A question I frequently get about my work at FamilyLife is: What brought you into family ministry as an unmarried woman? This is an understandable question, since I’m not and have never been a wife or a mother, though I hope to be. 

The temptation, then, might be for me to believe that my crucial role in the family doesn’t begin until I find a husband and start “my own” family. And truthfully? That’s a temptation I’ve fallen into believing many times. 

I also have friends who sense the Lord calling them to long-term singleness, just as clearly as they sensed Him calling them to their careers, their church, or other ways they glorify God. What is their role in the family?

Before I answer these questions, I want to set something straight.

Married or unmarried, you have an irreplaceable role to play

In case you’re one to skim over subtitles, let me say it again: Your involvement in your family matters. Your singleness does not exclude you from the crucial role God has placed you in within your family.

I think sometimes we feel most comfortable putting unmarried people in their own category. Most churches have a family ministry, and some have a singles ministry. These contextualized ministries are meant to help people connect with others in their season of life and to get the most relevant resources and connections into their hands. This is good and necessary.

But it is equally good and necessary for us all to remember that singles need to actively participate in the family. It’s OK for a single person to enjoy their independence, but not to the point of isolation. Singles have a lot to give and a lot to learn from spending time with families, especially their own. Our marital status is just one way we can be part of a family—we’ve each had a role to play from the moment we were born. 

If you’re a Christian, you gained a new role in the family the day you got saved. If you aren’t a Christian, I hope this article inspires you to grow closer to your family and that you will also consider what it would mean to belong to God’s family.

Singles and their biological or adopted families

What comes to mind when you think about your role in the family? Maybe you think about being a son or daughter, sister or brother, grandson or granddaughter, niece or nephew, aunt or uncle, etc. 

But what does it look like to actually live out these roles? 

It looks like making an active investment in your family member’s life. What are some ways that person might feel cared for? How might God want to use you (your personality, abilities, etc.) in your family member’s life? How can you learn from one another?

You might be wondering, will my presence really make that much of a difference? Think back to a time when a family member’s kind gesture or words of wisdom really impacted you. Do you believe you can have that same impact on others?

If being part of your family has been a difficult or painful experience, perhaps God wants to use you to start a new legacy—to be that safe person, that example of Jesus to others. God may want to use your specific ways of relating and encouraging to lead a family member to Him.

A special note: I want to recognize that not every family is safe. If you come from a physically and/or emotionally abusive household, God grieves with you. Your safety is of utmost importance, and we encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence hotline (800-799-7233) if you are in a dangerous situation.

Singles and their spiritual family

Spiritual family is not a type of pseudo-family or a term we should only bring out when talking about singleness. No, according to the Lord Himself, our spiritual family is the deepest form of family we have.

We see Jesus live out this reality when His mother and brothers want to speak with Him while He’s teaching. Rather than going to them, Jesus gestures to the crowd He’s speaking to and says, “Here are my mother and my brothers” (Matthew 12:46-50). 

I used to find this story very confusing. Was Jesus being rude to His own family? But in verse 50, Jesus says, “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” You see, Jesus is honoring God’s purpose for Him in that present moment: ministering to His spiritual family. 

I believe God has divine responsibilities for unmarried people to live out in both their biological and their spiritual families. You have a unique contribution to make by using your skills and passions to serve your church and community. Are we treating our place in God’s spiritual family as eternally significant?

The Bible is essentially the story of God inviting us into His family.  In the Old Testament, you were a child of God if you were born into a tribe of Israel. But in the New Testament, Christ makes it possible for anyone to become a child of God by accepting His death and resurrection on our behalf. Believers are no longer born as children of God but are adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:5; Romans 8:15). Because of Christ, Jews and Gentiles alike can now “cry out, Abba, Father!”

Starting in Acts, Scripture focuses more on the church and how Christians are to love and relate to one another. In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, believers are instructed to treat other church members as family.

Okay, so how do I invest in my family?

