since bourn us grandchildren.  My wife and her former husband together helped a lot of people to strengthen their relationship with Christ or come to Christ in the first place. I pray I can do as good a job as a husband and father as he did with my wife and his children, with my own two sons from my former marriage, while bringing all of us closer to Christ.

43.  It would probably we ours because we firmly believe we are the foundation of future generations. (We both came from dysfunctional families.)  To see the work He has done in our marriage is nothing short of a miracle.  It is a living testimony to our children and grandchildren of the goodness and faithfulness of our God and how He blesses those who earnestly seek Him!

44. My Grandparents. They stayed together until the end.

45. The marriage I admire most is my parents. Early on in their marriage my dad was unfaithful. Now that I’m married and an adult, I have no idea how she stayed with him. I don’t believe I could have. But, God’s grace is bigger than us, and He had a divine plan to Romans 8:28 their marriage! My mom forgave my dad, forgave the other women, and loved my dad. I was the last one out of six to become a Christian, so watching this unfold in front of me made me love and respect my mom and dad more. … with God’s love inside of them, they repented and made their marriage thrive! My mom passed away right before their 42nd anniversary, but I’m telling you what, she left a legacy for all of us kids, that spoke, “You can do all things through Christ”. My parents’ marriage was one of commitment, covenant, and promise. I believe the road work has been paved for generations to come.   There is so much more to write on this, but I know I’m limited, so I would like to end with, thank you God for unveiling your infinite love for us through my parents’ marriage! It has truly changed me from the inside out!

46. My aunt and uncle.  Their marriage was centered around their faith and family.  They did not have any easy life but had many friends and always seemed positive and happy.

47. My parents.  They have been married 57 years.  Last summer defined their marriage.  We own a cabin next to their cabin.  One morning I went down to their cabin in the morning. My parents were sitting by the table one with the Bible, the other with a daily devotion.  They were spending time together growing closer to God.  You can’t help but admire that!

48. Any elderly couple that is walking together, laughing and holding hands.

49. There are so few good examples of good marriages. The one that stands out as one to admire is my in-laws. This past year they celebrated their 50th anniversary. In the 28 years I’ve known them I have seen them take a huge risk to start a business, even when their marriage was rocky, at best. They were very successful and amassed a significant fortune, only to see most of that wiped out with the failing economy. Also in the midst of this time, they lost their youngest son to a very aggressive brain tumor. The stress of losing a child to a horrible illness nearly tore the family apart, but their commitment kept them together. I have seen both of them put their focus on Jesus, and while they are still far from perfect, they demonstrate what happens when you focus on what is truly important and not on your current circumstances.

50. I think the marriage I admire most is my parents’.  It is obviously the one I’ve seen the most up-close having spent the first 21 years of my life living with them and watching them day by day. Growing up I didn’t really think a lot about their marriage other than to be glad they were married and not divorced, but now that I’m an adult and have been married 11 years I have a much different perspective and appreciation for their marriage.

I’m the third of eight children and my mom homeschooled us while my dad worked from a home office as a salesman. I admire them because they approach their marriage and family so selflessly and sacrificially. I admire them because they jointly have embraced God’s calling on their lives to have a large family and raise us in a God-fearing way. Obviously, my up-close view of their marriage means I’m aware that it isn’t perfect, just like every marriage. But I greatly admire and respect them for the fact that they have always put such a strong priority on family time and helping our family to be close.

I think that process started with their understanding that the strongest bond two people can have is Christ, so they prayed for their children and taught us the Bible in hopes that we would all come to know the Lord as they do. Next I think they understood that if the parents have a strong bond then it sets the tone for the rest of the family, so they took getaways together and made it very clear that they are unreservedly, wholeheartedly committed to each other. Finally, they always emphasized togetherness and a team atmosphere for all of us kids.