I know this might be tough to hear, but sometimes you need to be the one to make the first move, whether it’s making that phone call or offering support and a listening ear to an exhausted parent. Maybe it’s organizing a meal train for a couple who just had a baby or is dealing with an injury or illness. Or maybe it’s showing up to watch your niece or nephew perform in the school play.

It’s a matter of giving but also receiving. According to Proverbs 27:17 (NLT), “As iron sharpens iron; so a friend sharpens a friend.” God wants to use these relationships to teach both of you.

I’m grateful to have friends in different walks of life, whether they’re unmarried or married, a parent, and/or an empty nester. So, if you admire someone in your life for their role in the family, let them know. Maybe it’s a text or quick comment, or maybe you could ask them to grab coffee with you.

Whether you’re reaching out or being invited in, your participation in your family and the family of God is so needed. You have a job to do, in your biological family and in your community. You have people to serve and be served by, people to grow with and experience life with. 

What singles and the rest of the church believe about their place in the family of God is of great importance.  

The difference your involvement can make

Your involvement in the family is so significant because our relationships were designed to demonstrate the love of Christ to the world. Your family relationships can encourage people who don’t yet know God. They might even be the avenue through which you came (or may come) to know the Lord. They can also be the supportive anchor you need as you step out in faith to love others.

The influence an unmarried person can have on the families in his or her community is demonstrated clearly in how FamilyLife first got started. Our ministry began because of the burden God placed on a single woman’s heart. 

That single woman is Ney Bailey. She saw families serving in ministry but not prioritizing their relationships with each other. Her strong conviction that something needed to change, along with the efforts of staff like Dave and Sande Sunde, Don Meredith, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey sparked the beginnings of the Weekend to Remember®, which grew to become FamilyLife. 

Thank goodness Ney Bailey saw God had a role for her to play to influence the families in her corner and all around the world. God used her to not only transform families but to inspire single people like me to serve in family ministry.

As a single person, you have a unique role to play in your family. So, how can you further invest in the family God has placed you in?

Copyright © 2023 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Alex McMurray works as a Service Coordinator at UPMC Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She recently relocated from Orlando, where she served with FamilyLife as a content writer from 2020-2023. She graduated from Cedarville University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors. You can read more of her content at alexmcmurraywrites.com or follow her on Instagram @alex_mcmurray_.

Singleness is often overlooked in Christian culture. Think about it: When was the last time you heard a sermon in church on singleness? And when was the last time you heard one on marriage? Right… 

But Jesus and Paul were both single for a purpose. So what would it mean for the church to view singleness the way God does? 

Singleness is a good and beautiful way to follow Jesus

Every one of you reading this has been single at some point in your life. You didn’t come out of the womb engaged. 

And if you’re married, you might even be single again at some point in the future. As tough as it is to think about, the death of a spouse can be a tragic reality that thrusts us into singleness once again. Having a good theology of singleness, even in the midst of marriage, will not only benefit others, but you as well. 

Marriage is never guaranteed to us, nor is it essential in glorifying God. For many Christians, it’s a knee-jerk reaction to say “When you get married…” as opposed to “If you get married…” With language like this, we’re communicating to everyone around us that marriage is expected—or even the best option. 

Often, we believe marriage is the better way. That somehow, being single makes you a second-class citizen. We think it’s lonely—as if we can’t be truly known without a significant other. That it’s empty—as if we can’t fulfill our purpose in life without a partner. That it limits our impact—as if we haven’t “arrived” or can’t be a leader without a spouse. Or, hardest of all, that there’s something wrong with us for being single. 

From childhood, we might get the idea that singleness isn’t just option B, it’s option Z! We do everything in our power to avoid being single. Others do everything in their power to help us not be single. 

And when we view singleness as a terrible way to live, it can launch us into an unhealthy marriage that wasn’t meant for us, all for the sake of fleeing singleness. 

It can also lead us to give members of the LGBT+ community the narrative that they have to marry someone they’re not attracted to. Because if they choose to be celibate for the sake of the kingdom, they’re choosing an unfulfilled and second-class life.

I’m here to tell you: Particularly in light of the life of Jesus, single people being “second-class citizens” is a lie. 