The proof of their success is that by God’s grace all of their children are walking with Him, and even though we are such a large family (23 altogether now with 3 spouses and 10 grandchildren having been added so far) we are a very close group. So much so that if any part of the group is missing it seems like we are incomplete …

I realize I went a little into my admiration for them as parents, but even their parenting started with their marriage and building it on the rock of Christ and then continuing to seek to keep it strong so that they together can accomplish those things that the Lord is calling them to do. That is my prayer for my marriage—that as a couple we would push each other closer to the Lord and together accomplish great things for Him.

2. Many years ago (while we still had little ones at home) I not only arranged a vacation but also arranged (secretly) for her time off from work and someone to watch the kids. The day before we left I told her that she didn’t need to go to work the next few days and she should pack her bags and only let her know in general what to pack. It was really fun to get in the car the next day and drive off with her still not knowing where we were going. We had a wonderful time in Victoria, British Columbia.

Once she sent me flowers at work with a message to not go home after work but to go to room number 245 at a local hotel. WOW, that was fun.

We recently renewed our vows and I planned the second honeymoon. I e-mailed her clues about where we were going every day for the 30 days before we left. Close to the end of the 30 days and with the help of Google, she figured out we were going to Costa Rica.

Last winter I planned a trip for her birthday. We both love to cross-country ski but this year we had no snow. I only told her we’d be taking an extended weekend for her birthday. The day before we left I let her know to pack for skiing. Six hours of driving, and she didn’t know where we were going until we pulled in to a wonderful mountain bed and breakfast in British Columbia. We had a great time.

Last summer I arranged to have my brother’s cabin (which is in the middle of nowhere mountains in northeast Washington). I planned a weekend of absolutely nothing. I just packed food, and told her the day before we were taking off for the weekend. I also told her to bring some books if she wanted to. (She’s a big reader.) We got to the cabin Friday night, and I told her nothing was planned to do, no problem. I left early on Saturday morning and spent most of the day on a long bike ride. She eventually got up and read in absolute peace and quiet.

This summer I’m going to bike the STP (Seattle to Portland). She let me know we wouldn’t be staying with family. I reminded her I really want to go to an old friend’s church on Sunday. So she got online, found out there are multiple services and told me we can make the noon service. Well, okay, something is up, and I’m looking forward to it.

3. Our special getaway last year was a short-term mission trip to Russia, just the two of us. We had gone one year with a group, and Mike had gone one year without me (our daughter’s baby was due any time); but last year was very special with just the two of us. After our mission business was done we had the most beautiful sightseeing trip in St. Petersburg with the most wonderful Christian tour guide! We are planning another mission trip for next year and it will probably be the two us again.

4. We love the outdoors. Our end of July honeymoon began at a condo in Palm Springs, Calif., but the heat was so oppressive that we decided to spend the other week of our honeymoon tent-camping and traveling back to Michigan. We camped in the desert with some wild donkeys in Nevada; stopped in Moab, Utah, to do some off-roading as well as Ouray, Colo. We had SO much fun and many crazy adventures that are now requested stories in our new-marrieds class at church.

To freshen up our marriage and just plain have some fun, we love to go dune-running in the summer or drift-running in the winter!! It reminds us of what we both love and where we learned to love each other.

The other really fun aspect is that it is the real you in each adventure. Hairdos and makeup generally get in the way or get really “undone.” We enjoy just being real with each other. Granted, sometimes it is a half-hour or so into our adventure before the “junk” in our relationship is resolved so we can get back to enjoying each other … that happens often. But our adventure is so much sweeter after the “junk” mountain is scaled!!

5. I am writing to share about my husband’s and my anniversary tradition. It started on our honeymoon, which was a seven-day Caribbean cruise, and has continued through our now fifth anniversary. We have taken our parents, sibling, and kids. We start planning as soon as we get back from one and look forward to it all year. Our house is filled with pictures of each trip to remind us of our love for each other and our family.

I am in agreement that a special occasion should transpire for anniversary celebrations. It’s too big an accomplishment to go uncelebrated.

6. Yes, my wife and I have done many things together over our 34 years of marriage.

I have written a little book to help some of my friends, who are not romantics, romance their wives. It was a fun project and I have about 75 ideas that I shared with them from my personal experiences with my wife. It was originally written for one of my dearest friends that just doesn’t think that way at all. Included in that little publication is my story below.

Our couples Bible study group, who have been meeting together for 30 years, have a special event we do each Valentine’s Day or the weekend nearest to it. We alternate between the men and women planning the event every year.

One time, the guys decided on a one-day trip and had it all planned about two months in advance. We got our wives excused from work (those that worked), woke them up a 5 a.m. Of course, they all said, “Why do I need to get up now?” And, the husbands said, “Trust me!” That is a key phrase we all have acknowledged as a password that we have something special planned: Just “trust me” and come along.

We took them to the airport, flew to a San Francisco bay area airport, picked up a van and drove to Napa. Got on the Napa Valley wine train and enjoyed a special three-hour trip with wine, hors d’oeuvres, and then a wonderful lunch viewing the countryside of the Napa Valley.

Afterward, we drove down to Berkeley and went shopping in an outdoor mall for a few hours, then went to Spenger’s Fresh Fish Grotto for dinner, got back to the airport, flew down to Burbank and we got home about 10 p.m. It was a long and wonderfully special day with seven fun-loving couples.

This was probably our greatest “trust me” adventure as our ladies have continually talked about that special day for years.

7. My wife and I waited eleven years to have kids, and we were blessed with twin boys in 1991. Anniversaries came and went after the boys were born, but in 2005, I decided to surprise Theresa with a trip for our twenty-fifth anniversary.

I secretly planned a getaway to Savannah, Ga., at a Christian-owned bed and breakfast. I wanted to spend one night on the road before continuing on to Savannah, and wanted to impress her with a nice motel. After hours of Internet searching, I decided to book one night at the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island (just outside of Jacksonville, Fla.). I arranged for dinner for two in our room, a private fire on the grounds overlooking the ocean, and had flowers and a photo from our wedding day waiting for us when we returned to our room.

It turned out that it was a fantastic and romantic time together. The staff and accommodations were second to none, and the food was terrific. During our breakfast the next morning, my wife said that if we were to go home that morning that the trip would have been worth it. Theresa made me feel so good with this incredible affirmation for the effort that I had put in by planning this special celebration!

Since then, it has become our annual tradition (although expensive, I look at it as an investment in our relationship). We now go for two nights and are eagerly anticipating our next anniversary in January 2008, when we will celebrate 28 years together.

Now that we have done this together, I cannot imagine not having this special time together! I can truly say that our marriage is stronger today because of these weekend getaways.

8. It’s incredible how weekends together work. When the kids are young it is so hard to do; by the time the weekend rolls around you are so tired you don’t want to go anyplace, and you have to find someone to watch the kids while you are gone. That’s the hard part, making the extra effort to take the time away. Our short sightedness keeps us from seeing the long term affects. Once a couple can see the results they see the effort is more then worth it.

Also the concept of common shared experiences is so powerful, especially a personal experience just between two people. A very strong part of the bond between my wife and me is that as kids we both arrived in Alaska the same month in the same year, and both grew up in remote, although different, areas of Alaska. In 1999 we moved out of Alaska on our own, 5000 miles away to North Carolina. We drive for two weeks to an area of the country we had never been to before. That move is a strong-shared memory between the two of us.

Now that our kids are of college age we have focused our combined attention on a mission here in the US. My wife and I work in two different locations so we don’t see each other most of the day. I have often longed for the days when husband and wife worked a business together. I know that can often tear a marriage apart, but I believe that as long as they focus on God it will draw them together instead of tear them apart.

While supporting this mission we have spent alone time together in the car traveling between North Carolina and West Virginia, where the mission is located. And a couple of nights in a nice hotel room. We both have gifts to contribute to the mission and it has built strong shared memories that has strengthened the bonds that holds us together.

I believe you don’t go looking for someone else when you have strong positive memories that you share with someone.