What does the Bible teach about singleness?

After Jesus’ teachings on divorce in Matthew 19, the disciples conclude that it’s better not to marry. Jesus responds with:  “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” 

Jesus is explaining to His disciples the importance of staying married but understands that not everyone will get married. People can honor God through marriage, and people can honor God through singleness. I’m sad I feel the need to say it, but let me make this abundantly clear: Singleness isn’t a sin. Similar to marriage, it requires making sacrifices for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.  

Jesus and Paul both understood the value and gift of singleness. In fact, Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7:38, said, “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” And earlier in that same chapter… “Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.” (verse 28). 

Paul had the boldness to say that being single, like him, can be the better way to live. This is wildly countercultural to the way we often view (and talk about) singleness. 

Single people are concerned about the Lord—pleasing God—so that they may be holy in body and spirit (1 Corinthians 7:32). While married people are concerned about the world—pleasing their spouse—and, Paul says, their interests are divided (1 Corinthians 7:33). Paul’s aim isn’t to restrain us from getting married, but to help us have “undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35).

Celebrating a single life

Paul suggests singleness can actually lead to more freedom for a greater impact. Singleness isn’t a second option, it’s an equally valid way to live. 

Even God’s reminder in Genesis that it’s not good for us to be alone (Genesis 2:18) can compel us into deep, authentic community with others. 

We can stop making singleness the “wilderness” you or someone else has been stuck in for 40 years. Like Paul, could it be better to encourage people toward celebrating singleness and trust that God’s plan for them is beautiful, breathtaking, and perfectly intentional? 

Singleness is a good and wonderful way to follow Jesus. 

Jesus was single for a purpose

I like to imagine what it would be like if people back then talked to Jesus the way we talk to singles now. Jesus, at a wedding, having just turned water into wine, walks up to His parents’ table where someone looks at Him and says: “I can’t believe you’re still single. Aren’t you in your 30s?” 

I’ve never met anyone who thinks Jesus’ ministry here on earth would have been better if He had been married. He was not excluded from God’s will or from spiritual maturity because of His marital status.

Sam Allberry, in his book 7 Myths about Singleness, said: 

Jesus is the example of the perfect man. He is the humanity all of us are called to be but which none of us are. He is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So Jesus not marrying is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things—marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience—is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman.

The second we start to view singleness as sinful or shameful or less than, we view Jesus in the same way. And I don’t think any of us believe Jesus lived an unfulfilled or second-class life. 

Embracing God’s view of singleness 

There’s an eternity-sized hole in our hearts because of our separation from God. As Jesus’ and Paul’s lives show, there’s nothing unnatural about being single. And, as any married person will tell you, there’s nothing perfect about being married. We weren’t created to find our soulmates. Our souls were created to be with God. 

In Matthew 22:30, Jesus says, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage.” In eternity, it’s not your marital status that will count but what you did with the gift of singleness (or marriage) God gave you. 

What matters most, though, is who hung in our place on the cross. The One who rose again, proving to us all that we are chosen, seen, and loved. 

In our culture, we often view marriage as God’s favor. The ultimate end goal. A superior status. May it not be so with us. May we all view marriage and singleness on equal footing. Celebrating the joys of both. Grieving the hardships of both. Noticing and acknowledging the blessings of both. 

And, in the end, may we not put our identity in these blessings, but in the One who gives them to us. Knowing that every good gift is from the Father (James 1:17). And singleness?

What a good gift it is indeed. 

Copyright © 2023 by Logan Fry. All rights reserved.

Logan Fry is a lighting designer for the Campus ministry’s conference team at Cru headquarters in Orlando, Florida. She graduated from Virginia Tech with a major in Hospitality and Tourism and a minor in Theatre. Logan takes pride in helping to provide an environment where students and staff can meet with Jesus without distraction. She is also on staff at her church as the coordinator of the Local Outreach ministry. She is passionate about engaging in the conversation on singleness and helping Christian culture view it as something to be celebrated. Other passions include reading, ice cream, and Disney World (and her ideal day would have all three of those).