I am quite frustrated with the attitude of the world, although not surprised. I have found that the strongest relationships are relationships where people do things together continually and consistently. But we move around so much that there is no time to build these kinds of relationships. It is rare nowadays for two people to grow up together in the same town and the same school. This culture we have in the US has become anti-relationship. People are too often forced to move which tears apart relationships to a point where people shy away from investing into relationships.

9. My husband and I plan “mystery trips” regularly. They are not necessarily overnight trips—but sometimes include simple dates to the park, golf course, or a special restaurant. Recently, I took my husband to Nashville to see his favorite hockey team. The mystery dates make even the most ordinary date seem extra special!

Also, my husband is a pastor and we make an effort to keep Friday nights as our “date night.” It is widely known that it’s our special time together and we do not plan activities during our date.

10.  My husband, Chris, and I don’t take many vacations together, but we do something that I think is romantic. We keep a notebook in the bedroom and write notes back and forth. Sometimes these notes are short and silly and other times they are long and romantic. I get a smile on my face every time I see that Chris has written a new message.

Here are seven more things men should know.  As you read through the list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. 

1. A man needs to know that the key to great sex is exclusivity.  Our modern world tricks a man into thinking that more sources of sexual stimulation will satisfy him.  But like a drug, they thrill but do not satisfy.  Sexual entertainment, images, and illicit sex erode rather than enhance sexual joy in a marriage.

They way to become a great lover is to practice with only one woman for life.   It is to be generous, exclusive, and serving—not greedy, distracted, and taking.  A great relationship and great sex are connected in marriage, and that only happens when a man’s sole target of sexual affections, imaginations, and enjoyment is his wife. 

2. A man needs to know that marriages typically have a one- or two-year “honeymoon era.”  This is a period of semi-blind euphoria that makes the relationship magnetic and easier. It’s as if our Creator gives that to us humans to get us jump-started in marriage.  Couples should know that when the euphoria wears off and they eventually settle into normality, the different feelings they experience do not indicate that they married the wrong person or are not “in love” anymore.

3. A man needs to know that living together and having sex before marriage uses up a good portion of the “honeymoon era” euphoria. It often causes the onset of reality to begin almost immediately after the wedding, depending on how long the couple had been living and sleeping together.  Research shows that divorce and issues of mistrust are more common for those who cohabit before marriage than for those who do not.  Cohabiting is not “good practice” for marriage. 

4. A man needs to know that commitment is a key to success in all of life, and especially in a relationship with a woman.  One way of defining commitment in marriage is never considering divorce. If you know that you won’t be leaving or divorcing, it forces you to face differences and problems and work through them.

In marriage it is the security of commitment that allows a woman to feel peace in the relationship.  The assurance of a husband’s commitment helps a woman entrust herself to him emotionally and sexually.

5. A man needs to know that marriage is not easy.  Marriage is not automatic, and it’s often difficult.  The euphoria of romantic infatuation in the first years of marriage fades, requiring the mature resolve to behave lovingly and invest relationally to build a deeper bond than infatuation.  Marriage will take intentional and continual effort. 

6. A man needs to know that the purpose of marriage is less to make you happy, than to make you holy.   Now it’s true that a good marriage to a good woman can make you happier than most anything else on earth.  But if your goal is to be happy, then you will be focused on yourself, and you will damage your character and your relationships.

If you aim to be holy—like Jesus, not like a monk—you will invite God to change you.  You will allow your marriage relationship to change you and crush your selfish will and defensive pride. You will experience true oneness in your marriage—you’ll be deepest friends, intimate allies, generous lovers, caring providers, complementary partners, spiritual enhancers. (Thanks to Gary Thomas for the idea) 

7. A man needs to know that God gives authority and responsibility to a husband to make the marriage thrive and last.  He is to steward and shepherd himself and his wife’s union.  He is to be proactive at assisting God in healing her past wounds, creating oneness in their bond, and assuring her (and their children) of his love for her.

Women are natural responders when men initiate in love, prayer, and humility.  Men must not be passive, arrogant, distracted, or controlling.  A man will not point the finger at his wife’s behavior or shortcomings, but will examine his history as a husband and ask God to change him.  His heart, his care, and his initiative is the key to his wife’s response and the health of the marriage.

A key to the problems guys face is that we don’t understand the North Star of relationships. It’s the gold standard of selfless love, the blueprint for building a family and blessing our children. What’s that North Star? Knowing Jesus Christ and His purpose for marriage, and trusting in His strength to make a lasting relationship possible.

Marriage needs to be re-explained. It needs to be re-branded as an awesome, noble, and challenging adventure. Our manhood, our happiness, and our children’s future depend on marriage—yours, mine, and everybody else’s.

In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about. As you read through the following list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. Let’s value marriage and relate well to our wives, whether we’re married yet, or preparing for that woman.

1. A man needs to know that the ultimate team is marriage.

It’s the union and oneness of man and woman in lifelong covenant. That’s the team that anchors a family. It’s a bonded relationship that mirrors God’s sacrificial, unconditional, lasting love for his children (those who by faith have accepted His sacrifice and adoption into his eternal family).

2.  A man needs to know the difference between being a consumer and an investor in life, in relationships, and in marriage.

Don’t let an advertising-saturated, consumer society make you act like a consumer in relationships. Decide to add value to a wife, not take value.

Just like great quarterbacks serve receivers, and great receivers serve quarterbacks, we need to be investors, not childish consumers, takers, or complainers. We are to model ourselves after Jesus, the ultimate relationship investor. He is the definition of a man: responsible, initiating, courageous, self-sacrificing, healing, peacemaking, justice-doing, others-centered rather than self-centered, loving others in ways that add value and nobility to them.

Before he is married, a great husband will be a relationship investor who will build friendship that adds value into the life of a young woman, her self-esteem, and her potential to serve God. He will channel his sexual desires and expression into devotion to God and commitment to one wife for life. He will marry and be sexually exclusive—only having eyes, imagination, and sexual intimacy with one woman.

We should be asking ourselves this question daily: “Would I want to marry me?”

3. A man needs to know that a marriage and family depend upon God as their maker.

God is the authority. He provides the blueprints for marriage and the power source of love, wisdom, and health. God can heal any marriage if the husband and wife will submit themselves to God and let Him change them.

4. A man needs to know that marriage is meant to mature him and develop Christ-like character in him.

It can help conform him to the image of Christ, reshaping his will and identity into union with, and deference toward, his wife. This is like the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who honor, defer to, and glorify each other.

The friendship of marriage helps spouses become better versions of themselves, closer to what God designed and redeemed them to be. They must face the truth about themselves—their strengths and their imperfections. They will face conflict and difficulty and must grow empathy and teamwork. Selfishness must melt away if they are to become healthy, strong, and mature together.

5. A man needs to know the meaning of love.

God defines love not by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself—your will, your freedom, your time, your emotions, your forgiveness, your resources. The model is Jesus, who demonstrated love for us by dying for us while we were yet sinners.

A husband does this by choosing his wife as a priority in his life over all other pursuits, possessions and distractions—regardless of whether she is kind, lovable, or respectful. Love brings out the best in her. A man initiates love, rather than waiting for or demanding respect or kind treatment. Love is not dependent upon feelings. Decisions and choices to love can regenerate the feelings of love.

6.  A man needs to know the Christ-like role of servant, husband, and lover.

He is to be an investor in his wife, and he sacrifices himself for her best. He defines his manhood as pursuing purity in Christ, chastity before marriage, and enthusiastic fidelity in marriage.

7. A man needs to understand sexuality as God’s good creation, distinct from its counterfeits.

He understands that sexuality makes sense in the context of union to God and the union of marriage. Outside that context it’s often reduced to moralism, rules, suppression, secrecy, illicit imagination, temptation, and shame. Or, commonly it’s reduced to a consumer experience—materialistic self-interest, physical gratification, entertainment, techniques. This causes shallow, stunted human bonding, untold stories of abuse, damage, abandonment, and fragmented families.